Note: I'm going to call Jax He/him. I think it's more respectful to wait until someone comes out to change their pronouns. That's what I'd do in real life, so I'll do the same for Jax's character.
Affection can be terrifying. When Jax physically pushed away affection that was all I could think about.
There were parts of my life where I literally didn't know how to accept affection. I just, couldn't hand it. It was like a fire alarm going off. Jax's response to genuine affection feels similar to me. the more people encouraged him to open up, the worse he got, to more scared he seemed to be and the harder he worked to cover it up.
We never see Jax hold his breath. You can't die holding your breath in the circus, but you feel like you're dying.
Learning how to tolerate that feeling is actually a part of PTSD recovery. I'd argue, it's the ONLY part of PTSD recovery.
I once heard PTSD described as a "fear of a memory" and I think that's right. So recovery is a very steady, careful, and controlled exposure to those memories. Something that Jax doesn't have the skills to do.
Pomni, however, DOES learn how to hold her breath. She does build a tolerance to that feeling of dying until it has less control over her choices.
At the end of the final episode, I was starting to feel sour. I didn't like having his PTSD being insurmountable or having their trans-ness be tragic. Then it occurred to me, weather or not they recover isn't for me.
The ending demands we be uncomfortable with not knowing, and so much of recovery demands that of us. We can't know if Jax is functionally dead, or will come back. Just like we can't know if old bullies and old mistakes will stay that way forever.
We can't know, just like how he can't know if he killed his mom or what would have happened if he knocked on Ribbit's door.
weather or not Jax gets better, is up to him, not to Pomni. She can't fix him. And it's ultimately up to Jax if they want to return to the world. No one can do that for him. Even if he has all the right tools and the right help, nothing will happen unless he's willing to be exposed to what frightens him in a controlled way.
It's terrifying, so he avoids it. But the thing about PTSD avoidance (or any kind of anxiety avoidance), is it makes it worse. He's spiraled to the point doesn't even seeing himself as a human being.
I think forgiveness is overrated. And that Acceptance is a lot more powerful. What acceptance is, is not trying to change something. That it can be there, it can be what it is, and that it doesn't need to be changed, or fixed, or explained.
So much about the ending I think, is about acceptance, and the lack of it. Pomni is able to accept him, and he's currently unable to accept parts of himself. Asking if Jax can be redeemed, I think is the wrong question entirely.
The last Act left me feeling Raw. Some of what I saw and experienced is so close to home. Particularly the desperately confusing Hurricane that makes up emotional abuse. With bursts of intensity and eyes in the storm.
I've often asked myself if I can ever make up for the things I can not longer fix, apologize or explain. And the spiraling sink water of what makes me a good or bad person. But I can't even know these things about myself for certain.
Can I be redeemed for the times in my life I was far too much like Jax? I don't know, and I'm in my own process of getting comfortable with not knowing, and sometimes, feeling like I'm dying.
