the comeback kid

my bf suggested we take vacation time around our anniversary this year and when i told my friends about it one of them asked "out of curiosity" who i'd want at an engagement party . .. the saxophones are getting louder

FINALLY finally finally watched true detective season one. i forgot matthew mcconaughey was more than a romcom love interest

fuck dude i gotta lock IN. i'm prediabetic again BUT ALSO i asked my bf how hard i need to lock in relative to like how soon he's proposing and all he said was "...lock in 🤫." like what!!!!!!! so now i'm like oh fuck okay cutting sugar hitting protein goals going on walks doing workouts. need to go grocery shopping so that we can start cooking healthier foods and i need to buy vegetables i can snack on. bc by the time i get proposed to i will be HOT idc

i think the only person in the world who understands pain the way i do is jenny holzer. she gets it

sigh i don't talk about this super often anymore bc my health issues have largely been treated effectively but goddamn my body is in bad condition lol. and it saddens me as someone who used to be an athlete and used to push myself physically (to a healthy degree). like yeah, i've found treatments that enable me to function, but i'll never be seventeen and running a 7.5 minute mile or diving to dig a serve, rolling, and popping back up, ever again. and bc now i suspect that i'm actually hypermobile and may have eds, those are feats i'll likely never accomplish again

man lol media literacy has just gone down the fucking shitter tbh. like sometimes idek about being a writer bc people don't understand anything but fucking pre-k level slop anymore. sorry if that sounds pretentious but the idea of writing something and releasing it to the world just for it to be scorned bc it's above most people's comprehension makes me want to rip my hair out

introspective tonight. thinking of who i am and who i used to by and why the latter is better than the former. diminishing returns

seventeen going under by sam fender has one of the strongest lyrical starts i've ever heard. "i remember the sickness was forever / i remember snuff videos." love that line

novel update, not going super well lol. like, it is, bc i have one more chapter to go according to my outline. but i've been super inconsistent w my words bc my heart is not in it. it's very short (technically not even a novel, it's sitting at like 33k words rn and i'm not sure my last chapter will bridge that last 7k words to actually make it a novel) and ik edits are gonna be crazy bc i feel like i've phoned it in a LOT. but once i finish the first draft (hopefully this week) i'll take like a month off to focus on other stuff (exercising consistently and releasing the first issue of my magazine) and then come back and hopefully shine it up

just got my first query response - a rejection. pour one out

btw, i did in fact finish my outline last night and start drafting my second novel today!!!! shitting myself lol