I Love to W(h)ine...

all right everyone, I know that i haven'nt been here in a while, but ya know what? I've been fucking busy. i mean, working my ass off at the country club and then taking five classes on top of 25-30 hour work weeks at my job? I seriously haven't had a good sleep in a ahilw and after my last final, i slept just as well as Casey Anthony after she killed her kid (no crying, no waking up, just an empty house kinda like her decrepit soul because we all know she is White OJ. She fucking did it).

So lemme catch you up on my life: yes, i still drink wine. but i go to a place called miller's ale house and everyone who works there knows me because, duh, i hate my fucking life and i use the alcohol there to cope with my life (plus, they got good calamari. and there's a good looking chick, one can light up the sun with the amount of fee-- fuck it. anyway, i like miller's). they all know me for my random drinks, because i don't just love wine. gin! vodka! whiskey! gimmea harvey wallbanger, follwowed by a Manhattan on the rocks, and then for dessert i will have a vodka cranberry double with extra lime. They are so cool, like Ashley the Bartender knew me from before i started drinking there (i used to order to-go foods and she just knew i was alwaya the ossobucco). now she knows me as the guy who asks for drinks no one under 40 has ever heard of. like seriously, a harvey wel banger? Harvey Wallbanger is a delicious little treat...

At work, Carl is dope as fuck but lemme tel ya: mickhael can suck a fucking dick. i just hate him. like seriously, he went from doing everything to just walking around and being a little prissy bitch whenever he doesn't get tipped. plus, the members of the sistting room callhim a try-hard lolololllololololol like i see him and his persona towards the members looks so goddamn fake, like he doesn'y care. He really doesn't!!!

I'm watching beetlejuice right now, so let's just shhhhhhhhh

all right so i'm four glasses in but i just wanan drunk vent on this idiot coworker of mine who is just so fucking lazy-- when he tells me to "pick up your shit at table one", lemme tell ya something buddy:

i am taking care of three four tops right now, at the peak of dinner time. they all want their fucking food. and the fact that I am taking their dinner/drink orders, while you - a person whose job is to BUS TABLES - tells me to "pick up my shit"... calm your fucking tits, buddy-- i am so drunken raged over this sack of crap, lemme tell ya! if i had the option of tipping him out or drowning a kitten, i'd drown three kittens! and he complains "awwww, i ain't doing anything because none of y'all give me portion of your tips", well buddy i tip them out when they deserve it (chanel if your reading this, remeber when I tipped you out with $5 every time? love and miss you, boo).

but the fact that you walk around aimlessly with your thumb up your ass only being told when the food and beverage director is telling you do to shit, you. can. suck. a. major. dick.

AND WE ALL SEE YOU FLIRTING WITH EVERY WOMAN, YOU DUMB FUCK, YOU IHT ON ONE CHICK AND SHE DENIED YOU AND NOW SHE'S GONE AND NOW YOU'RE HITTING ON ANOTHER-- YOU SUCK.

someon give this fucker a helmet, a bulletproof vest, and a JOCKSTRAP made out of iron becayse i'm gonna put a bullet to his head, stab his fucking back, and do a Fred Astaire-induced tap dance over his balls...

but hey, friends, i am the subject of gossip between the mahjong ladies. So Mr. & Mrs. (lets call them... Oradaps), Mr. and Mrs. Oradops always have me on wednesdays, and Mrs. (let's call them... R) have noticed that i always have them. So she confronted me and there was this cphone call where Mrs. r called Mrs. Oradaps and they were all "you get the good servers, what should we do because i'm tired of some of these people"-- and now they confronted th receptionist and director and now i serve two tables every wednesday. Y'all, I started an east side/west side argument between women of mahjong. and i love it.

but FUCK YOU, coworoerk. these members like me-- they literally FOUGHT over me... i think they think i'm gay. but tha's okay, Booby D and Kevin P call me their pacific islander. someone google Tattoo from Fantasy Island, they call me their personal tattooo... i love those dudes, even the pervy uncle-acting one. he likes my coarse humor.

All right so I haven't done this in a while (sorry three followers) but I think I have gotten the hang of typing and being somewhat inebriated... I'm kinda drunk, had three-fourths of a bottle of wine, and I am in my apartment watching How to Be Single. This movie makes me realize that I haven't had sex in a while...

I bought a lot of stupid shit though, I mean I bought an iPhone wallet case, a couple of movies, I almost bought a srx toy for my friend because she told me her boyfriend isn't giving it to her like they used to... Allison, if you're reading this, I genuinely cancelled an order because it costed $59.95 on Adam and Eve. I'm sorry your man of 1.5 years isn't going at it for ya.

I'm drinking this cool pinot noir (pinottttttttttttttttt noirrrrrrrrrrrrrr)... My job is doing okay, a lot of the members like me. Mr. De Whatever (I can't spell his fucking name) loves how racial I am, he called me his P.I. (Pacific-Islander), and I just stand there saying Japanese car models because he thought I was speaking asian and Dr. B was all "Bob, you know he's just saying Toyota car models, right?!" and Mr. De Whatever was all "oh shit, I drank too muchtoo early!" and we laughed like mofos. Kathrn is dope, SHE GOT ACCEPYED INTO GRAD SCHOOL!@!! I hate to see her go but i love to watch her leave (ahe has such beautiful hair if I could I would make it a law that if you habe pretty hair then let it flow... she is likethat tangled chick from Tangled). Carl's dope, if he and i go to bar he ain't buying a single drink because he's cool as fuck (envy him, bitches!)...

I erealize I have spent an hour typin this shit up, and I realize that I have drunk in this hour time span so you can clearly see I hcve dranka little bit.

This Hoe to be Sinle movie is good-- i haven't had sex in such a long time, i mean im okay with it but i go friends who talk about their sexcapades and i'm all "damn, good for you" and some of them are women, equality!!!!!! If you'e a woman who loves to get some, by all means, go for it! your body your rules, you are not a whore!!! Why do men sleep ariound and be praised and women be all "ohh, she a how!", fuck that shit!!! She loves sex. let her ave sex, nothing wrong with it... now that robert osbourne died i wanna auditon forb turner classic movies. "Hi, i;'m gary lorenzo, tonight's viewing is a classic: a 2008 film, starring Meryl Strep, MAMMA MIA!... ".imma fuck tcm raw if i got that job. my spring break is coming up, so i am just exiced because i will be drinking and watching movies before two straigh days of work. I work at a country club did you know that?!?!?! i served the mother of this reall cute chick i met once, she probably thinks i'm weird as fuck but drnuk gary speaks iwth good intentions... but she is beautiful i love y friends, espeically my female ones. female firiends?!!!?! you're all gorgeous, remember that! don't even let anyoen tell you you're ugly, because theyre fucking idiots who re FUCKING idiots (because they never gonna get that golden hoochie coochie momma that is (insert your fucking name here gary's female friend). but yeah, i was all "holy fuck you're so and so's mom!" and she all "yes" like damn i see where she gets her good looks because her mma 9.5 but she has lage forehead. thats okay though she as pretty eyes i love a omwna with good eyes... i love eyes so much more than tits or ass.

whats so boss about tits and asss? i love a woman with piercing eyes that could just take a stab inbto youre soul... i can tink of thee women with really pretty eyes, but one of them is just a bitch.......

All right you guys so i had a long day at work... the fucking kitchen fucked up egg drop soup! there's like, tomatoes and chicken and corn--we got this member at hes a full blown asian and he was so upset when i served him his soup, he goes "what teh fuck is this?!" and i told him "yeah, that's why i tried to get you to go for the clam chowder!!!"... but he goes "well i took ya for granted i ''l try it anyway" and he had one slurp of his soup and he just gave up...

It's 7am and honestly I slept at 3am so I'm still kind of buzzed... shouldn't not have had four gin & tonic doubles. And two glasses of wine at home. The only problem is that I have work at 8am. So I have to look/feel/act somewhat presentable... The last time I came to work hungover, I dozed off as I was getting a drink order and someone watched me pour water into an overflowing glass. That was pretty pathetic.

So im sitting here in my apartmen at 2:56m... I came home from miller's alehouse with four gin and tonic doubles, and I am just completely oblitereated. I'm scared because school starts tbhis monday, and i am financial fucked in he head. But I just wana let you gys knows that I am okay. I'm at my aprtment finishing a botle of meritage, whch suchs because I had four gin and tonic doubles and miller's.

I dont know wjat to talk about so I am going to just mentoon donald trump... You guys, Donald tump is fucking crazy. I got a Cnn updte on my phone saying hes asking congress to pay for the wall (yeah that fcukin wall).... Like, I love Meixico, whr the fuk would he close the border and build that wall? I think thats a huge insult to everybodu!!!! don't build th wall, trump, that's just a fick ting for you do. I had a crush on a hispanic, don't fucking build awall!!!!@@@!

At work ,I had to dwal with a bitch couple. dont tell me i didnnt give you water with lemon at a dinner shift, because that shit is just annoying. I gAVE YOU lemons and this bitcj was all "I wanted lemon wth my water",,, BITCH. LOOK AR THE PLAT OF LEMONS I GAVE YOU... FUCK YOU.

Now thatI look at my coworkers and their schedules, i just wanna say i miss al ot of my coworkers. KD, I juwa wanna say your college at one of the carolines is great, because i love ya like my lil sister. Kkd you look so much like your parents like you have your dads hair but yourr moms smile and eyes... its adorable let your parents know they treated you well, i wsich tou the avoluste bes. AAB you're the hottet and oolest barytender i have ever met and i know you're the best at english. Honey, if I ever decided to return to an englsh major i'm ging back to you for help lololool. KR you're in a soritiy abd i know peole joke about soririties but swwet heart, you're gorgeous and i hope you nd your man are adorable and stay toggether for a while... you remeber when i bought you tha wine stopper?!?!?! KR youre such a doll, and you have such a swert personaliy which is why i send ya text hopih your okay and a tah t shit and i am glad you enjoyed your ramily for chtristmas but i missd ya! i know it aeems like i am a perv but ih hope for the best for you, i knwo you're the best. KD and AAB nand KR are hee greeatest hottest collest coworkers ever... not some fuking bitch i xpent time on dates and flowers, onoy to go for some fucking asshole who probably still lives with his parents and probably DEALS DRUGS TO FUCKING PEOPL... predjucie much mother fucker-- naaaaaa i saw him deal......... look i mean i live in an apartment and have a ar, this vunt decided a drig dealing bith whos baby mama's daughter has the same naem as her is betterbthan me... FUCK tou, lady, and just know i havent seen you in the eyws since october bcaause just oookin at you makes me wnna drown a bunch of orphans and puppies... yeah, she a bitch. I asked her "yopu have a thing for him, on't you,?" and she goes" well kinda"... fuck yo, lady... i wastedm y time, yu cock teasing bith lolololi i hope your career fails like steve harvey and mis universe...

So y'all are telling me Carrie Fisher's mom died of a fucking broken heart omfg don't give me that "died from a stroke" bullshit, TMZ, we all know losing a child sucks more dick than a kardashian love is real and Grandma Cromwell died of a ducking broken heart thoughts go out to her family but dayum I'm sitting here crying more than when I'm drunk watching Grey's Anatomy and a key player just died because Shonda Rhimes is the 2016 of Television killing fucking everybody we love We need to save Betty White Julie Andrews and the Star Wats cast because I want a Golden Hirls reunion with the rest of the cast as force ghosts and MAry Poppins is my homie and we can't kill off Harrison ford twice that fucker has been through so much like nazis and space pirates and terrorists Harrison ford just needs a damn break I'm just sad 2016 if 2016 gonna fuck me next time can it at least warn me so I can lube up?! Like damn, why you gotta be so damn rude to us? Is this what we get for making Trump president?! HOLY SHIT what if all of the celebrities who died in 2016 actually faked their deaths because they didn't wanna be around if/when Trump wins... like David Bowie "died" early he knew that shit was flinging from the start and as shit got more realer the celebrities are like OH FUCK NO and they're all faking death and living in some country that only rich people know about (call it Svenborgia? Grenyarnia? They sound like rich AF countries). You guys all our dead 2016 celebs are actually living in a rich people only country to save themselves from trump. Holla. But RIP Grandma Cromwell and daughter. This shit hurts

Can I just say that before we start rambling on about whatever shit i talk about, i have spent quite some time making sure that I devliver as few typos as possible? If you have ever seen an elderly person given an iPhone and forced to type a message to their granddaughter saying how much they love her, I am typing at this pace,,, then again, I see a couple of red lines that instigate (am i even using that fucking word right?) my small typos, but who gives a shit! It's my blog, if I wanted to type up a long-ass-hell paragraph about how much I want to tell my lazy as hell coworker that you shouldn't start something you won't finish, i'll type it because the most he does is tell some hostess who he wants to serve because he knows he'll get tips (and he's kinda a shithead, he can't make a capppuccino or remember the menu lolol)...

But okay, firs of all I hope everyone's christmas was great. mine was awesome, sister's in town and we opened gifts and we wore onesies that look like chewbacca and Yoda. and can you imagine how much wine I had (I will give you a hint: none). yeah, I didn't really drink a lot in the daytime becuse I had six martinis last night at miller's ale house. My hangover had my head pounding more than my heart whenever I see any of my good looking corowkers (and by the way, if a cart girl is reading this who will go back to college in january up in the more northern states, i am sorry if it seems like I've been hitting on all your friends. Jesus, I need to learn to shut up. Like, remember when I told Em G that I told her we should "bang"??? I meant "hang", but I want you fols to look at your keyboard and see how fucking CLOSE(!) the B is to the H... Like, come the fuck on.). But hold on I forgot where I was going lemme reread wtf I said................................. Yeah, I had a hangover christmasday but I still made it home at 8am only to sleep some more and wake up at 4pm. But I bought a bottle of cCaymsu the other day!

it cost like $70! The reason I bought a bottle of Caymus is that it' Christmas ans all of the members at the country club are drinking it, so I bought it.

But okay, I dunno this has been a boring day... no it wasn't , Carrie Fisher died. Carrie, Princess Leila, Fisher died today... I was ith my best friend of seven years at miller's ale house and I almost cried. I literaly almost cried. She is boss. RIP Carrie, i love you.

(Sober Gary Speaking): This would be a typical night when I visit my family and my sister is in town. My family and I live on the same street, so what you see is common.

okay you guys so lats night i went to a hooka bar with some friends fro her 19h birthday and i pre-games bhy taking two shots of tequila from another one of the beach bars and holy shit there ws a fucking bear and i personally shit myself. I was all what the fuck because theres a bear in a bar, it’s basically a bear bar. I named him bb because bear bar is short for bb. like bb8 from stsr wars (but fuck that, r2-d2 ALWAYS wins)

speaking of fucing star wars i M KIND pissed taht my friends wrnt to atch rogue one without me, like who the uck do tou guys think you are?! but whatever becayse i work all the time now so i am just like ‘okay jope you enjoyed’ but inside i’m all “fuuuuuuuuuuck…..”

i feel like ccarried bradshw from sex and the city right now i am just staring a my screen talking abouyt my life

but at the party i never reaizr how pretty my fiends and her friends are, i mean eM G is so fucking adorbs and i told her staight up “go fsu@@@@@@ fsu!!!! whoooooo” i wannas party with her because you can swin in a funtain or shit, and i bet i cant take more alcohol than hr but my kinda parties are just likd wine and cheese and wine and stuff just all pinky up kinda shit. projet x is a party i couldnt go to (like helloooooooo, date rap?) and that novie fucked me up…

but kudos to the beautfivul woman i met at that party! you guys usc is were ist at i gogta go to usc! she has a nice name but it’s spelled differnty so ooh laa laa its unique! and laso i can’t namedrop people becase i think my blog is kinda getting followers like athats cool and all but i don’t wanna accidentally say so and so is a cuny… but the good loioking woman she is cool if she reading this she know who she is! pretty brown eyes killer smile and a busines major (ooh, smart and fine, hollah!) i’d right swipe and tke her to a nice hot meal and i’d tip da waiter good becaise he or she witnessed a good lookng woman right there (yeah boiiiiii)

also i wanan bring it up; go to a sex shop. i wrnt with friends and i saw a monstar king kong black dildo, we tried tinglecream on our lips thats lasts ten monutes (thirt minuts on the nips and an hoir on your clit, it’s like 25 dolars for hat shit)… bacon lube sucks but the desseert ones are good (tiramisu dat ass for me).