Lime Wizard The Lizard Gizzard

feferi and dave with a benz

I have been diagnosed with autism at 17. And it's called PDDNOS. Ever since I found out I was, I wasn't sure what I had been thinking of, it also made me start a completely new journey and I had to pick my life up again as someone new with those new situations and feelings. I am turning 28 this year.

I have been non verbal my entire life and I do not talk. When someone talks to me, I usually text on phone or write on my notepad because I am scared to use my voice.

I do not have any friends in real life because I find it extremely difficult to make friendships and I am afraid that I am not good enough for them. I wish it was really easy to make friends but the way I feel and am, it makes people avoid me and they would leave me behind with nothing rewarding and it makes my mind race with overly negative thoughts.

I get frozen, shaky when someone talks to me and my mind has been racing with so many thoughts on how I should talk to someone without screwing it up but I really can't.

My mum thinks that all people with autism are the same but they are really not. And it frequently scares me how people think about autism and the way it works.

I struggle a lot as someone who has dealt with ableism and discrimination in the past few years because the way I am and how I am these days.

I wish the society could at least offer empathy and understanding to the community of autistic people in the world. We are being often misrepresented in the real world and we are often being told to shut up and behave like a normal person but we can't. We really can't. Our brains are wired differently and there are various types of autism in the spectrum.

I often feel anxious in many circumstances and situations because I have no other ways how to deal with the specific situation, sometimes I feel like I am a failure, then it makes me feel really bad, run away, and hide somewhere else because of how people judge me for the way I handle with such situations in real life.

I rarely go outside because I am sensitive to crowded places, I either do not enjoy noise and I would rather live in silence or with music in my ears while playing on my phone.

My senses depends on how sensitive it becomes and it really gets overwhelming for me. I always have to sit somewhere else in the dark because how sensitive I am towards daylight yet it feels really harsh and bright to my eyes and my mind. It's almost like I cannot focus on my tasks while getting distracted and it makes me really feel overwhelmed.

People just don't understand well how autism works in our brains. Like when someone touches me, then my brain instantly picks it up and it makes me freak out instantly and panic because it felt like a very instantly response I could not comprehend.