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@genderdumb

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i’m tired of “how to help a partner with [x mental illness]” guides that assume that the other partner has no issues of any kind; i want more discussion of how to balance the differing mental health needs of multiple people in a relationship
So my partner and I have been together almost two years, and we both suffer from anxiety, BPD, and a handful of other mental illnesses, and here’s some things that help us out immensely.
communication is key. Tell your partner if you’re having a bad day. Listen when your partner says they’re having a bad day. It’s easier to be careful with someone when you know they’re already having a bad day. I can’t stress this enough - communication is always important in relationships; but it’s doubly so when one or both of you has a mental illness. You have to trust your partner to be able to be honest with you about what they’re feeling and how their illness is affecting them, and you need to be honest with them, too. ask questions. If your partner is struggling, asking them questions to help you understand how to help them can be good. Remember that ‘I don’t know’ is a valid answer, and it is one that you can also give. be reminders for each other. It can be super hard to remember to do simple things for yourself; it can be easier to remember to remind your partner to do them. My partner reminds me about medication, food, etc., and I do the same for him - it helps a lot. use safewords. And I don’t mean in the kinky sense. My partner and I have a series of words that mean different things, because sometimes it can be hard to say ‘I’m swinging’ or ‘I’m having a panic attack’ or ‘this subject is upsetting me for x y z’ reason. It’s easier to say one syllable - ‘swing’ for rapidly cycling emotions, ‘count’ for panic attacks (so one of us can count breaths for the other). We have words that mean ‘drop this subject now’ and words that mean ‘please don’t touch me’. We also have hand signals for days when one or both of us are nonverbal, and we revert to texting on those days. be willing to give each other space. But don’t necessarily go far. If you need your space, tell your partner; if your partner needs their space, make sure they can still access you. acknowledge each other’s illness. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Acknowledge that they’re there, acknowledge that sometimes they may come in conflict with each other, and learn how to take a step back when it becomes a problem. call each other out. If your partner is repeatedly doing things that are detrimental to themselves/your relationship/you, call them on it. Don’t do it in an asshole way - just sit down with them and be like ‘hey, you’ve been doing this thing that is really sucky lately, and it needs to stop.’ Likewise, listen when you’re being called out. It’s really easy to get stuck in shitty loops when your brain is sick, and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing ‘til someone points it out. This hurts! And it sucks! But it’s part of acknowledging your illnesses. It doesn’t do any good to let bad habits continue, even if there’s a reason they’re happening. learn to forgive. When you’ve both got brain issues going on, it’s inevitable that people are going to say things they don’t mean, and that is going to hurt. The important thing is being able to recognize when you’ve messed up and apologize sincerely, and accept it when your partner apologizes. These are just some things that work for us. Add to the list if you can and I hope this helps.
This is great and I would like to add some things since almost all of my relationships have been with someone else with mental health issues.
One, it’s important to remember that one person’s pain does not negate the other’s. In a lot of my relationships, if someone was feeling shitty, the other person would keep to themselves something on their mind and try to take care of the other person whether they were capable or not. You can both have a bad day at the same time, and one person does not have to take care of the other.
Two, you have to be careful about feeling the other person’s feelings. I think a lot of people get this confused with empathy, but you can learn to be empathetic without doing this. If you feel shitty because another person feels shitty or vice versa, you’re going to feel shitty a lot more than you have to.
Take care of each other, everybody.
i can’t stop sending this cat to people so I may as well draw him
sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.
“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.
“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.
when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.
if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.
you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot.
This is the most carefully-nuanced discussion of this I think I have ever seen. Thank you for writing this.
types of love I feel for you:
peachy love - a comfy love, as cozy as afternoon sunlight in the summer, as warm as coffee shops and summer picnics. being with you is like listening to music - I forget my worries and sunlight is brighter. sharing tiramisu cake, laughing so hard tears surface, going on adventures…moments like these carry a hint of soft nostalgia, even while they are happening.
starlight love - I’m enchanted by the pretty colors in your eyes - when the sunlight hits them, they remind me of precious stones. I imagine talking to you until 3 am on a rooftop, the stars bright above, frozen in time. when I look at you, it’s like admiring a beautiful work of art. thinking about you makes my heart blush. I can’t help but gaze at you, wondering how anyone could be so perfect.
rosy love - seeing you gives me butterflies. you make me feel calm and flustered at the same time, a feeling I’ve never felt before. sometimes, I imagine a soft love song that plays in the background when I’m with you, like we’re in a movie. all I want to do is cuddle with you, lie next to you, go to cute ice cream parlors and hold your hand. I’m either with you or waiting to see you again, and you make me happier than anything else in the world.
lunar love - you know my secrets, I know yours. like the moon, you understand my mannerisms, emotions and thoughts like no one else, and I can tell from a glance if you’re only pretending to be happy, or if something is troubling you. at night when you can’t sleep, I’m here. when I’m sad, you know the perfect things to say. It’s like we were both created to heal and comfort the other, like soulmates. I know that as long as you’re here, I’ll be okay.

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you are my peach, you are my plum
what if we kissed.... after making eye contact through the crowd at a king princess concert.... and then made out afterwards... hahaha just kidding.... unless?
my time has come. genderdumb and timefake
girls don’t want a boyfriend.
girls want zendaya.
The adventure cat 🐱🌿🏔️❤️

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
made flesh amrit brar, 2017
short semi-stream-of-consciousness zine. i like putting my art and textposts/tweets/random journaling stuff together, especially when they end up being unlikely companion pieces. a lot of these are illustrations from the marigold tarot with the accompanying notes/text i haven’t shared alongside the cards yet. i’m planning on bringing printed copies with me to short run in seattle this weekend!
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I love hanging out with baby boomers my mom was driving and we passed a “road work ahead” sign and obviously i have no self control so now she thinks I’m the funniest person she knows
i would like to see… a little lizard
Here you go
that sir is far too small!
holy shit
WEE WOO WEE WOO UR UNDER ARREST FOR BEING 2 SMOL LITTLE MAN
Today is master-class: how to paint a cat
I love genuinely innocent “boys will be boys.” Just saw a guy come out of a frat house to poke a pair of jeans they’d left outside - they were frozen solid, and as soon as he confirmed that, like twenty more boys came rushing out of the house going “YOOOOOOOOOO”
I heard grunting outside my window the other night and there were four boys struggling to push this giant snowball (like 7 foot diameter) down the sidewalk.
I once lost my keys at a frat house.
My drunk ass had actually walked home without them, pounded on my apartment door, gotten let in by my rightfully-disgruntled roommate, and proceeded to pass out on the couch. Apparently I puked in the toilet before passing out. I do not remember this part.
The next morning, I schlepped back to the frat house. I stood there, right in front of the front door. This was a novel experience for me. I’d never been at a frat house in broad daylight before.
A boy, presumably, of the house, asked me what I was doing.
“I lost my keys in here last night,” I called back. “I was seeing if I could go in and look for them?”
He opened the door and gestured for me to come in.
“Go wherever you want.”
I’d never seen a frat house post-party before. Wandering up the stairs and through the halls, I was surrounded by hungover and still-drunk frat boys stumbling around in their socks and sandals and gym shorts, seeking out food and showers like moths to a porch light. A few of them threw puzzled glances my way. I’m sure they thought I was some post-bacchanalia hallucination.
I entered one room where a boy was drunkenly watching some Old Yeller-esque movie on a tiny TV in the corner of his room from his bed.
“Do you like dog movies?” he asked, voice all mumbly from grogginess and also from the fact that his face was squished against his pillow and half-buried by his blanket.
I told him I did.
He mumbled again, pleased, and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for my keys.
“Sorry, I haven’t seen any keys around here.”
I didn’t doubt him.
Twenty minutes had passed. I’d searched just about every bedroom and nuclear-waste-dump-site of a bathroom in that house. I’d given up on ever finding my keys and was prepared to beg my roommates’ forgiveness and get a new set copied.
As I stood there in the hallway, silently bewailing my predicament, a particularly-burly frat boy approached me.
“You need help with something?”
“I lost my keys here last night and I can’t find them, I’ve looked everywhere.”
“What do they look like? I’ll put it into the group chat.” He was already pulling out his phone.
No one ever checks a group chat, I thought, but what the hell. It was worth a shot. “Um, it’s just a ring of keys. The keychain is a pink plastic cat, though, like yea big. Like bright pink, you can’t miss it.”
He nodded, presumably typing this description faithfully into the group chat.
“Alright, I sent the message out. Good luck.”
And with that, he turned and left.
A few moments later, I heard a distant thundering. It was coming from upstairs, and it was getting louder and louder. One assumes that how I felt in that moment was how Simba felt seeing the wildebeest stampede through the ravine as a horde of large young men all thundered down the stairs, making a beeling for me.
“Someone tell the girl!” One of them shouted, faceless in the mob. “Girl! Hey, GIRL!!! We found your keys, girl!!!”
They circled around me. I hadn’t felt that small since I was maybe eleven years old. One of them split himself off from the crowd.
“Are these -” he pulled out a ring of keys from his pocket, “your keys?”
And lo, there was the distinctive bright millennial pink cat keychain dangling off the ring.
“Yes,” I whispered. “Oh my god, yes.”
“EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”
The cheer went up.
Turns out he found them in the bathroom upstairs. I thanked them again profusely. There was a scattered round of “no problems” and then, just as suddenly as they descended, they all dispersed, like ships in the night.
THIS is boys will be boys
on a camp with teenage boys recently and as i was one of the camp leaders, it was part of my duties to help wake said boys in the morning (at 6am or a similar ungodly hour).
we (the camp leaders) found the most efficient way to do so was to blast music from a tinny little speaker one of us owned.
so before the sun itself has risen, we’re walking down a corridor with 8+ rooms filled with 6 or more boys in each, blasting the one and only Let It Go from Frozen, hoping to wake a few students, preparing for hateful commentary.
instead, what we got was the thumps and shouts of boys excitedly leaping from bunk beds, stuffing on shirts and bursting into the corridor to scream the lyrics to Let It Go.
every.single.boy.did this.
as soon as the song finished, they acted like it never happened and went back to their rooms to get dressed.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Using a knife to open everything is absolutely the opposite of the monkey brain/human brain posts.
Monkey brain: Just use your hands to open this packet. It is easy. It is designed to be opened by bare hands.
Human brain: hohohohohoho look who invented tools jackass