Just a place where I can scream about whatever is currently rotting my brain at the moment. *Header pic is art by my talented hubby.*
30something weirdo with ovaries
Been here awhile, but might as well introduce myself proper? K.
I'm Ali or genocidalfetus. I'm 40 yrs young, cis-mostly-het woman, married(so no, I will not send you nudes and will laugh if you send nudes to me and then block your arse), and a little weird...actually, I'm a lot weird. I'm awkward and don't quite know how to human, which makes me off-putting and might make ppl think I don't like them which is usually not true even though I do despise most of humanity for many a reason. My current brain rot is Cyberpunk, so that is what you will mostly see here. This is mainly a fan-blog, though you might see a pic of my dumb face every so often or a post that proves I am a person sometimes. My opinions on things are mine and mine alone, which may irk some people but I will not apologise for having an opinion that may or may not differ from someone else's. We all ain't gonna think the same way and I don't hold it against others if they don't agree with me, and expect the same courtesy.
This blog is welcome to most people, unless you're a twat, so don't be one and we'll get along just fine.
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Every day I think about my Shepard's relationship with his family and every day I think about how strained it must be. Like honestly and completely I can't think of him having a normal relationship with anyone in his family considering the pedestal that Shepard gets put on by the galaxy, but the one I always come back to is his dynamic with Hannah.
Like, what if you were Hannah Shepard and you had your kids and a family, spending a few years being very involved in their lives, but then joined the Alliance when it was still new, looking forward to exploring space and serving humanity. What if you were driven and focused and career oriented, but an accident on a ship you were serving on exposed you to eezo, then you found out you were pregnant again and the baby had been exposed too. What if you went home, had your new son, then returned to work with a new fear about eezo that clung to you as humanity began to learn more about it and linked it to biotics. What if your son, years later, developed biotics because of that accident, and it terrified you. What if he went on to join the Alliance, following in your footsteps, putting himself in danger because of his abilities. What if he saved so many lives on Elysium that he was given the Star of Terra and put in the N7 program. What if you found out from the news like everyone else that he became the first human Spectre.
What if you were somewhere in the middle of the chaos as Saren and Sovereign attacked the Citadel, and when it was all over, it was your son who had saved everyone. What if, a month later, he died on a routine mission, and no one found the body (you don't know if they even looked.) What if two years passed and you refused a promotion despite being so career oriented because it was what you felt honored your son the most. What if you then found out he was alive but hadn't told you and doesn't reply to your email when you send one. What if you find out months later that he was responsible for the destruction of an entire system and was being put on trial by the Alliance. What if the Reapers attacked and you didn't even know if your son survived at first because he was on Earth and you weren't. What if you find out through official channels, but it's radio silence from him, even when your other son, his brother, dies. What if you become a Rear Admiral because you don't have to honor his memory anymore because he's alive and safe and you can call him to tell him about the games you played with him when he was a child. What if, right after that, you find yourself in another battle, in the last stand against the Reapers, and your son is leading the charge. What if he beats the odds and the galaxy is saved but you're ordered to retreat and the last word you get is that he's still aboard the Citadel as it's destroyed by its own massive weapon.
What if you grieve him again, only to learn months later that he survived, was wrongly identified, and had been recovering in secret out of the spotlight, but nobody had told you. What if you meet him again in person but it's like meeting a stranger or a ghost. What if the little boy you used to play Alliance Captain with is now a giant, larger than life, with a legacy woven into the fabric of the galaxy. What if you sit there with him across from you and it feels like you're still light-years apart, the silence thick because you don't even know where to start, because this wasn't the boy you used to tuck into bed. What if Commander Shepard survived but your son never came home.
And what if you were Amadeus Shepard and you grew up surrounded by people but you felt so isolated because your parents were always busy and your siblings were so much older than you and you moved around too much to make friends. What if you overheard countless conversations about biotics and eezo and how scary it all was and you internalized that to the point of being terrified when you developed your own biotics that your family would think you were a monster. What if you hid them because they were never that strong anyway and you didn't want them and you were going to be a pilot, but then you were found out, and you felt like the only right choice was to get an implant and join the Alliance because at least they wanted biotics, unlike your family, who have never really seemed to look at you the same way since you developed your abilities. What if you became a navy officer. What if you were good at it. What if you were a hero. What if you got a Star of Terra and the attention of the N7 program. What if you became Admiral Anderson's protege. What if you called your mom but she brushed you away the same way she did when you were a kid, saying she was busy. What if you were made the first human Spectre and you didn't even call home that time. What if you saved the Citadel and the Council and were called a hero for it, but a month later, you were killed trying to save one single life.
What if you came back two years later and everything had changed and you were exactly the same and the people you cared about all thought you were gone but you couldn't reach out to any of them without putting their careers, if not more, on the line because you were working with awful people to do what needed to be done. What if you got an email, one of the few times your family had reached out to you without it being for a holiday or birthday, but you couldn't respond. What if you learned that, while your mom might've been more invested in her career than in spending time with you, she turned down an incredible promotion just to honor your memory. What if you rubbed her legacy in the dirt just a few months later by destroying an entire system, even if you swear it was for the right reasons. What if you never even got to apologize because you were arrested and then the Reapers arrived and you don't know if your family is alive. What if you found out your mom's safe but your older brother died and you didn't even know how to feel because you barely knew him but he's still your brother and he died trying to protect biotic kids from Cerberus partly because they reminded him of you. What if your mom called you and told you about the games you played with her as a kid that you'd nearly forgotten about because they were from another lifetime.
What if you led the fight against the Reapers, made a choice to save the entire galaxy, and closed your eyes expecting to die, but woke up in the rubble. What if you healed slowly, in secret, identified wrongly as your partner because you were wearing his dog tags as a good luck charm. What if you feel more cared for by his mother than you ever did by your own. What if you feel guilty about it forever. What if you see your mom again but it feels more like meeting Rear Admiral Shepard than it does your family. What if you want to ask her why she wasn't involved in your life like she was for your siblings but the words get stuck in your throat. What if she tells you she's retiring because the grief over her other son is too much even though she kept working when you died. What if you resent her and you love her and you choke on all the things you want to say. What if you're too old to cry because you want your mom but you can't help yourself because you're not sure you ever really had her to begin with.
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Getting new followers cuz of my rare post of my own stupid face so....
Welcome I guess? this blog is mostly for brain-rot cringy stuff regarding whatever videogame I'm playing at the moment because that's what this cringe-ass site is mostly for. Maybe eventually for any original writings I eventually get to and occasionally I post stuff about myself.
I'm not on the meat market. Haven't been for a very long time so if you followed because of that, you're barking up the wrong tree.
Throwaway pics π for Jackie's bday post.
Kinda like cut out materials for a scrapbook/collage, but not intended for single pics as they are kinda rough looking (posting before I delete them):
This freaking ad on the TV was one of the things that made me do a collage! I didn't notice it while taking pics but it was so annoying to look at while editing ππ€£
My little baby concert stage at El Coyote Cojo lol. Thank you to @luvwich for telling me all about World Builder π₯² and @cotton-candy-merc for always listening to me as I lose my damn mind with how I was gonna do the pics and where I was gonna get a drummer π€£π
World Builder
Drums - WB Prop @desertpirate77
I Wanna Rock
Battle of the Bands @nightcitysteve
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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