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This is what he did when you were sad, angry or frightened. He didn’t push you into cover. He didn’t force you into places. He knew it better than anyone else: when it rains, it pours. He let the rain pour. Slowly. Taking its time. To course through you. As thoughts stormed into your mind. Tears flowing free. He just held your hand. He was there with you. He knew that you were not a tub of ice cream kind of girl. You were an entire chocolate cake, preferably the decadent chocolate ganache covered chocolate cake kind and he had that ready in the fridge. He also knew if your anxiety gets too much you’d skip the cake and go for something warm so got all his teas prepared for you. He shares his tea bags with you when you need them the most. Most people know Namjoon drinks coffee. Most people don’t know he loves tea and collects them. He loves all kinds of tea. But prefers calming ones. Both of you took the time to know each other. For it is not just about love languages but love itself was a language. It was learning to love each other. A roadmap to connect two souls. 

This is why you take trips to Ilsan frequently. You learned to make his favorite kimchi. You even made his comfort food jjajangmyeon. You asked the ahjumma at his favourite restaurant to teach you, falling for your charms she gave up all her recipe secrets. You travel three hours, every weekend when you don’t have work to learn recipes from the woman who brought him into this world. You share a very close bond with his mother. Namjoon had even shed some tears when he saw you laying on his mother’s lap while she stroked your hair lovingly and watched tv, both of you on the floor. You fit right in. Into her lap, at his house, and in his life. He knew that he forever belonged to you. And he would hold onto you, as his, for the rest of his life and many lifetimes ahead as well. You made sure Namjoon always came home from tour to a table set-up fully with all his favorite Korean food, side-dishes, and beer. An entire spread. You make sure to even send seaweed soup for his mom on her birthday. It’s tradition that the daughter-in-law makes the soup for the mother-in-law. You and Namjoon haven’t talked about marriage yet. But both of your hearts resonate the same thing: this ones mine. 

It was a summer day when you felt bored and needed to destress. You decided to bake cookies. Using the new kitchen aid stand mixer Namjoon got you for your second year anniversary. You even had your own baking space. So you sent to cookies to Bang PD. He was really happy and even made a call from Namjoon's phone to thank you. He had already taken in the fact that you were here for the long run and he couldn’t be happier that Namjoon had found you. You see, to Bang PD Namjoon was a worrier. He worried a lot. He worked very hard exhausting himself often. When BTS were new he had way more responsibilities weighing him down on his shoulders. The members were all lost and disoriented at times. But as time passed Namjoon was still a worrier. He had a lot of thoughts. Ideas. Concepts. Abstracts. After all, he is an artist. Bang PD was a little concerned because he got quiet. He worried Namjoon felt lonely and that no one would listen to him. However, that was not the case. He was quiet because he was at peace. On the inside. He had you. To ease him out of his thoughts when needed. When asked for. 

Namjoon hates parties. Sure he’s the CEO, of one of the biggest crime syndicates in the world, the biggest and most feared in South Korea so he could have sent his associates or one of his brothers to attend this party but he was there for a very specific reason. Y O U.

With a frontal name of BigHit Inc., run by the most fearsome mafia BTS behind it, the most fierce crime lords and not by the old fashioned guns and murders way well, that sometimes yes, but mostly financial crimes, stealing money and intellectual property theft done so well they’ve been thriving the last few decades when their fathers, mafia bosses, seven families joined hands together to be sworn allies promising to take down and gain power over the corrupt government. Now run by their sons seven men, most of them educated in Ivy League schools. 5 of them even hold dual degrees, their leader Kim Namjoon or RM even holds a fucking Ph.D. A born genius, his IQ only amplifying his true potential. His members' capabilities, work ethic complimenting the jobs they pull off together as a team. This team was perfect and solid in all ways made to rule. As if fate had brought them together.

The party was boring as usual. All of the crime lords and mafia bosses with their families were here. It reminded Namjoon of the party, similar to this where he first laid his eyes on you. His gaze traveling from the bar section of the huge ballroom towards you at the opposite end where you were forced to make small talk. You stared back at him with the same intensity. Your eyes catching his gaze, latching onto his dragon eyes drowning in those dark orbs that stared at you. You weren’t afraid, not even intimated. No sign of a blush. You weren’t swooning like those other girls. You simply stared back at him equally fierce taking his presence in. Your own doe-like eyes even if not as sharp as his, held enough power to not only draw the attention of the most powerful, eligible bachelor, most feared CEO of an empire himself but also spark something in him. And ever since then your life and these parties have been different. You solely come here to see him. And the same for him. To see you.

What Namjoon and you shared was special. With your family owning amalgamation of big companies, reputable among the mafia bosses and crews it came with lots of curfews for you the heiress to your father. You were an asset. One that would be traded someday. To a man that would be chosen for you, based on his family, money and what value he can derive for your father and his business. And you shall be his dutiful wife, produce an heir and then wait for death inside some mansion. This was your fear. You were disgusted whenever any thoughts of how your future would be like crossed your mind. Amidst all the chaos, uncertainty and lack of control in your own life, you met Namjoon, your Joon. The man changed your entire perspective on love, intimacy and boy he had you pining for him even yearning. But what you didn’t realize is he was yours since he saw you for the first time two months ago.

Namjoon’s at his usual spot. By the bar. Waiting for you. With a drink in his hand. There was no way he could take you on dates given your family. The curfews. And that bullshit about what girls and women can and cannot do. He hated the way women were treated. He was lucky that his father was not as stupid as the others. He made sure that his sister was sent away to Switzerland to study, and live her life the way she wants to like any normal girl. And she was happy and so was his mother who lived in Japan with her own small business, even enjoying life. He hoped one day he can go away somewhere with you. Away from all this. Take you on dates. Hold your hand while he walks next to you. Kiss your cheeks whenever he wanted to. Make you giggle with all the cheesy compliments and then make out till his heart's content. Right now he had to settle for stealing glances in between. Carefully brushing his hand whenever he walked near you. This is all the affection or physical contact he’d get. On a good day, when people at the party would be preoccupied with taking some political party member down or something like that Namjoon would sneak you out to the roof, or to the parking lot inside his car to steal kisses. Heated kisses. Passionate kisses. One where he’d drag your soft lips between his teeth just to hear that moan. Running his hands all over your body while you clutched his torso, held on to his pecs and squeezed his biceps for dear life gasping for air. His plump lips swollen, his shirt buttons open, neck and collarbones littered with hickeys and marks you’d leave every time you had one of your little adventures. Namjoon would give anything to mark you just one small hickey but he couldn’t and he won’t risk your family finding you out. You have stylists and beauty consultants that will scan every inch of your body and he couldn’t afford to get you in trouble. So he holds back and tells himself that he’ll wait for the day, that one day you’ll be his.

All these thoughts suddenly clouding his mind made him feel so empty his forehead sweaty. He decided to step out to the balcony a little disappointed that he’s not seen you yet. He made sure your family was invited. He knows you’ll be there with them as your parents like to show you off like some diamond jewelry piece or an ornament they possess. The thought of you being married to someone else makes Namjoon’s blood boil. And even at these parties the way the other men scan your body, while you’re in your tight-fitting dresses draping your body perfectly makes him want to take his gun out and shoot them all. He looks over to the night sky sighing and drinking his third glass of scotch. Namjoon suddenly feels a pair of hands right above his navel and he’s ready to smack that person but he hears your voice and jolts instead trying to turn.

“Boo!”

“Were you supposed to meet me here?” Namjoon asks with a grin, lifting a brow as if he didn’t just get scared and pulls your wrist around his waist towards his back so he can hug you.

“No I’m a surprise,” you say sounding all sassy and smiling where your cheeks fluff up and you look like a pufferfish and it always gets Namjoon. His eyes are crescents, dimples peeking from his cheeks.

“What would they say if they saw the big bad Kim Namjoon like this?” you ask raising your brow not as good as Namjoon but it gets the job done.

“If I didn’t hear your voice, but only felt hands and if it weren’t you, they’d be dead princess” he responds voice deep and low holding that timber, his the last four words whispered into your ear. His breath making you feel ticklish so you giggle. He looks around to check if any eyes were on him and then, quickly pulls you into a hug. You smell divine as usual. Namjoon dips lower and places his chin near your neck. He loves it. The smell of your perfume, your shampoo combined with your own sweet natural scent. Makes him feel like some kind of animal, primal instincts kicking in and he knows if he keeps his head there he’s a goner. But what he feels now is different than usual. Your body is warmer to his touch. He’s used to how you normally feel. And right now you feel warm, your skin hot when he slots his fingers on your forehead brushing your hair to the side.

“Looks like you’re running a fever are you okay princess?” he asks his voice suddenly all serious, brows furrowed his gaze boring to where his hands meet your skin. You want to say that you’re okay, but you’re not. You feel sore everywhere. Your legs hurt from wearing heels. Your dress is too tight and you’re hating the way it feels all over your body. It’s making you feel uncomfortable. The material just feeling torturous against your feverish skin. You haven’t had proper meals because your family starved you so don’t look bloated for today’s event. They wouldn’t even feed you when you were sick. You threw up twice but they still made you come here. You need an IV probably. You thought you’d text Namjoon but since they were going to make you attend this party anyways might as well be here and get some serotonin from seeing him. You were always trained to say you’re okay. Making yourself seem strong. Your needs were never to be put first. But right now the way Namjoon looks at you, with so much care and concern makes your heart ache so you give in, tell him and you just want to sit down because you don’t know when your dizziness will be back. You want to cry because you’re so annoyed and irritated your brain a mess.

“No” you squeak out. You eyes now glossy and Namjoon’s heart just breaks at that. Only after a few seconds does he realize how your face gives away the exhaustion after he looked at it a little longer. The bags under your eyes can be seen. Even if the concealer did a good job of hiding the dark circles Namjoon can see how truly tired and exhausted you must be feeling. Your cheeks more hollow. Your posture barely making you stand straight or still. Fidgety. Weak. You lean into his arms. Your forehead meets his shoulder. His black blazer feels so soft. You sigh. you want to just stay there. Namjoon carefully pulls you off him while he cups your cheek and tells you that you both should move somewhere more private. You nod and sneak out of the room. Thankfully the party today was at a hotel, one of Seoul’s biggest and Namjoon makes some calls while you’re walking his hands securing you by his side while you make your way out. Namjoon notices how it’s hard for you to match his stride today. Even though the man is 70% legs you usually keep up with him by walking faster or leaping. But today you’re barely able to keep up with his slowest smallest strides. You walk for what feels like an hour but it’s just been two minutes. You’re back at the reception lobby and you see someone guide you and Namjoon to the elevator. The next thing you know you’re in a hotel room.

Namjoon leads you towards the bed once you’re in the room and the door is locked. A few seconds later you hear rustling and you know they’re the guards placed outside the door for security. You sit on the bed your legs finally catching a break from carrying you and the stupid dress around with those stupid heels. You loved wearing heels but not today sis. In your hazy state you try to pull them off only that you forgot to remove the strap first through the small metal buckle. The dress making it a struggle to bend over and reach for the straps. Namjoon sees your struggle and can’t help but let out a small giggle. You look up at him with those doe eyes, confused and there it goes his heart sinks again. He makes way his towards you, leans down on both his knees. He gently takes your right foot into his palm and with the other hand makes quick work to get you out of your heels. Within seconds he was able to accomplish what you were trying so hard to do. And with one of your problems gone, you just fall back onto the plush bed all grace forgotten. Once the head hits the soft cloud-like mattress you let out a sigh of happiness and then a groan. Your feet are still hanging downwards to the floor, your back was on the bed arched so you can rest your head down. But more comfortable than standing or walking right now but you’ll take it. Too tired to move you give up fatigue finally settling in.

“Move up sweetheart you’ll hurt your back” you hear Namjoon say but you have no energy. You don’t even respond sleep already taking over you. Especially now that you were safe, away from those eyes, your parents probably thought you’ll be talking to some guy impressing someone but little did they know you’d be here a few floors above the party with Joon. You don’t know what to call your little arrangement or these little sneaking out sessions are. You don’t know what Namjoon is to you. The two of you haven’t talked about it. It’s weird because you’ve talked about fate, why Namjoon hates seafood and how much you love the rain, the fraud patterns in his business but never about what Namjoon is to you. Not that you need a label, and not that maybe calling him your boyfriend would be a label like that, you’d actually like it. All you know is Namjoon likes you, for sure I mean he wouldn’t be kissing you like a starved man, you shoving your tongue down his throat or else. You know you love him but you don’t know if he loves you yet. It’s too much to ask for. Given the circumstances. You’re just glad you found him. And whatever moments you’ll get to share you’ll cherish them now and forever. You start thinking about all these moments while sleep pulled you in completely and you don’t hear Namjoon call your name again. You don’t hear him trying to wake you up. You don’t feel his hands cupping your cheek. You sure as hell don’t even feel his lips peck yours which is the first time in a while now. You don’t feel him undo some buttons and zips to get you off that dress. You don’t even feel the way he tucks you in.

All you now know is you wake up in a blanket nest. Soft blankets against your cheek, your hands, your legs. You sigh at this feeling smiling to yourself. You’re moving and stretching. Feeling like a new person. You’re fully awake now even though you haven’t opened your eyes and that’s when you hear him

“Can you hear me now sleepy head?” you know he’s only teasing you but you pout before opening your eyes to see him at the other side of the room with an amused smile.

“New person who dis” you reply only making him laugh. Namjoon’s shirtless. He’s wearing his dress pants, his blazer hung at the corner neatly next to your dress. And that’s when you realize you’re wearing his shirt while you napped.

“What time is it” you ask yawning. and when Namjoon says you register you’ve napped for three full hours. He makes his way towards you. He slowly climbs on the bed stretching his arm out for you and you waste no time in jumping to his embrace with your new-found energy. Namjoons smiling at that. He can never get used to how perfectly you fit against him. He’s the one sighing in comfort now. Sometimes Namjoon can’t tell if you know that he loves you or not. The way you make him feel. The way you make him crave your heart.

You peek up from his shoulder to look at him, his eyes never leaving you.

“Hi” you whisper smiling at him

“Hii” he replies back matching your hushed tone dimples on display and you can’t help but poke them. From here you can see how versatile Namjoon is. His expressions outside the usual are deadly. His sharp dragon eyes, jutted jaw, furrowed brows he looks dangerous and lethal. But now all you see is a soft dimpled giant with the cutest button nose and crescent eyes. His eyes hold so much warmth.

He gently cards fingers through your hair asking if your feeling better to which you nod. You reach up to peck his lips. And once you slot your lips onto his plush and soft ones you want more. You move your hand to the back of his head lightly carding your fingers through his hair spurring him on. Namjoon takes this incentive and slots his lips back to yours. You look so damn good in his shirt and now his mind is going crazy. Thoughts racing. He tilts your head so he can angle himself better. Little sucks and swipes of his tongue against your lips and mouth have your knees weak. He knows how to claim his jackpot already knows what makes you react and what you like. One hand reached down to knead your ass. You moan against his mouth breathless as you take him in. Lips swollen, luscious and glossy. Your eyes are unrelenting. And he decided it is at this moment, he has to tell you. He fears the worst will happen. That you’ll say no. And he might never get to see you again. Ever. But the way your body molds in his arms, the way you only always react to him, the way you make his heart always beat faster.

“Y/N I really re-really like you”  there it was. That slight stutter. To Namjoon each second felt like a minute now but your eyes become wide and yoU smile a million-watt smile a second later. His hopes are back up. A warm feeling in his chest. Like a lightbulb inside him was lit. You can see him glowing. Now that the weight of his worries is halved. You cup his cheeks. And he thaws in your affection.

“I like you too Joon” you say voice barely above a whisper. You feel like a teenager confessing to her crush. You cheeks are painted red and Namjoon hasn’t seen a beautiful sight before. And now it’s actually your turn to get something off your chest.

“Heck I might even love you Kim Namjoon what are you doing to me” you say before you can think more and it has Namjoon visibly gasping and he pulls you in for another kiss. This time softer. Truly holding you against him. The way you belong to him. And the way he belongs to you. No more unsaid words. No more doubts.

“fuck baby girl be mine I love you too” he whispers inbetween kisses. You want to say something back but his lips are back on yours, molding them, tongue exploring. Leaving kisses at the corner of your mouth. On your chin. Your jaw. Slowly making its way down to your neck. You’re already so far gone you’re a whiny mess. Your body jolting backwards each time his lips touch the skin on your neck. fuck, you were so sensitive and that had his mind filled with filth. Moans dripping when he sucks and licks so gently. Your hand on his pecs, gripping his biceps or at the nape of his neck. Gentle touches, gets him so riled up and you know it. Moments with you like this lets him break his facade. Dive into his desires.

“So sensitive for me” Namjoon mutters to himself continuing his ministrations. One hand at the back supporting you, holding you strong. Another rubbing circles at your stomach for a few seconds, then holding you by the shoulder the next few seconds or groping your breasts softly making you whimper and suck in breaths.

Only when he slips his hand under his shirt on you does he realize the added warmth to your skin is from your fever reminding him of exhausted state and whatever you have going on will only make it worse if you don’t get to rest. Namjoon feels how flaccid and sunken your tummy feels. Not the way it usually does. He can easily notice all the inches you’ve lost. And suddenly there’s a change of energy.

“Those assholes, fuck princess let me take care of you” he says letting you go. His eyes have already changed. The hurt and anger you could see in them made a shiver run up your spine. You can never get used to his eyes. The anger he is actually capable of. He’s always so kind, gentle and sweet to you but that’s just one side. Within minutes there’s food at your room. Everything that you like is here. Gimbap but with extra cheese. Kimchi-jigae with egg-fried rice rather than normal rice because you like it that way and even some dessert. This man really put in everything he knew about you. You looked at him with so much adoration it only made his face turn red while he looked down and scratched the back of his head. Kim Namjoon was shy right now all dimples and smiling. You giggled and pulled him towards you so the two of you can enjoy this meal. You don’t know when your phone will start blowing up. You don’t know when you’ll have to leave, go away from Joon, his warmth, his comfort and his solace. So you take in this moment with everything it has to offer. Grateful that even the few minutes you spent awake with this man made you feel loved to the extent where you're always at a loss of words.  

Namjoon looked to his side perching his long slender neck to see your face. Your sleeping form was turned away from him, your back facing him. Namjoon woke up this morning at 7am when the light through the curtains no more let him be engulfed in sleep. He scoffed and then smiled his dimple peeking.

He scoffed at the idea that Namjoon was the biggest mafia boss in the country and when he asked you what you wanted for your upcoming anniversary which was tomorrow you requested a stand mixer for your baking needs. He scoffs because you could have asked him anything and he would give it to you. But unlike some few other members of his crew and brothers they had partners demanding jewels and money and property but you wanted a mixer.

It’s been three years since you started dating Namjoon. And your third year anniversary was coming up. For the first he got you takeout from the restaurant you loved at the far end of Seoul as per your request. You roasted coffee beans for him just the way he likes it for him since he loves and depends on coffee on the daily. For the second anniversary he asked you to move in with him and you gladly did and told him that was the best thing ever and that would suffice for the anniversary present and Namjoon got a very very sensual experience for his part of the present that he never dared to ask you but you gave yourself to him gladly and it only made him love you more if that was even possible.

Unlike other mafia bosses Namjoon was blessed to fall in love with you and ask you out on dates before you agreed to be his girlfriend. You felt like the luckiest girl back then finishing your final year of college specialising in financial crimes and now you work for his company which is technically yours since you have a pretty big job of working in reverse and making sure no financial crime gets traced back to Namjoon or his sworn brothers, Bangtan working at BTS. You found a family among them. They’re your family now. Something you didn’t have growing up. Your father a small gang leader abandoning you and your mother leaving you as well to live her own life. You grew up on your own, worked your way to where you are now, graduation top 10% in your university. Namjoon might have a higher IQ but you outsmart him always at work.  Namjoon also knows the humble you. He knows expensive gifts would never impress you and money can’t buy you or make you swoon. You earn your money by working, and you’re already doing a pretty damn good job at that heading the Financial Operations wing at BTS. You are independent. You being you makes Namjoon forget the profession he was born into. He feels like a normal person that shares an apartment with his girlfriend, where they often split bills and work together to make it work. You keep him sane. You keep him grounded.

To think you’d want something like cars or diamonds or money for your anniversary was the reason he scoffed to himself.

When he had asked you what you wanted for the upcoming special day you had simply told him you wanted a stand mixer so you can bake cakes and bread and a list of other things you wanted to bake. You had told him how you found joy in baking when your college roommate’s mom would bake with you and let you in her kitchen to learn during spring breaks. It was such a nice experience for you. The joy of baking. It’s one of the best days of your life. And you had made it your life mission to learn to bake and not want yourself or Namjoon and your future children to miss out on that experience like you had for all those years growing up. Namjoon’s stomach has butterflies and his heart was filled with so much love when he heard you say that.

This meant you were open to the idea of having children someday? His children? Mentioning children and future family would mean that right? If he’s the one you’d consider does this mean he can take the next step with you? Were you at-least open to considering Namjoon being a part of that family that you would bake with now after three years? Namjoon’s eyes were glassy but you didn’t notice. He never had anyone bake for him or do any of the things you’ve done for him. Always taking care of business and crew he only knew to give but never be on the receiving end. Just the thought of starting a new chapter and a new phase if he may call it so? made him tear up. The love he felt overwhelming him.

So right now he smiles at this memory while you’re deep in your slumber. Waking you up before 8am will have consequences and Namjoon doesn’t want that. So he grabs you gently to hold you for a while not before pressing kisses to the top of your head little pecks to your cheeks. Now he’s off the bed showering and his thoughts racing. Should he put a ring inside that stand mixer bowl or should he have a date where he can propose? Should he talk it out with you first though? Should he wait for more hints from you? Marriage was just a construct, a label to Namjoon before but now after he met you he wants to be married to you, he wants you to marry him because he doesn’t see it any other way. The ceremony a celebration of your love, life and togetherness a small party, some good food with his closest crew members. Another experience he wants to experience because of you. He’ll think more about this later. But for now all Namjoon knows is he’s going to go the baking equipment store and buy the whole goddamn place and set it up for you in the spare room below your small penthouse so the two of you can bake tomorrow and eat to your hearts content. 

You huff for what feels like the sixth time and lean yourself back on the couch looking at the ceiling as if it was going to magically give you what you wanted. Namjoon was on the other side of the room working on his mixes as usual. The boys had been back from filming Bon Voyage and he had time to work on tracks, mixes, and whatnot rigorously now. So that was what your boyfriend leader of BTS was onto.

It’s very unsettling when you have such a sentimental heart but a logical brain. Because all you wanted to do was shove his laptop away and cuddle with him while you had the chance but the logical part of you told you to let him be and do his work. PD Namjoon was not to be disturbed else there would be consequences. And you didn’t want to distract him now and let him overburden himself with work later on. So you watch him. Watch as his eyes go wide now and then. Watch his long and slender fingers type away and press different keys and buttons. The sound of his mouse clicking was like white noise. You don’t know when you dozed off on the couch because when you woke up you had your blanket on you, Van tucked in your right arm. Your glasses on the coffee table. You raise your head and peep around the room and don’t see Namjoon in his corner he was working in earlier.

Worried you prop yourself on the elbows and start looking around to find him passed out below on the floor, his hands still on his laptop, programs, and mixers open on his screen, lips parted and eyes closed. You look at your phone and realize it’s almost 5.45am. You slowly get up and move towards Namjoon cautious not to wake him up. Gently you take the laptop away from him and his glasses. You put them away. You place a pillow under his head and cover him with a blanket before taking your place next to him on the floor to continue your sleep. You wake up around 8am when the light in the living room is too much. You slowly get up and close the curtains hoping it would help Namjoon sleep better. You don’t want to wake him up as he was sleeping conveniently on the floor. Plus you know if you wake him up now he’s going to dive right back into work instead of going to the bedroom to sleep.  

You make your way to the kitchen and start brewing coffee. You wash up, brush your teeth and make your way back to Namjoon who was now talking in his sleep. Incoherent words but good enough for you to understand. This was nothing new to you. He kept going on and on about how he’s in a dilemma. The next comeback. The jjajangmyeon he ate the other day. His workouts not being completed. How much he loves you. He was talking about anything and everything. You slowly put your hand on his forehead and start carding your fingers through his hair knowing that it relaxes him but you’re being gentle to not wake him up. It works and Namjoon stirs a little, pulls more of the blanket over him. You pat his head slowly and lull him back to deep sleep. You decide on ordering a proper breakfast once he's up. So you settle for some fruits from the fridge and your coffee.

Namjoon wakes up a few hours later and ends cuddled up next to you nuzzling his face under your chin. His nose touching the skin on your neck and lips occasionally leaving soft kisses. You're also rubbing soothing circles on his sternum to ease his worries from last night's sleep talking. This is your way of letting him know you’re here for him and willing to do anything to help him. And Namjoon lays there inhaling your scent, taking in all the affection and care he can get from you. Soon it’ll be comebacks and promotions which means he has to be away from you, his person, the only one who can truly take care of him. He sits up straight making you halt your touches. “Thank you, babe. I’m alright I feel okay” he assures you placing a kiss on your cheek. He takes your hands into his own to hold them and squeeze them. You give him a broken smile still worried for him. Namjoon is always good at picking these things up quickly. He’s very observant. He can see right through you. He sighs. Your gaze is towards the floor. Your eyes no more on him. You’re clouded with thoughts and he has to reel you out of them. “so you know we had to 6 end of year shows this time, usually we do 8 but we decreased it again and even in that we cancelled 3 so we are only doing 3?” his eyebrows are pushed upwards, a genuine smile spread across his face, dimples peeking out his cheeks. You give him another smile, a meek one but better than the previous one. “I usually just sit in the studio till 5am or something but these days I’m sticking to a timesheet that I made earlier and I end up going home early. I took your advice on organizing tasks and making slots to interact with people so I now have more time on my hands to read or make playlists you know” he says again trying to get you to not worry. This time you smile for real and move forward into his embrace and he hugs you tight mumbling sweet nothings into your ear and promises to take care of himself for you. You’d hate to see him in any sort of pain or even feeling tired or anxious. So he knows how to assure you and you trust him enough that once he tells you he’ll do things he will.

Perhaps there is more to life than sitting on your couch cuddled up under your favorite blanket catching up on Netflix documentaries. Perhaps there is a more exciting and fun life out there. But when you hear the beep of your apartment door lock and see your boyfriend walk inside there is nothing more exciting and comforting than that. There no other joy in this world than seeing Namjoon turn towards you filled with those random little bursts of energy that makes him bounce towards you. Dimples full-on display, hair freshly dried and eyes twinkling at the sight of you.

He dumps his bag by the table and makes his way towards you while you fold your limbs to make some space for him on the couch. “ hi baby” Namjoon greets you wrapping his arms around your frame to pull you closer. You can smell lingering scents of his shampoo and moisturizer. You’ve missed being this close to him so much. You’ve missed him peppering your face with kisses. You’ve missed the way his arms feel around you. You’ve missed the closeness, the affection from the person who was deemed to be probably the least affectionate. But here he is showering you, giving you his all and it’s not even been five minutes since he entered the room.

Your cheeks are painted red which matches the shell of Namjoon’s ears and the tip of his nose which are all shades of warm red. He sits there just smiling at you, still holding you to him the way he longs and yearns and probably makes hundreds of wishes to hold you just like this when he’s away. “Hi Joonie” you finally reply and peck at his plush lips and you probe and thumb at his dimples, his tiny little nose, the edge of his eyes. Tonight he’s all yours and you’ll have your way with him and Namjoon doesn’t want it any other way either. You pull the blanket towards him to cover his exuberant frame as best as you can. Namjoon sighs at the feeling of this blanket and scrunches it in his palm to bring up to his cheek. He still remembers the day the two of you went shopping to buy this. It was the most perfect date ever.

The storekeeper was shocked that the two of you knew so much about the kind of blankets you wanted. With Namjoon it was easy to learn about textures, the fillings inside, the layers and the fabric you wanted. And the perfect souvenir from your trip. A secret trip to Norway which the public is still unaware of. The few days you got Namjoon all to yourself and the days you’ll cherish your whole life. You finish the rest of the evening with some beer, pasta, and candy Namjoon got. There was a movie playing in the background but just for the sake of it. After all the chit chat Namjoon is a little exhausted. With food in his stomach and a good hot shower with you his eyes feel heavy, his body not too sore anymore so you decide to lay in bed next to each other and stay there. You worry about him, the exertion, the way he strives to always do his best, to deliver, to create, to provide, to be there for everyone else. You always wonder if anyone will be able to the same for him at the same capacity.

To Namjoon being the one who would always give, always go the extra mile and take the lead was natural by now. To receive care, love and validation at the same wavelength were possible only because of you and from you. There was no one else that made RM and Kim Namjoon feel safe, whole, cherished and loved at the same time the way you did. You would always give, go that extra mile to see him, to show him you love him, to show him how much you care and support him. And tonight he fell asleep with all this goodness while your hands were playing with hair carding through the dense long silver locks. His face this relaxed it’s been a while since you saw him like this. Lips parted, eyelashes fluttering now and then. Namjoons sleeping form resembles that of a waning moon. Head crooned towards you. Knees pressed together inwards but towards you again. As if it’s out watching over him when he’s this small and curled up. It relaxes you seeing him like this. Puts your worries to rest. So when you close your eyes you’re pulled into a deep slumber as well.

You jolt awake when you feel as if your arm was thrown towards you. It was Namjoon suddenly waking up causing it. You see him sweating, breathing heavily hands on either side of his head mumbling incoherent words. You immediately reach out and hold his wrist to pull his hands away from his face. You slowly move your palm towards his face so you don’t alert him but cup his cheeks to coax his attention a little away from whatever nightmare he had and the aftereffect of it. Once he’s pulled out of it you reach out for the water bottle and turn the dim night lamp on. Just the right amount of light to see each other’s faces. Namjoon has a meek smile on his face as he sips his water. You rub his back, his arm and the back of his neck to ease him a little. This wasn’t new to you. This is something both of you go through. Dreams and nightmares in the middle of the night.

“thank you baby, I love you so much” he rasps out when he reaches for your hips and pulls you closer to him. You’re still awake and running your fingers through his hair. Namjoon knows you want to talk about this. You want him to talk about it or whatever might have caused this. This was just another one of those mundane insecurities turned nightmare situation. But he doesn’t want to make you worry more than you already do. So he settles to tell you something else instead. He tells you about the vlive comment he got about how calm he seems these days. He tells you how he is doing that. The mindfulness practices behind that. The reason he is able to do it now specifically. Something about how the members are doing so well and helping him out with everything. Something about a change in him and the way he reacts to things. It momentarily takes your mind off the thoughts coursing through you. It’s enough for the two of you to fall asleep again.

The next morning you wake up a tangled mess of limbs and blanket. But perfectly warm and close. Namjoon slowly stirs into consciousness with the light beaming through curtains not letting him sleep further. He peeks to his side to see you still deep in your sleep. Stray strands of hair curling and falling on your face gently being blown by the wind coming through the window. You have curled yourself next to him with one of your hands fisting his shirt tightly. Like he’s about to fly off into space if you let go. Namjoon slowly cups your hand and presses a kiss to your forehead.

Perhaps if you’re weren’t there for him last night he wouldn’t be waking up so peacefully. He would have ended up with a panic attack. There is nothing more in life Namjoon wants more than right now, moments like this. Little fleeting moments he gets to spend with you like this morning, last night in between jaded and busy days. Perhaps he could wake you up and you could head out for lunch. Perhaps he could take you on a shopping spree and spoil you to the fullest. Perhaps you could do something better than him pulling you closer so you lay your head on his chest and continue sleeping.

You hear the door open knocking you out of your thoughts. You lift your head up with a smile only to see another customer walk towards the counter. You look at the time and its 5:23 pm. He's 23 minutes late. You start scrolling through your phone again sipping your latte and touching the cup with the americano which you got for a go-to to make sure it's still hot just the way he likes it. You hear the door open and in walk two men, faces covered with black masks, caps and oversized jackets. It takes less than second for you to identify it's Namjoon and Jimin when you look at their eyes while they pause to locate you and then make their way towards you. As much as you want to scream your hello you cannot attract people to you so you jump a little in your seat waving at them and watch as their eyes turn into crescents.

"Joooon" "Chiminieee"

You coo while they sit down, Namjoon takes his spot next to you and Jimin on the other side. Namjoon pulls down his mask a little to place a quick kiss on the top of your head and a very hushed 'hi jagi' as you boop his nose while Jimin greets you properly. Namjoon is still smiling at you gracing you with his dimples, your cheeks fluffed up while you smile back at him when Jimin quickly clicks a picture which makes you move your attention to a now giggling Jimin looking at his phone. Namjoon lowers his head scrunching his face as his ears turn red. You giggle and hold his hand slipping your fingers into his long slender ones and Jimin shows you the cute picture. You did not expect Jimin today but it's always nice when you get to see the boys. It's even rarer for you to see them than Namjoon given their individual schedules and how it's difficult to have all seven under the same roof unless it's their schedule or when they're having quality BTS time or sleeping sometimes resting. Jimin has a very calm aura that you love and his voice soothing even as he talks about the most usual and mundane things it puts you at ease and always welcomes conversations.

You got another latte and a sandwich to-go. When you were back to your chair you found the two of them talking about their next schedule which was in 40 minutes. You look at Namjoon as he nods to you stating he has to leave soon and mumbles something about how hectic it is these days and how the staff adding extra things aren't helping. You can sense the worry, the anxiousness, and frustration coming from him. You worry about him. All the time. Jimin makes a call to his mom and excuses himself by turning a little away from you and Namjoon.

You take his hand again and squeeze it between your other hand in a reassuring way while he unloads his little worries as he talks to you and sips his coffee. His phones keep buzzing and you wonder how he manages it all. And spending time with you like this. Being South Korea's most celebrated and loved idols comes with a price. Even twenty-something minutes you get today with him is a luxury. Seeing Jimin is a bonus. You are glad Namjoon is the smartest cookie when he texts you the address of this cafe so he could meet you here between his shoots today as his turn is at the end he had a few minutes to kill and the area is on his way to the next one but also not in the most happening of streets of Seoul just made it easier. Little coffee sips, few seconds of holding hands is all you get for now but you are more than happy to meet him at any cafe, even if it means you have to rush within a time window so you can see the man you love and adore for a few minutes. You quickly dig through your bag and hand him the little watercolor bookmarks you made over the weekend. He takes them smiling wide and saying a little thank you while he leans down to kiss you on your cheek. His phone starts to ring not even allowing you to blush or soak in all his affection, the sound alerting him that it was time for him and Jimin to leave. You frown as he pulls his mask back up again hiding most of his face. And you notice how tired and dry his eyes actually look. His hair carefully tucked into the cap, his posture a little bent from all the physical strain. Jimin turns quickly at the call of his name from his leader and they both wave to you making their way out of the cafe. Once again you want to move from your chair and follow them till the door but you know the drill, you can't have people see you or garner even the slightest flick of attention so you lightly stomp your feet back to the ground and decide to gather your things and leave. It was only when you were fishing for your phone from the table did you notice a small box with a sticky note and your name written on it in Joon's handwriting. It always the little things, the texts you get from him, the pictures, the gifts, books, dried leaves from a random street which he thought looked pretty or makeup he saw with his makeup artist and he bought the same to give it to you. It's always so little, the time you get to spend together, hushed ‘I love you’, the things you get to do as a couple and he is painfully aware of that too. That's why he leaves little things for you when you see him each time, little reminders of how much you actually mean to him. The way he always thinks about utilizing time in between schedules, calculating time, finding streets intercepting and finding out cafes to meet you so he could see you and give these little reminders is endearing. The fact that he still thinks about you with his other worries and makes time to see you while he could nap through his commute like today or reach early and rest makes your heart do little flips. And this why you’ll always love, adore and cherish Namjoon. For all these little things and more.