it ain't me

Friendly:

“You look a little lost. Do you need directions?” “That’s an awesome outfit.” “How’s the chicken? I can’t decide whether to order it or not.” “Excuse me, I think you dropped this.” “I don’t know a single person here…”

Flirty:

“Wow, I’ve never seen an angel before…” “You’re the hottest person in this place.” “I saw that. You just checked me out.” “Hey, can I get your number?” *wolf whistle*

Confrontational:

“You’re in my seat.” “What are you staring at?” “You just stepped on my toe!” “Who do you think you are?” “Keep it down, will you?”

Dramatic:

PART. 2 [TRIGGER WARNINGS AHEAD]

When did you start to care? 

I’ve dreamt about your death; put money in a collection box and prayed for it; blew out my birthday candles, wished for it. If it actually ever happened, I’m not sure I’d feel relief or guilt.

What if I don’t want to change?

Don’t what? 

You’re a fucking pussy. 

You look like a baby rabbit when you sleep.

You’re getting careless. Don’t.

I just assumed we’d eventually decide how to move together like normal couples do.

But there never was a ‘we’.

People fuck up, that’s life.

Family is supposed to be forever. They’re supposed to take care of you, regardless of what you do. 

Please don’t be the guy that lies. 

I have red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. No need for any more character. 

I need at least one person in this family to not turn cynical and my money’s been on you. 

Anyone who’s been married knows that sex is downhill from there. 

Big toe is throbbing like blueballs that no blowjob can ever fix. 

She’s a skanky, manipulative bitch and you should unfriend her. 

The porn at my desk isn’t really porn. It was pictures of penises, but it was from a circumsision website. 

I’ve seen crazy and I’ve seen bad for kids. You aren’t either of those things.

Don’t forget to check for hair behind the grill. 

I realize you’ve had sketchy parental role models, but can we agree that offing people is not cool? 

That turned me off, periscope down. 

I want normal people problems. 

When you tried to get me to be intimate with three of your friends, it made me feel sad. 

So, thanks to me, you’ve been pistol whipped and shot in the ass. 

Alcohol is a gift.

All I’m gonna be thinking about when you choke me out is how much I love you. 

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard you say that, I’d have one dime. 

I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just genetic. 

I know you think you’re helping, but as someone who has been in and out of the system care my entire life, I can tell you it’s a nightmare. 

I wasn’t sure I’d see you again. 

Nobody fucks with the [insert last name]

You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. 

We could always adopt.

Girls take that hero stuff straight to the bank. 

The whole ‘my dad is gay for your brother’ thing has thrown me outta loop. 

Giving or receiving? 

Doing things you don’t wanna do is how you make a relationship work. 

I know school was never your thing, but you’ve never been dumb. 

Asking him to pick me over them is asking me to change the thing I love most about him. 

She is a crazy bitch and not crazy bitch like you’re a crazy bitch. 

She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I asked for more broccoli. 

Kick ass, take names.. and don’t blow anyone. 

When you’re poor, the only way to make money is to scam it or steal it. 

You get along a lot better with a weapon and a kind word, than a kind word alone. 

If I don’t invest in myself, no one else will. 

My baby was stolen by my mom and her developmentally delayed boyfriend. 

He’s not my boyfriend. 

It smells worse than a dead hooker’s ass in there. 

I’m not going to let you throw him out like used Kleenex. 

She’s fragile.

She’s broken. 

I don’t wanna be me anymore. 

An accident? Where his penis just slipped into your vagina? 

You gotta get me out of this car, I’m getting too horned up. 

I’m sorry, but now I gotta go pick up my wife’s boyfriend. 

Sometimes it’s not worth holding out. Life’s too short, why not just give in? 

Why would anyone go to the zoo sober? 

I’d trade my left nut for one more hour of sleep. 

Your mother was a real cunt. 

Circle doesn’t start with an S? What the fuck? 

Sometimes when I see the word hospice on the street, I pronounce it ho-spice. 

You’re lucky your moms dead. 

I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk. 

My testicles have never been my ally. 

Go fuck yourself. 

Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended. 

I’m sick of living in your shadow. 

I never thought I’d say this, but you were right. 

She said she had some personal business. I change her diaper, what’s more personal than that? 

How can you be so cold about this? 

Just for the record, a lot of great men have been well-lubricated. 

I’m not the reason your life is a piece of crap.

Your coochie smells like brimestone and Sulfur. 

One of my unspoken rules is you don’t fuck someone else when we’re on a date. 

You married a drug lord’s daughter to hang on to your ear? 

I don’t take bribes. 

Honey, you’re an alcoholic. 

Where can I get knives and blunts? 

You can’t control what goes on in the world. You can just choose to be a part of it everyday. 

Where I come from, it’s an honour to share your man. 

I’m gonna beat your ass like a pinata until candy falls out! 

You don’t love me.

You’re kinda growing on me. 

Dead people poop themselves. 

Where’s the money? 

It doesn’t make you a kept woman, it makes you a smart one. 

I’ll keep that in mind when I’m feeding my family dog food this winter. 

I can’t share a room with someone in constant state of arousal! 

Look at me. I can’t go to jail, I might as well wear heels. 

I’m gay. 

You just made my boy parts get bigger. 

Not to be a dick or anything, but you have been kind of a whore. 

Eat my ass!

Wanna see me make a mangina? 

You fucked my brother. 

Whores don’t get cars. 

I wouldn’t exactly call it an orgy, but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around. 

You wish you had a dick as big as mine! 

Are you gonna put those in my ass? 

If you do this for me, I will dress up any way you want. No safety word. 

I was raised by a pack of wolves. 

I certainly hope you’re not pooping in there. It’s a closet. 

Can I get you something? Milk? Soda? A joint? It’s medicinal. 

Like you in the sack, make it quick. 

Did you purposely order a Sex on the Beach so I’d say it to the gay bartender? 

No. No way. I can’t handle anything in my ass without alcohol. 

The beard gets me laid. 

I haven’t had a drink for two days. Well, granted, I was unconscious. 

You’re hot, but it’s been a while since I’ve been with a dude. 

He was warm, like the inner thighs of an overworked hooker. 

He may look like he’s in a boy band, but he’s got a point. 

Let’s be honest, she’s my last chance at happiness, and that’s more important than video games and masturbation, right? 

I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. 

I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you. 

Keep laughing, or I will slit your throat in your sleep. 

Brush your teeth, I wanna play. 

Other than the presents and the booze, can you tell me three good reasons we should get married? 

Oh, don’t mind me. I accidentally took three of my pills instead of one.