things Go Here

for context, let's expand a bit on what my writing typically entails.

i write as a hobby, for my own characters, and i've written them in many scenarios, in many genres, and have over 11gb of content for them that is only in written word. i have more content for them that's drawn (by me), commissioned, etc. but it does not nearly amount to even half of what i've actually written for them.

now, it's worth mentioning, at this point, that:

im not done this journey

my characters are not nearly the same that they were merely months ago, much less a year ago.

generally, my writing focuses on two of my characters (although I have many!). this is usually marion (trans male, he/him, which i will explain in a later post bc i have pretty specific reasons for this. not that trans people need to be justified.) and luca (cis male, he/him)

why them?

i love them. i love their relationship. i want that, too! but, also, i feel like their struggles reflect my own in some ways. they are me...in a way, at least.

this is my outlet to explore things that i cannot access myself. relationships (friendship, romance, etc), scenarios (you ever wanted to be, like, a fairy? or...have magic powers? yeah. me too.) but i feel that in recent scenarios i also am more closely examining the interpersonal relationships between my characters, and their specific characteristics.

they're like this, but why? what made them that way?

why do these people love each other? why do these people hate each other? will that change?

why does this happen? does that have a point to it? is this gratuitous?

what's my end goal?

i think before, i wrote rather aimlessly. if i had goals, they were not very broad. i wanted cute dialogue, cute scenarios, maybe some drama...(although, i have written some extremely dark, depressing content, admittedly.)

right now, though, i'm more thoughtful about what i'm putting down, and why it's necessary. what it's contributing.

sometimes "oh, that's cute" is good enough. but it's usually a little deeper than that...

i think more in general.

"why does that person do that?"

"why do i hate that?"

"why do i like that?"

"is there a point to xyz?"

"what do i need to do right now?"

"what needs to change?"

etc.

my writing feels a lot more fulfilling, lately. i do not have to justify all my thoughts or actions, but i feel like i'm able to understand both my own writing and myself better, and feel more confident in how things end up, when things are able to come full circle...sometimes things still end up running away from me. but i don't feel the same "okay, i dunno how to deal with this anymore, i'm giving up now!" and now it's "well, we'll come back to that." which is...pretty big!

currently i'm working on...a couple of things.

the biggest one is a story about...politics, sort of?

luca is the son (and only male heir) of, more or less, a dictator.

forrest (luca's father) is the king of the land and, after being humiliated by the queen of the elven race in the lands that his family has sought after for ages, one day decides to pretty much take them when he has the opportunity (which is a whole story in itself.)

there's nothing to lose, exactly, by not doing so—but there's a lot to take, still. and after what the queen did? he's pissed. so he does some...pretty horrible stuff! and it's not justified, at all.

but it also serves a story goal. which...i will touch on. later.

marion is the son of the elven queen who ends up being taken from his home and pretty exploited. he's trapped, stripped of his magical powers, and nobody has any respect for who or what he is...except luca.

it's NOT a story of "love at first sight" or whatever. luca sees what his father did, he knows it's wrong, and the first thing he does (when he sees a chance, and has made up his mind, at least) is to go to marion and tell him (nervous, because he's never really gone against his father, but his morals are stronger than his loyalty to his father) "i want to fix this. eventually. but it won't be immediate."

it's worth noting that the document is not in a state i feel comfortable letting other people read in it's entirety, though it currently stands at about 83 pages. there's...so much missing. so much still in my head.

regardless. there are several key points i've been trying to keep in mind while writing this

i do not think this will necessarily be "happily forever after", because...what will that make luca's promise? he's being sincere, and he has the intention of following through. that never changes. they will probably part in the end. but that doesn't mean that that's a bad ending, necessarily, or that the story isn't worth being written/reading.

they do fall in love. but they probably wouldnt if they werent stuck in the situation they are in. that said, it's not a "stolkholm syndrome" kind of situation, either. they are both in a bad situation, where luca's father has pressure against him mounting as luca continues to grow a spine, and marion is stuck in a place that is extremely suffocating. it's...a lot more complicated than that, but let's just put it that way. that said—they come to find comfort in one another, although it is absolutely not immediate.

marion is constantly trying to push luca's button's in the beginning, for one thing. he hates this man. he doesn't know him. why is this person kind to him? he wants to see him snap. he wants to see him suffer. MARION is suffering.

luca is doing his best to juggle things and stand by his own principals as best as he can without the changes he intends to make becoming obvious—because just his promise to marion is absolutely huge, and it will have huge repercussions on pretty much literally everything. if his father knew? there's no way he'd allow him to succeed the throne. so they have to keep quiet. and this list of things luca eventually wants to do as king only grows. it's becoming more uncomfortable as he realizes he truly cares about marion and wants to keep him safe, and he ends up more and more at odds with the person he realizes his father is. forrest hates this, too, because his son used to be obedient, and...um...it gets...heated...eventually.

this except below is from pretty far in!

to say the least.

now, you may be thinking, "okay...but if his dad's that big of a piece of shit, why is luca different?"

remember how i said the story is missing a lot? i have reasons. it's very related to his childhood and upbringing, and the kind of person his mother is. but i havent ironed out all the specifics yet. maybe some people are born with good hearts. but i think it really needs to go deeper than that, when you're raised at least near a maniac like luca's dad.

it's important to note: forrest is kind to his children. or he was...until they started to voice their own opinions. his daughters are safe. they have no expectations beyond "okay, well, get married or whatever" cuz..this takes place like, hundreds of years ago. im sorry im using some historical/societal expectations to fit my narrative but. uh...anyway. luca learned early on that he needs to keep that kind of thing to himself.

a little more on luca: he basically didnt let himself get angry for a long time. so when marion comes in, and so much injustice is absolutely blatant, and he comes to care for him, personally? he can't hold it back anymore, but he also doesn't really know what to do with it. how do you navigate when your father has the kind of power that luca's father does? luca is the crown prince, but he is a pawn.

and when he can't control it anymore, when he can't still be the person who's known for being so loyal, and so well-mannered? when a man in his position needs to keep things calm, to protect the person he cares about? when he could have just cost them both so much by giving in to fleeting anger? (the below excerpt doesnt go into that specifically...yet.)

he feels absolutely wrecked.

he throws up in a bush after that lmao

anyway! this story has a lot of...political implications. and it's not very straightforward, because due to that, i need to keep in mind that things will have a ripple effect.

luca is able to, for a while, get them out. but he can't avoid the things his father does forever. and at some point, he ends up being forced to be complicit in some things, and that really messes him up. i havent written that part yet, because it will require a lot of balance and be pretty rough. i want luca to be a good person, but i wonder if that's going to be feasible in the end. i want him and marion to part on good terms, but will that be possible, either?

there's...a lot to consider. and i need to do some historical research on war/politics. luca's role is not entirely clear due to the rather unclear information i have on the role of a crown prince in the government

luca's story is a lot clearer because it's a little more personal. but also, marion's arc really comes in later. he has to learn how to cope, how to hold his tongue and not throw fists. but he will eventually return home and have to learn his place again, if he even has one at that point. because luca does fulfill his promise, but...marion's home has changed so much when he finally is able to return. they've had to learn how to function without a true ruler, under forrest's reign, after a war to suppress their people and their people's magical abilities. they dont know or trust marion when he returns, because as far as they know, marion just went along with everything wholeheartedly. marion and luca do end up having 2 children. how is that supposed to look like opposition in any way?

there's like 50,000 things going on. it's not nearly finished.

alright. thats where im ending this. im so tired