ghosts pit of hell

and she was smiling at him. at. him. okay she was smiling. at. him. that's fine. whatever. logically i know that means nothing, and maybe i'm reading too much into things because she smiles at everybody (cause shes an angel). I mean thats why i fell in love with her hello, not even exaggerating, if heaven is real it was created for her. for a while i was convinced she was a figment of my imagination, theres just no other way to put it; she's perfect. she’s sweet to literally everyone. that’s part of the problem. why the fuck wouldn't he have a crush on her? and if i had the confidence, i would do exactly the same thing he's doing right now.

but yuck, watching him shoot his shot was almost like watching some nameless foot soldier trying to catch Helen's eye. a completely forgettable person trying to gain the attention of the woman whose beauty could launch a thousand ships.

he kept making her laugh. i bet his jokes were ass. just guy jokes. those stupid, unfunny, typical guy jokes where they think being loud counts as having a personality. and trust me i know, i was lurking down the hall pretending to look for something in my backpack while internally experiencing the emotional equivalent of a meteor impact.

and he’s so… guy-shaped.

like tall and broad and muscular. the kind of guy girls are supposed to like. And I'm… a girl. a girl who still can't think straight because her crush touched her wrist three days ago, who doesn't know if said crush also likes girls.

But he's just a basic guy.

what if she wants that. what if she likes him back and I’m just sitting here deluding myself, writing gay little diary entries while she ends up dating some mathlete with a penis and a jawline. i actually feel so sick thinking about it. like genuinely nauseous, this isn't okay in the slightest.

then — and this is what got REALLY irritated — he put his fucking hands on her. He touched her face i don't know what the fuck he was doing and i don't fucking care, what makes him think he can caress any part of her body or stand literally anywhere near her? tf?? this guy has gotta go.

i saw it happen real time slomo, and maybe your girl kinda possibly allegedly shed a tear or two. and then went home and shed many more.  but this is all alleged i would never do that irl lol…

Anyway, back to reliving my personal hell. she didn’t move away. she just kept talking with it all polite and sweet because we've already established shes an angel. she probably doesn’t even realize when people are flirting with her. cause i've tried many- ok lemme not lie i've actually never had the courage so i can't make that argument sigh. but for my sanity and peace of mind i'm gonna say that she had absolutely no idea and was just being nice. right? help me.

To be real i wanted to walk over there so bad. not even to say anything coherent. just to stand next to her like, idk a jealous guard dog. maybe bite him a little. i didn't tho, since i was allegedly crying and, let's be real, it would have made it awkward.

i hate this. i hate jealousy. it makes me feel ugly and weird and possessive in this awful embarrassing way. she’s not mine. she can talk to whoever she wants. but the idea of her liking somebody else actually makes my chest hurt.

especially a GUY.

because what do i even compete with there?? he can probably flirt normally without looking like he’s about to throw up. he probably doesn’t spend hours analyzing every smile she gives him. he probably just says things and they come out cool and easy. oh and the lets not forget the most important one… you guessed it, he has a dick. he looks like one too.

how the actual fuck did i get myself into this fuckass dumbass stupidass situationnnnnnnn.

and he kept making her laugh. it keeps replaying in my head now. her tilting her head back, carefree and radient. He does not deserve to hear it. he shouldn't be standing there looking smug. should i kill him. i'm very much considering it now.

afterward when she came over to talk to me i (obviously) acted weird because i was still jealous and she noticed IMMEDIATELY. like one look at my face and started asking was asking if i was okay.

she looked genuinely concerned, there was this little frown on her face, i hate being the one to put that there, i don't want her worried about me, i want her to literally always be happy. i was just doing my hardest not to ask “do you wanna kiss him??” i just shrugged it off and said i was tired.

she didn't buy it, but she never pushes. said i should sleep more because i’ve been looking exhausted lately. Suddenly i felt even worse, because she's over here wanting the best for me, when all i've been doing the last twenty minutes is planning that guy’s (who she probably unfortunately likes) extinction.

god.

if she ever dates a man my soul will die.

friday

I didn’t immediately consider arson today so that’s progress. i hate that fucking guy, no i am not over it. she talked to him again though. briefly. just “hi” and some normal school thing blah blah blah, i had to stop myself from throwing up in the hallway.

did he do anything to me? no. Do i still hate him with every atom in my body? of course i do. you know what else i hate? i hate that i care this much. I am doing EVERYTHING i can to try and be normal about this ughh. i can't do it i can't i can't i can't. it probably would have been easier if i hadn't already chosen the floral arrangements for our wedding. how on earth do i get rid of this guy fuck.

she came and sat with me later and it was like my nervous system forgot how to be angry. she just… does that. she shows up and suddenly every problem i have feels distant and stupid.

she asked me if i was still thinking about the project or if i was just “staring into space again.” i said i was thinking. technically not a lie. just didn’t specify what about.

she laughed and said i do that a lot.

yeah. i do.

because you exist.

sunday

I can't sleep. i keep replaying every small thing she does.

like today she fixed my collar again without asking. just reached over, straightened it, she said i looked pretty. and then went back to her notes. y'know i really couldn't tell ya what happened after that cause i don't know. i don't even know what happened before she did that cause i no longer remember. hahahahahahahahahhahahafuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. um yeah i almost kissed her, i really really wanted too and i did lean in and like i think i said something along the lines of "you're even prettier" (ellie with the rizz? ik i shocked myself), and then she like, fuck she blushed she looked so irresistible annnnndthen the stupid bell rang and she ran away from me to go to the bathroom or sth. holy missed opportunity, i hate myself.

i think about her hands a lot. too much. also.

not in a platonic way, but yeah, it's like my brain has decided they are important information that must be constantly archived. and her voice. the way she says my name in this really simple way like bark, woof woof. it makes my stomach drop every time.

i try fantasising about what it would be like if she liked me. like actually actually liked me back. not just being freindly. it feels unrealistic. like thinking about dinosaurs still being alive or humans living on mars. possible in theory maybe but not in my life.

still. i keep thinking about it. what if she looked at me like i look at her. i don’t think i’d survive it. she's too good for me anyway.

tuesday

he was there again. Mr fucking wise guy with the loud obnoxious-ass voice.

he walked her to part of her locker area after class and they were talking and giggling, and i felt that horrible drop in my chest again like my body still hasn’t accepted reality. i tried to leave early so i didn’t have to see it but she saw me first and waved me over, like nothing is wrong. like i'm not wasting away on the inside because of her.

There's no way in hell i could ever ignore her so, against my better judgement, i went over to them. and she introduced me. casually. like “oh this is ellie, we’re working on a project together.”

just… this is ellie.

not “this is my friend ellie” or "this is the girl who i'm in a one sided homoerotic relationship with" or anything. just my name. that stung. he said hi. i think i said hi back. i don’t really remember because my brain was overheating.

then she turned to me and started talking about the project like normal and i just nodded along pretending i was a functioning human being while this guy stood there watching. it felt weird. like being replaced in real time, even though it's not like there was anything solid to replace apparently, so…

after he left she stayed with me for a bit and asked why i looked stressed. i almost told her. almost said, “because i think you might like him and i hate it.” she has no idea. she’s trying to make things easier without even knowing what’s wrong.

I'm writing this, rotting in my bed after doing literally nothing but crying all day. maybe i'll call her? idk what to do, but i need to know if i have even the slightest chance here. If i don't i'll have no choice but to move on. shit i don't want to think about that.

— e

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