Ask A Gay

British theatre and film legend Ian McKellen was in India recently to inaugurate the Kashish Mumbai International Queer Film Festival 2016, among other things.

During this conversation with Parmesh Shahani of Godrej India Culture Lab, he had quite a few lovely things to say about being gay, fighting for gay rights and coming out.

On fighting for gay rights: 

On politicians and LGBT+ rights:

On the importance of being out:

On the label “gay”:

His advice to twenty-something LGBT+ people: 

Wearing a chest binder: It’s a love-hate relationship. 

For most parents, adjusting to a transgender child is like going through the stages of grief

This was the most important thing that my mum was ever told by our caseworkers at Tavistock and Portman; it helped her finally come to terms with it, and it was a huge eye-opener for me. Up until that stage, I had been selfish in my determination to start transitioning; I bombshelled my mum with the news on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, right before dinner. But I’d already been through the past two years trying to force my parents into acceptance as so many transgender and gender-variant people do. The bombshell just set things moving a little faster, It didn’t make anything easier. I refused to be sympathetic to the fact that my mum had just discovered the child she raised as a girl was actually not a girl at all.  There are seven stages of grief, and there are seven stages of parents reaching acceptance. Each stage is just as hard for the child as the parent and vise versa; so here is a guide of each stage made from a combination of primary and secondary experience- and the how to and how-not-to of handling each reaction. And before I begin: everyone is different, and some people will work through these stages in a different order. You need to know how to recognise them and how to cope. 

Shock And Denial

A paralysis. A complete and utter shut-down. In this stage, your parent/carer/guardian- whoever it is you’re coming out to (I had this experience with my school Pastoral and Sensory Support worker)- just, sort of, closes up. It’s like their brain throws up a wall as it tries to perform acrobatics to wrap itself around this truly outrageous idea. My sarcasm is heavy here, but I usually like to say: “be sympathetic, however hard it is.”- after all, remember that your parents grew up in an entirely different generation, for the most part (some young parents may take it better, but things have changed so rapidly over the last twenty years). They come from a time when hanging out the washing on sunday was cause for neighbourhood scandal. I reckon in the light of this, you can grant a little leeway of patience. Frustrating though it may be, keep in mind that as memebers of a young, internet generation we have access to far more information than them. They only have wider media, which we all known can often be inaccurate.

Once they have begun to digest the information, however

Anger and Bargaining

will follow. I’ll adress the bargaining first, because this is usually the most trying. This isn’t bargaining like “I’ll take you to disneyworld if you stop being Trans”; it’s more like “Please let this be a phase, universe; give me my child back”. A sense of alienation can happen. This is what leads onto the anger, the huge rush of emotion after the initial shock. Often, the anger is internal; all you see on the surface is constant irritation and a short fuse when it comes to talking about transitioning.

Whatever you do, don’t fight fire with fire. It’s tempting to shout back, but that sometimes affirms the idea in some people’s heads that this whole “trans thing” is “teenage hormones” or some sort of existential crisis or a mental breakdown. Try and deal with it calmly; find YouTubers who explain things better, and more calmly, than you can; make sure you know the medical evidence as well as psychological and personal; deal with this logically.

Rejection

This is a funny step, because sometimes it doesn’t happen, or it comes first. Usually though, it’s part of the anger if the anger is unresolved. Sometimes, this is where disownal happens- and that is never your fault. Some parents simply cannot accept it. Most do though.

Rejection can come in all sorts of ways. For me, it was a refusal to talk about it or understand. For an aqquaintance of mine, the parents were determined to find other reasons for gender dysphoria. Whatever you do, please, please DO NOT RECITE SCARE TACTICS. The worst thing you could tell a parent is “This percentage of trans youth commit suicide when not allowed to be themselves”; that’s like telling a parent who still loves you as their own that they’re accidentally torturing you to death. That just hurts your parent and makes them want to close up. But worse than that, is the snide “Well, this is what happened to this trans girl called Leelah…”- No shit, I’ve heard people use this. Don’t. That is just a violation of her memory; it’s low, spiteful, and achieves nothing. Just wait patiently, like you did through the shock stage, and handle it the same way you should handle the Anger.

Distancing

comes next. This is the healthy part; the part where the air is cleared and your parents step back and go “Okay- this is what the situation is. Maybe we ought to deal with it”. Don’t push them; there is no rushing this bit.

The Upwards Turn/ Acceptance and Understanding

These two come bundled together usually. Your parents might start to ask questions here, and if those questions are awkwardly phrased or full of ignorant terminology now is the time to correct and inform. Cook a meal, take them out for coffee, dinner, whatever you’re able to do; just do something nice, and civil, and take a breather. Having conversation that has nothing to do with “LGBTQIA+” or “Pride” or “Transitioning” can work absolute wonders. Wait until you’re back on stable ground before starting to talk about future plans.

Hope and Future

I think this one speaks for itself. Here is where you broach the topics of transition, medical intervention, hormone therapy, binding, tucking, name changes and all the wonderful things that need to be done.

Lee says:

Yes, non-binary people can bind and medically transition if they want to, and that includes genderfluid people! There are some people who take it upon themselves to unnecessarily gatekeep other’s identities, and you should just block them if they send you hate for wanting to transition.

Binding FAQ

Top surgery

Also, genderfluid people are trans people! Transgender is an umbrella term that is inclusive of, but not limited to (nor forced upon), trans women, trans men, non-binary people, agender people, genderfluid people, genderqueer people, neutrois people, androgyne people, pre/post/non op people, and many more.

Trans 101 / Trans 101 Youtube videos / More trans 101

Understanding Transgender: Why are people transgender?

Genderqueer/Nonbinary 101

I’m a transgender woman, and this is what it’s like.

What does it mean to be transgender?

Transgender FAQ

Think you’ve got “trans” down, but still feel confused about “non-binary”?

PFLAG’s guide to being a trans ally

Basic questions about trans people, answered

10 myths about nonbinary people that it’s time to unlearn

Too Queer for Your Binary: Everything You Need to Know and More About Non-Binary Identities

“Medical and policy leaders have noted the need for a fundamental change in approach. United Nations human rights experts; the World Health Organization (WHO); Amnesty International; Physicians for Human Rights; every major lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender legal organization in the US; the American Medical Association Board of Trustees in 2016; three former US surgeons general in 2017, two US pediatrics associations later that year; and intersex-led organizations around the world have called for an end to medically unnecessary non-consensual surgeries on intersex kids. Many providers who care for intersex children have become increasingly uncomfortable with the current paradigm, but there remains a lack of clear, centralized standards of care for intersex patients." 

Asexuales en América en un cliente Discord dirigido a personas del espectro asexual en este continente, con canales para cada país. 

Discord es un servicio que permite crear chats multiplataformas de forma gratuita y se puede acceder a él desde el navegador, descargando el programa o a través de la aplicación móvil (disponible para Android e iOS).