nothing is more defeating than losing someone's benefit of the doubt. like loosing a friend hurts- someone hating you over a disagreement or not making time for you bc of scheduling or other priorities still hurts, but it makes sense. like we see how we got there, and then our relationship changed. but someone suddenly and dismissively interpreting everything you say and do in a negative, ignorant or opposing light is just ??? I don't know how we got here. I didn't think our values had changed. I'm making the same jokes we always have- that you still do? why are you not curious anymore? why don't you want to understand me? why am I suddenly not worthy of that to you?

I've been having trauma come back up with some fierce vengeance recently that seems to want to sweep in and strike this paralysing debilitating bolt through my body for a few moments. Memories rushing in- minds eye forced wide open like those ocular contraptions they use for eye surgery you have no choice but to be awake for.