Can I tell you something and can you not get mad at me?
I don’t know what’s happening
I don’t know what this means.
I’m still that girl on the floor
I said yeah but not like that
Or have I aged backwards.
That’s what it feels like now.
I crave the kind of safety I once knew
The kind that was in words and hugs but now it feels like you’re too close
Like everyone is too close
Don’t look at me like that
Don’t talk about that subject.
Why didn’t you stop when I said it?
Why do I leave the room when others bring it up
Why do I hate using the word?
It’s gross and it hurts and suddenly you are all over me
Inside of me and I can’t get you out.
It was so easy for you to leave me
But there’s something inside and it’s been here since that day.
I want to scrape my insides out
I need to rid myself of the poison you left behind.
I have worked so hard for what—
I want to be myself again.
I want to feel only myself
I want to be me without the tears
I want to have my heart back instead of this black hole it’s become
Sucking what I once loved into nothingness.
I look in the mirror and soon I’m scared all that will be left is that hole
Staring back into the void.
The stars have disappeared
Can you give the part back you took that night?
Can you just give me my eyes back
Can you tell me you forgive me?
Sorry for saying what I didn’t mean
Sorry for giving the wrong idea.
It doesn’t mean what it’s suppose to—
Does hate exist in a world that hates itself?
Do we hold too much for it to go on?
Did I mean anything to you?
Is this what you wanted to hear?
— I still don’t want to use that word.
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