Dark Vs. Light

Like fire burning, bringing pain

Flowing through my blood it travels

All for which I care unravels

I let the same one bite me twice

She comes across so sweet and nice

I think that truly she believes

She is without sin,

although she deceives

She swears what I see and hear

Whether it’s questionable or

crystal clear

Calls me a dumbass straight-faced

states it isn’t there,

When I know damn well it is;

she just doesn’t care.

Now once again she has proven unfaithful;

I did my best to be enough,

although graceful

I was not at every turn

She turns her back and lets me burn

Not even enough love left in her

to watch me

Burning because of her and

nor would she

Even spit on me to put

Out the flame-

‘Cause I’m just some shit on her foot, pawn in her game

You used me once again

‘cause I was convenient

when I said I got you, there girl

I never meant

That there’d be nothing I’d need you to do

But disregard, disrespect’s how

you choose

To repAy all of the kindness and love

All of the pieces of me I let

die for us

But if I say hey wait a minute,

this sucks

You are already gone, you

just don’t give a fuck

You are the type of a person I see

Full of an emptiness I cannot re-

plenish with love

cuz my love never fazes you

Even the epic things fail to amaze you;

Why in the fuck am I not

good enough for you?

I do so many things

solid and right

But only my shortcomings

ever see light;

Baby I watched your love

turn into hate

Because of decisions that

you choose to make.

It hurt so bad and it’s

insult-to-injury

The way you twist it

to blame it on me;

Girl I tried so damn hard and

you’ve seen it

And you have to know my ‘I love you’-

i mean it;

But you’ve decimated so much with your lies

It should not come as a fucking surprise

This time when you come back

demure and repentant

Where was that sorry when

I fuckin needed it?!

I won’t waste more of my life on your poison

I changed it all for you,

you were the reason.

There’s a word for what you do

that word’s treason.

Someone like you who

leaves good people bleedin’

Without a thought about

what’s gonna happen

The rest of those people’s lives

cuz u crapped on them

Trust is elusive, peace, happiness,

anything

Becomes out of reach for the people

you do these things

To, and I’m one of them

You ain’t the victim here

Call me the monster, no woman-

Envelope everything in sight

The hole in me is most of me now

Gotta save what’s left somehow

The light, so far away it seems

And hope is such a fickle thing

Slipping downward, not much left

Swift is is the fall,

nothing slows my descent.

I live for warmer, greener seasons

Through the grey

they are my reason

This year the color never came.

And now i feel

fall’s chill coming again;

To open up invites such treasons

Defenses fallen, all has been poisoned

I’ve only my damn self to blame

For the egregious sin- simply believin’

That a heart could be like mine

Loyal and fair, loving in kind

It always ends with someone leavin’

But having been open it’s different this time

I hadn’t let someone in since i was a teen

Naively i let her in, how i believed!

Once, a few years back i’d pushed her away

To good to be true, my gut had to say

I’d heeded it’s warning but felt something missing

I felt those next few years were simply existing

Then when she came back last year with her stories

Hook line and sinker i laid down my armor

Opened the gates wide despite my gut’s warning

Simply because of the way i had missed her

Wide open nothing to stand in her way

Nothing to stop her laying me to waste

Innocence lost again

i’ve learned hard lessons

What’s left of me now is just scar, scab or fester

It’s 2021

No one is innocent

Don’t ignore gut feelings

I wish i’d listened…

#uncharacteristicallynegative

#wrongpolarity

The song of frogs and crickets isn’t

Music

Here alone, i feel so empty

As though my soul has finally freed

Itself from this place of misery

When i know i tried my hardest

Gave all my best to the wrong person

Where i handed so much pardon

I’ll be punished to the fullest

And she will skip away unburdened

I’ll be left fixing what was broken

Alone as always, as all is taken

Away

I was so mistaken

The gates in my walls were wide open

And now all i held dear is smoking

From the ruins of me i’m looking

For a reason, for a sign

To save what’s left of what i am

Besides my stubborn will to rise

As i’ve done time after time;

But this one’s different…

Resuscitate my give-a-damn

Don’t give her the satisfaction

Of seeing a good man destroyed by her lies

I’ll rise from these smoldering ruins and survive

More than survival or looking alive

I will be glorious

I’m gonna THRIVE

No.

Fucking.

Surrender.

Ever.

I am stronger than what i have lost.

I am more than what was taken from me.

The sun will rise and the river will flow.

And i will be there to see it and grow.

Magnified by the lens

Of a loss, of a wound

Of a pain without end

I don’t choose what’s easy

Cuz simple don’t please me

I dance to a tune

So destructive, unceasing

For so long i held

It all in never felt

The things that were breaking

All the bolts, nuts and welds

That held me together

And helped me to weather

The storms that were raping

Me hellbent for leather

I pushed on believing

I wasn’t deceiving me;

What i am always saving

Me, now, darkness creeping

im, wait where the hell is it

It’s always been right here

There’s always been light here

See myself degrading

Where once i would fight here

There’s now only darkness

The light has succumbed to this

I sit here still waiting

I was so impervious

The dark reaches in

And here, faced with my own sin

There’s no escaping

No shedding my skin

It’s time for facing

The fact i might not win

I keep on hearing again and again

So many feelings, my thoughts in a tailspin

My heart drops, no racing

Pulse; is this the end?

Or is the the part where a new me begins?

Fuck this; who am i?

Yes! UNFUCKINBREAKABLE

It’s time to RISE; be a beacon again

And all at once without pills, medications

I choose not to succumb; fuck no;

I ain’t breakin’!

All of the hurt, loss and pain that i’ve

Taken

Will not destroy this man;

Nope; it is MAKIN’ me

Stronger than darkness

A light in the storm

A lighthouse, embattled and scarred,

Frayed and torn

Unbroken again, reassuming my true form

-ME, and i GOT THIS

Y’all if you’re hurting and there’s no escaping that pain that permeates you, even redefines you to your core. If you can’t even go to work or to the store because you’re afraid you might fall apart, hurt someone, or hurt yourself, remember this…YOU ARE FUCKIN BADASS. Reach deep enough inside and you’re gonna find the gift, yes i said the GIFT- that all of the bullshit, hurt, pain, unfairness, all those hurtful shots to the mouth, to the heart of you, that you never had coming, but for some bullshit reason you received anyway and have ENDURED your whole fucking life; all of the fucking egregious and UNDESERVED fucking straight-up INJUSTICES you’ve fucking SURVIVED to this point- reach into yourself and believe and i promise you there is a GIFT of unbreakable, immutable and glorious STRENGTH in you. A fucking tower of strength and power to RISE THE FUCK BACK UP and NOT LET THE BULLSHIT AND HURT WIN.

NO FUCKING SURRENDER. Idgaf HOW DARK IT GETS. The BADASS is the bad motherfucker that crawls up out of those ashes, dusts him or herself the fuck off, spits the dirt and crap out of his or her mouth and PROUDLY PROCLAIMS to both this fuckin stupid awful and unfair world and to his or herself, “HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN YOU AIN’T KEPT ME DOWN YET; BRING IT!”

#nofuckingsurrender

#you’refuckinworthit

#don’tletthebullshitwin

#warrior

#unbreakable

#BEACON

#messageifyouneedafriend

#depressed

#depression

#fuckdepression

#suicide

#fucksuicide

#riseup

#rise

and

our eyes met

and everything stopped