Documenting my Life Writ Large in words & images

One of the (many) recurring nightmares I have is someone or a group of people attacking me very violently. These nightmares go on and on for what feels like the entire night. I had this dream yet again the other night. But this time was different. At the end of the dream I realised that it wasn’t someone or a group who were attacking me; it was me. What was really eye-opening about this, in the…

The memory of a specific psychiatric hospital admission has reared its head in my dreams, so I took it to therapy this week. I was committed to Sterkfontein, a large government psych hospital where a proportion of the population are those awaiting trial for defence by insanity, or those who were sentenced to be committed for their crimes. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.…

This is what living with social anxiety/phobia looks like. It’s debilitating. For me, it’s like being a deer in the wild – constantly aware of the threat of predators. For me, it’s not only being around other people that feels dangerous; even in situations when there is no one I can see in a social space, the worry that at any moment someone could enter that space is enough to make me constantly…

This is a catalogue of images exhibited at Studio23, Arts on Main, Maboneng Precinct in June/July 2013.

This is a catalogue of images exhibited at Studio23, Arts on Main, Maboneng Precinct in June/July 2013. All artworks are for sale. All artworks © Germaine de Larch Images, 2013.  https://issuu.com/germainedelarch/docs/catalogue_digital_germaine_de_larch

Transforming masculinity the responsibility of the trans* community in a society of gender violence. A paper I presented at the 2nd Trans* Health, Advocacy and Research Conference in Cape Town, South Africa, 30 May - 2 June 2014.

A paper I presented at the 2nd Trans* Health, Advocacy and Research Conference in Cape Town, South Africa, 30 May – 2 June 2014 https://issuu.com/germainedelarch/docs/transforming_masculinity_the_respon

The visible Queer: Portraiture & the reconstruction of gender identity. A paper I delivered at Wits in March 2014.

A paper delivered at Wits in March 2014. The public, theoretical queer space is one of many languages, celebrating diversity and the multitude of queer being and potential. But what about the private, lived experience of the queer? I argue that there is a massive disparity between the public, theoretical queer space and the private, lived queer space, as the latter is structured very much…

rising from the ashes – the rite of passage of renaming myself

(afterbirth; self-portrait, April 2012) In a world where language determines identity, the privilege of reinventing oneself through renaming one’s self is a rite of passage too few of us explore. One is born, christened with a name our parents/guardians/cultures choose on our behalf and we become that person. The institution of marriage allows some of us the choice to inhabit a new name, to…

On the 2nd of April Noah and I made vows and declarations to each other in the presence of our chosen family in a hand-fasting ceremony. This was my declaration to Noah: I’m a very serious person, because very serious things have happened to me. In this seriousness, I default to the rational, the intellectual, the good old brain. Because it is safe. It has limits and boundaries and language to…

In the seemingly endless and timeless saga of gallbladder pain and removal, a lot is coming up for me about the topic of pain. Today’s realisation: Do you know what happens when you validate someone’s current pain from a place of sincerity? When they know for a certainty that they, who never know anything coming from others to be certain, apart from pain? They begin to heal from past…

Popping in with an update. I’m still on a social media break, but wanted to let you know how I’m doing. I am starting to gain some equilibrium and have felt relatively good in the last two days. I think that the Dopaquel has finally started kicking in and the side effects of dizziness, dry mouth and increased blood pressure are lessening. My BP, while much better, is still a bit too high, which…

Social media hiatus: Sanity, insanity & self-care #CPTSD #CPTSDrecovery #complexPTSD #complexPTSDrecovery #trauma #traumarecovery

Just popping in and out to say that I’m taking a Facebook sabbatical. It’s not good for my mental health right now and my mental health status right now is not good for my usage of social media either. My filter between my verbal brain and verbal heart is severely compromised right now and I am not able to think things through properly in either direction, because I have become unmoored from the…

Self care & the problematic definitions of “selfishness”, “work” & “family”

The incalculably problematic definitions of “selfish”, “work” and “family” we have been forcefed are so, so damaging. “Me time”, with the whole work:life balance conversation emptily spewing from Capitalism’s mouth simply creates another carrot we can’t reach and we once again use the stick to beat ourselves up. I remind myself that everyone in a community which is privileged enough to have the…

I’m getting all excited about reading again. I was a voracious reader for about two and a half decades. That was taken from me by depression for the same amount of time. As we pack our home over the next 10 days to two weeks to move into Our Home in 10 days to two weeks (yes, we’ve left packing VERY late as it’s a thankless and depressing task), I’ll be packing a special box of books to reread.…

This. But the “quickly transform” is misleading – it’s simultaneously quick and agonisingly slow. This transformation is decades of spadework in and out of therapy. Noah’s love has provided a safety that has allowed me to realise that in that spadework, I was also planting seeds, which are now flowering.

Animals really do sense and react to our energies. I was reminded of this when Lily and Linkin, who are usually so prickly around each other due to Lily being so protective of me and my attention, had a sudden and unusual bout of energy and playfully chased each other around the garden and in and out of the house. Their barking at each other was a playful conversation rather than the usual grumpy…

In my feeling more alive and energetic in the last two weeks than I have in over a year (a year spent mostly emotionally and physically frozen due to difficult things coming up in therapy), I am, amongst many other reawakenings, remembering beautiful things about myself. Like the fact that I’m a collector. I am a collector of beautiful things. Things that make my soul happy because they reach…

Childhood sexual abuse & the muddle of love & sex

I’m slowly, but increasingly believing Noah when he says he loves me. A big part of this is because I’m learning that Noah always means what he says. I’m also learning to trust that he’s not going anywhere. It’s been two and a half years and I’m still learning. Because I’m still healing. The powerful thing about when Noah expresses his love for me verbally is that he doesn’t say I really love…