Here lies the Abyss

I’m sorry. 

Fucking rude. It’s a nice chest.

Oh my God. Can I go buy you some? 

... I feel slightly offended by that. Are you saying my chest is offensive to the eyes? Rude.

If I could’ve had a script, I’d prefer it. I like to know what’s going to happen, as I’m a person that plans more or less everything. However, I know that’s not something I can require from life, so improv is the way to go. Well, you do seem less creepy now than you did at first glance, so it’s going your direction I guess. So being pretty is the real reason you have friends, is what you’re saying, or..?

Booooring. When you’ve got absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, what happened before or even what’s happening right now, that’s when life gets fun. Or at least that’ my theory for why I’m so happy and so many people are downers. Hey, that’s progress! Most people usually downgrade me from creepy when they find out I’m harmless. Of course. And I don’t blame them for that at all.

“Oh–I’m sorry. I’m sure you can easily find someone else to kiss, though. Okay–I have to ask. Are you high right now?”

“Probably, but that’s not changing the heartbreak here. Nope. Not even a little. I don’t even drink. This is all one hundred percent natural, untainted Evan. Scary, huh?”

“I don’t know about that. Yes, I’m sure! I work at an animal shelter. They’re very much real.”

“Oh come on. You’re breaking my heart here. How can you be sure? They could be all in your head. We could all be in your head. Or a long drawn our dream. Or, and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, this is the Matrix.”

“I doubt I’m ever going to need your lips. No–of course not! I mean animals. Cats, dogs, rodents, reptiles–the occasional tarantula or two.”

“But you might want them. Are you sure they aren’t imaginary animal friends?”

“Well I don’t do that, and I make wonderful friendships just fine. Albeit most of those I consider friends aren’t actually people, but that’s beside the point.”

“You don’t have to. My lips will just stay over here if you decide you need them. Are we talking imaginary friends? Because they’re people too.”

True. And obviously no script, so we never know what’s coming. Oh yes, forgot the lovable part. I was too focused thinking “creepy”, as that was what your stare was in the first place. Everyone wants to be your friend? Sounds exhausting to be that popular.

Who needs a script? Boring. Improv is so much more fun. And this is the only way I wouldn’t get in trouble for going off script. People forget the lovable part all the time and I don’t understand it. But now that we’ve formed this bond, maybe we can talk it down from creepy to... peculiar. That’s a much nicer word. Oh, it is. I don’t know how I manage it. It’s the curse of being pretty.

“Is that right? I’ve never heard that one before.”

“I kiss attractive men I’ve just met all the time and it always turns out well. Well... not always. But I still make wonderful friendships.”

“Kissing attractive men that I’ve just met, yes.”

“But that’s the most fun part. And a great way to solidify friendships.”

Ah, because life’s a sitcom we’re all living. And I’m the straight man in it, while you’re the eccentric starer who delivers the punch line. Right yes, I could sense that you were a friend making master. So those slaps that you mentioned, did they turn into friendships too?

Just without the laugh track so we don’t always know when something’s funny. Eccentric but lovable starer, thank you very much. I am. Everyone thinks I’m adorable and they want to be my friend no matter how weird I am. Of course. They were slaps of love.

“It would be against everything I’m about.”

“Kissing attractive men?”

“–I don’t really know. My dignity?”

“I’m not sure what this and that have to do with each other.”

“Not sure if that’s today, though.”

“What have you got to lose?”

“I’m not the type of girl to just go around kissing people I just met, you see.”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

“Yeah, I uh–I’m pretty sure.”

“Fine, fine, your loss.”

“Well–that’s great. I’m sure you are.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to test me? Make sure I’m telling you the truth? I do have a tendency to lie, so you won’t know for sure without proper testing.”