Gin And Style

I’m really hurt actually that sheen came to vic this weekend and isn’t seeing me at all, and not only that but she she even tell me that she was coming until literally Thursday afternoon. Like what the fuck. And apparently all of her students are her primary source of advice and know everything about md and are the people she consults instead of just fucking telling me which J hate. And then didn’t even think she needed to apologize!!!! What made me even more mad is that she just realize we will probably see each orjer most days at work (idk HOW she didn’t consider that a single time before now, like what the hell did she think was going to happen if k for the job) but she was genuinely so shock and surprised that we might see each other most days and her reaction to that was to throw up. The surprise was genuine and that’s why I think the throwing up is as well. And I basically had to beg for an apology for that, she was like ‘oh my jokes just don’t land’ like no thay clearly wasn’t a joke, that was obviously your real feelings. And she gave me a half assed ‘oh I’m sorry if’ apology. Like just say that what you said was hurtful and acknowledge if and apologize and move on.

Why does it feel like she’s about to break up with me again. Like I don’t know why she’s seemingly mad at me and why she’s ignoring me so much. I’m sure it’s just end of semester / Ramadan exhaustion etc but she just seems so unwilling to interact with me and I don’t know why. I feel like we’ve regressed to august 2018 where she’s mad at me all the time. I have tried so hard to leave her alone and I don’t ask her many questions but I have a really hard time asking none. And I guess none is now the only acceptable answer somehow. I’m never allowed to ask my best friend how she’s doing or how her ski day was. And she’ll never tell me!!&! We’ve barely spoken since before she left for Japan and she somehow doesn’t miss me at all. At least that’s how it feels. Normally she would have at least said hi or called at SOME fucking point but we literally haven’t spoken on the phone in three weeks which is the longest we haven’t talked on the phone since this friendship restarted. And she doesn’t interact with my Instagram posts or any texts. It’s all just passive aggressive thumbs up. I’m sure I’m reading too far into this but I just wish she would tell me what’s going on. And I feel like she might be trying ti distance her self from me to ease the blow of the breakup ajd to not have to breakup with me before my defence cause thay would be a dick move but she doesn’t want to be too emotionally invested in my defence. I want so badly to be overthinking this but I really can’t tell. Cause obviously she phones cat. I’m sure she’ll say something like you should have called but every time I try to start a conversation it goes ignored. So what the hell ak I supposed to thjnk???

Tbh it kind of bothers me how little empathy sheen has for this stuff with my mom. Like I get it you’re solution oriented but 20 minutes is not enough for me. And now you’re making me feel like shit for the fact that I’m still talking about it because I should just not care and be like ‘fuck this’ and move on. It’s all cause she’s dating a bunch of guys and she’s happy and doesn’t have time for me and my non issues.

I really don’t know why on earth I feel so god damn threatened by cat??? Like??? Part of me knows that I’ve know sheen for a lot longer and that she likes being my friend and likes talking to me and likes me and I know she says me and cat aren’t competing with each other. But another part of me looks at her and cat and sees her and lex. I see how they’ve known each other for like 6 months and sheen is obsessed and calls her the love of her life and tjr apple of her eye and I see how she does NOT fucking do that to me. She’s the clear favorite and I can’t compete!! I’m at best going to be forcing a relationship thay she’s never fully invested in. Like I know our trouble will always be our past and we’re in a different place now and she actually wants to be friends etc but a huge part of me can’t get over tjr fact that we weren’t ever friends and I feel like that’s happening again. That will always be my biggest insecurity in this relationship, the constant worry that I will either get cut out or that I am a low tier acquaintance. Her and cat (see: her and lex) remind me of what her and I aren’t. It’s so obvious. How can I possibly compete with this girl who is apparently sheens twin flame. You can’t compete with that. Full stop. And the whole other issue of their relationship being WILDLY inappropriate. Like how the hell do neither of them feel weird about it. How on earth are they both cool with being the loves of each other’s lives. Like???? There is a MASSIVE power imbalance there and also this girl is about to work for sheen for the summer??? Like what the fuck. I know she said it was just like how her and lex were pals but it absolutely isn’t. I hate that I’m so insecure about this. And if I voice my concerns she’ll say a) cat isn’t your competition or b) why do you hate my twin flame, why do you hate me. It’s a lose lose. I literally have no way of this ending well. She’s not going to develop a professional relationship with this girl, she’s never going to dial it back. I am about to be replaced by a fucking undergrad and it makes me so upset.