Jun 8
learning to think before I speak >>>
#‘well nobody’s looking’ is a flimsy excuse#I got way too comfortable sharing the vitriol because I could just delete it or walk jt back#same with on discord#I had a friend who would let me like#I’d record a voice note and send it and have it be there for a min and delete it#a lot has happened and the start of the a lot happening was close to today 4y ago#it has been nonstop crisis and then when I got here I started digging the holes further#the true insane thjngs that happened will never be believed bc of how I acted about the other stuff#and that’s fine#I know what happened#anyway the lesson learned from the phrase ‘a Tuesday in my life is what everyone else calls crisis’#is that maybe. just maybe. they’re just trying to fucking help#and I needed help and I didn’t even realize#I can only harp on one bad therapist for so long and also i chose to stick that out#ghe amount shared on here was never okay#it was not a good coping skill and at some point I knew and didn’t care that it could cause hurt#that’s not a friend#anyway everyone is going through lots of things#and I sometimes do need to scream and I know I’m being dramatic#I accused someone else of this but it’s becuase I do the exact same fucking thing#I’m so used to nobody listening when I’m struggling that I get so fucking careless and rude when people do#bc honestly the concept of this as an oblique subtweet platform would be better than the truth#that this was impulse and complete lack of control over myself and my actions and words#i maintain that I was running on fumes and I was lashing out bc I didn’t know what else to do. doesn’t make it ok but#now that I’ve clawed a little bit more out of the hole I can do a little better#friends worry about friends. also friends take care of themselves so others don’t have to worry.#and I don’t get to use the phrase ‘asking for it’.#and I don’t get to claim certain topics are triggering. just unpleasant.#and I don’t get to claim my options were different when I know she worked super fucking hard to get where she is#snd after being in her shoes with someone else I do not blame her for disengaging in fall or any of this at all
