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Vitamin Water B.A. in Psychology/English (2015) University of Hensworth

Submission to the Degree Committee

I cannot relate to you the passion I feel for the English language and literature of the 20th century. I hope that this, my application of precisely 200 words, relays to you how much the rest of my life depends, solely and ineluctably, on this one opportunity to expound the argument that I deserve a spot in your program. Though the odds may be a modest 2,000:1, I am not afraid.

Please refer to my CV for an extraordinary list of incredible deeds you would never believe a mere child of 20 could have achieved. To briefly summarize, you will find listed:

An astonishing 4.0/4.0 CGPA

No less than 4 research assistant positions

4 publications, to 3 renowned English journals and the New England Journal of Medicine

4 consecutive full-year internships with Mr. B (“Call me B”) Gates on the Latitude

38 Four-Dam Projects

1 archeology “dig” in Greece on behalf of an anonymous donor whose face I am not permitted to see 

(But this is, of course, a joke. I have seen his face. I decided one day that I am not content with the silken luxuries of the southern wing, the riches under the hill, and I struck up my oil lamp and followed along the plastered walls and portraits of Munjong and disappointed children. I deliberated at the libraries of the western corridor, but I forsook it. I entered the place of Eros, the red room, velvet beds and damask blood on bicycle lanes, and looked at his face, and the oil nearly hit his shoulder! But he opened his eyes at me. He blinked and said, worn and pale and dying,

- We’ve made our allegiances. 

Think and he was right. I loved him at once, his hair black and his face without eyes and lips but eggshell, because I could draw him with soot. I said,

- I picked you instead. Forget the rose! Forget the books! Forget the fires! Forget it! And his clicked his tongue in a sad way, a sort of sad way, really sad,

- that you didn’t bring a flint.

Erupted into vines and snakes athwart the sail-rods and I leaped towards him. I seized his gorgon-head and he burst into the sea.

Dear Ms. Water,

MPhil in English Studies: Modern and Contemporary Literature Admission in Michaelmas Term 2015 ID: 1046405 / Applic Nbr: 1041400

Thank you for sending your application for admission. The University has given it careful consideration and, I am sorry to tell you that they have decided that they are not able to offer you a place.

The University receives thousands of applications, all from very able prospective graduate students, and the competition for the limited number of places is intense. This means that we are not able to offer admission to many good candidates.

If you wish to be considered for admission in a later year, you will therefore have to make a new application, using new materials.

I am sorry to bring you this disappointing news.

Board of Graduate Studies 

University of Cambridge

**********This is a system generated email. Please do not respond to this email account.**********

Written by C. Kim

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Water, Vitamin University of Hensworth

[Vitamin Water is an undergraduate student at the University of Hensworth, Winnipeg, and is the recipient of the 2013 Winnipeg CGIF Scholarship for Promising Youths in Academia.]

Abstract

Historically, symptoms of mental illnesses have been attributed to just about everything but mental illnesses for thousands of years (Kim, 2011). The countless historical accounts of trephination - the act of drilling a hole through one’s head for the purpose of drawing out the spirit of ‘madness’ - testify to this grim fact. It was only during the Victorian period that the theory of madness changed drastically, from something relating to moral and purely organic causes, to something different (Steen, 1991). Specifically, it was the emergence of Darwinian theories of evolution (Steen, 1991) and Freud’s work in psychoanalysis during the turn of the 20th century (Lane & Harris, 2002) that sparked an academic revolution that would, eventually, lead to the formation of today’s conceptions of psychopathology as multi-directional, multi-faceted symptoms that vary largely between individuals.

Acknowledgement

The author would like to thank the ONTARIO ASSOCIATION OF PSYCHOLOGISTS (OAP) and Winnipeg CGIF for their generous $5000 scholarship-bursary - this paper is gratefully dedicated to them. The author would also like to thank Dr. L. Potter and Dr. J. H. Watson of the University of Hensworth for their revision and supervision through the production of this paper. You know, even if Dr. Potter really did nothing. She’s not the type.

A Tangent on Dr. L. Potter: Why This Paper was Necessary

Dr. L. Potter of the Neuroscience Department is a spectacular person and knows absolutely nothing at all about the author. “Why write this paper at all?” (Potter, 2013) Because you should, that’s why. The recipient of the Theseus Winnipeg Scholarship must write an academic essay upon reception of the scholarship, as is tradition (Theseus, 1945). One may claim that “CGIF owns [the foundation] now and no one is required to uphold [this] tradition” (CGIF, 2012), but why should this mean anything at all?

Why should this author not write this paper? Because the scholarship is no longer distributed on the basis of the winner’s academic merit? Because the Scholarship Agent at the CGIF picked names out of a hat (P. Vitamin, 2013)? Does the author lose all right to feel pride for receiving her prize, simply because she does not deserve it (W. Vitamin, 2013)?

Luck is not a skill (P. Vitamin, 2013). But being a good opportunist takes skill (W. Vitamin, 2013). The woman who finds the golden crown may put it on and call herself Queen of Canadia. “Where is Canadia” (P. Vitamin, 2013), you ask?

Exactly.

This paper will look amazing on my CV.

Freud, Shakespeare, and Survival in the Modern World

But Mostly Just Survival

Harry Theseus was a “man of iron” (Theseus, 1945). The mayor of Athens, Greece for a period of approximately three days on the account of miscounted ballots, he later returned to Winnipeg, Canada during the First World War and worked as a bank clerk. Though he ultimately died penniless, his motherless child grew up to be a rich roller-coaster tycoon. Upon being advised by a lawyer to put on a display of philanthropy for the public, James Sirius Theseus exclaimed: “over the corpse of my cold-hearted old man!” (Theseus, 1945). Thus, the Theseus Winnipeg Scholarship was unintentionally created (Theseus, 1945).

Harry Theseus therefore teaches us one crucial life lesson: only the end product matters (Theseus, 1945). This is a condition, not of our own choosing, but one that has been passed down from a time before ours. Does anyone care for Harry Theseus? What do we really know about him? Nothing. But this is not important. In the end, he is the honoured ex-mascot of a prestigious scholarship foundation, and that is all that matters. Who cares about James Sirius Theseus? Roller coasters may be fun, but nothing beats getting a cool five-thousand dollars thrown at your lap.

Coffee Break

Starbucks is overpriced (World, 2013). But this author is a Gold Member now and no longer cares. Academia may simmer at the bottom of her macchiato, but it shall not find her until three hours on Netflix has drained her cup clean.

The rest of the paper shall argue that one can write coherent prose while watching Shaun of the Dead (Park & Wright, 2004) for the first time.

Somewhat relevant to the topic?: The Henriad and Us

Another note about Shakespeare before Hot Fuzz (Park, Bevan, Fellner & Wright, 2007) ends: There is no end to hypocrisy. You remain a hypocrite or live long enough to see yourself become a shameless liar. Is there any other similarity shared between the titular characters of Shakespeare’s Richard II, Henry IV (Parts I and II), and Henry V? Only disappointment at one’s predecessor and displeasure at one’s successor (Kim, 2013). If this sounds like the beginning of a painfully overdue English paper, that’s because it is.

However, the educated reader will not fall so easily to the “why-write-an-unnecessary-paper-when-you-have-no-time” fallacy (Potter, 2013). This paper is, after all, an essay of great importance; evidence of five-thousand dollars’ worth of potential realized to nothing at all. A waste (P. Vitamin, 2013).

General Discussion

The modern understanding of psychopathology owes much to the influences of key psychological ideas, such as those of Freud (Lane & Harris, 2002). But in the end, the history of psychological illnesses is a long and diverse one, the point being that things are better now than they were before, when physicians swore by Apollo and Europe danced with St. Vitus (World, 2013).

It is different today. Why else would you throw away thousands on an undeserving candidate? Why is the success built on our roller coasters less memorable than a falsely glorified past?

It is no different today. You will find no courage to speak up about your clinically diagnosable anxiety. You will allow Dr. J. H. Watson to fail you in first-year Math because of it. You will write entire papers, erase their contents, and fill the empty space with despair.

You will crown yourself the Queen of Canadia.

  References

Capital and Grant Investments Federation. (2012). Scholarship Guidelines. Retrieved from http://cgifwinnipeg.ca/24601/scholarship-guidelines.pdf

Kim, C. (2011). Stuff I read in psychology textbooks today. I Have No Idea What I Am Doing, 7(5), 2.

Lane, R. C., & Harris, M. (2002). The changing place of the dream in psychoanalytic history, part I: Freud, ego psychology, and the interpersonal school. Psychoanalytic Review, 89(6), 829-859.

Park, N. (Producer), & Wright, E. (Director). (2004). Shaun of the Dead. [Motion picture]. United Kingdom & France: Universal Pictures.

Park, N. (Producer), Bevan, T. (Producer), Fellner, E. (Producer) & Wright, E. (Director). (2007).

Hot Fuzz. [Motion picture]. United Kingdom, United States & France: Universal Pictures.

Potter, L. (2013). Being ‘reasonable’. She’s Actually My Cousin, 8(1), 1-3945.

Shakespeare, William. (1595). King Richard the Second. London: Shakespeare’s Own Hand.

Shakespeare, William. (1597). Henry IV, Part 1. London: Please Don’t Make Me Cite the Folio.

Shakespeare, William. (1598). Henry IV, Part 2. London: Whatever Press Shakespeare Desired.

Shakespeare, William. (1599). Henry V. London: No Press, Unless He Legit Did Print.

Steen, M. (1991). Historical perspectives on women and mental illness and prevention of depression in women, using a feminist framework. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 12(4), 359-374.

Theseus, J. S. (1945) My father’s great charity. In C. Kim (Ed.), I Am Making This Up (1-5). Toronto: Hensworth Press.

Water, V. (2013). Arguing with Pill: Shut up, you are making me anxious. In C. Kim (Ed.)

 I am a Hot Mess, but Not the Kind of Hot You are Thinking About (125-127). Toronto: Hensworth Press.

Water, P. (2013). Arguing with Vitamin: Scholarship? More like lottery. In C. Kim (Ed.) I am Her Sister (300-500). Toronto: Hensworth Press.

World, A. (2013). You know it’s true. Everyone Agrees, 283245235234(235), 236346735.

Written by C. Kim