New Year
It seems as if my life is a constant whirlwind of stressful situations happening in clusters. Literally everything happens in such a small time frame, and it is beyond stressful. Here are the cliff notes of my last couple of weeks:
I got dumped on Christmas Day. That was the low of my year, probably my life. What could warrant such a dramatic moment?
I was being awful to Jackson. I pushed him away and became cold, distant, and indifferent towards life.
Right before Christmas, I bought a ring to propose to Jackson on New Years. I had also gotten in tough with an old friend. We began discussing the proposal, which meant that I felt the need to hide it from Jack, so as to not ruin the surprise. When you add sneaky to the fact that I was pushing him away and treating him like shit in general, it’s easily understandable that he immediately thought the worst. He assumed I was cheating. Even though I had never given him a reason to doubt me prior to this incident, what really took the cake was when he asked to go through my phone and I declined his request. I had never denied him my phone, just as he never denied me his. He was hurt, and therefore justified in his actions. I don’t blame him.
I had to send him proof of everything, understandably. Now he knows that I didn’t cheat, but I have to take this opportunity to prove that I do value him and love him like I say I do.
Thankfully, things are okay between jack and I. He started his new job, which he loves, so it’s nice to see him happy and under a lot less stress/pressure. I have been renting a room and have been staying on my own since the initial fight. We both believe that this whole fight has brought us closer. We have no secrets, and he works so hard to be supportive and understanding. I hope that he sees how hard I’m trying, too. I realized I wasn’t considerate of his emotions or his well being. I was extremely selfish and self absorbed. My own problems became the center of my frustrations, and being the closest person in my life, he took all the heat, always. I blamed him for things that had nothing to do with him.
Now that he and I are good and on the same page, I’m worried about his relationship with his friends.
His friends ARE his family. He will do absolutely anything for his friends, and it’s one of the main reasons I love him so much. He has an incredible heart.
His friends care about him immensely. They know he needs them as much as they need him, and that he will always have their backs. He is so fortunate to have so many people in his life who cherish him.
The problem is that his friends haven’t been supportive of our “rekindled” relationship. They’re afraid for him and don’t want him to get hurt again, and they are completely justified in their feelings towards me. I don’t blame them. I’m glad that they are being cautious. He needs that. Unfortunately, when he did tell his friends, not only were they less than supportive, but they told him they felt like he chose me over them. That hit him hard. It hurt him so much. And I saw it on his face. That was pretty much the worst thing anyone could have said to them. His friends are his world.
I immediately offered him an out. How are you supposed to move through a chapter of your life without any support? I didn’t and don’t expect it. If he ends up taking the out, I understand. But I hate this for him. My actions put our relationship in this place, and while I don’t expect his friends to start inviting me to play magic or on trips, or whatever, I hate that he has been getting grief about it. He doesn’t have anyone he can talk to about our relationship to outside of our relationship. I know how hard and lonely that is, and I don’t want that for him. He deserves more than all the happiness in the world. One day at a time. All I can do is supper him and let him know that it’s okay. It’s okay for him to not spend all of his free time with me. It’s okay that he does stuff with his friends on his own. It’s okay that he’s going to go on trips with them, without me. I get it, and I support him because his friends love him. He needs them. A hell of a lot more than he needs me.
The next thing is:
I am by no means poly. I had to face the fact that I was only interested in polyamory because of my abandonment issues. I never want to know what it means to be alone again. Poly seemed like the answer in the middle of my failing marriage where I always felt alone. When my marriage ended, I adopted the belief that poly is what I’ve needed. Now I realize that if I was to pursue polyamory, it would be detrimental to every aspect of my life and my well being.
So, here’s to a new year. Hopefully, it will be filled with truth, hope, repair, discovery, fulfillment, growth, and successes, no matter how small.
