adamant

“I’m with you. No matter what else you have in your head I’m with you and I love you.”

The hardest part about this is that I’m still learning. The body does not understand demands. For years, I have taken parts of myself and shook them in my hands, screaming, “It’s time to feel better about this! This time in my life is over!” It doesn’t work. I heal in my sleep. I heal when I’m not paying attention. I heal the more I accept the hurt. I heal the more I tell myself “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m worth more than rushing through this.” I heal with every time I understand I deserve patience. It’s cliche to compare myself to Rome and how nothing is mastered in a day. It is better to say I will shine so brightly when I am no longer at the hands of my memories. I will be unstoppable, if I give myself time.

Boil mint leaves and lavender buds, spoon in honey, and stir. This isn’t for your winter-worn throat, but your burning heart; how to finally cast that khaki-wearing asshole out of your chest and breathe in something/someone new. You’ve been sleeping in the same sweatpants for weeks now, and no man deserves that kind of power. Bring it back where it belongs: long hair and candles glowing and poorly versed rhymes. Claim your body back. Enchant this home to only know a love it deserves.

Imagine us bathing in a setting sun, our bare backs to the world and our faces to the sky. Imagine us, sipping time and how sweet it tastes; how it warms our bellies and wraps wrinkles around our mouths, draws worry in our hands. Imagine us, under the stars; wolves tuning their howls into lullabies and babies sleeping the whole night through.   Before all the breath is stolen from our lungs, I will turn to you and say, ‘I am yours, in this lifetime, and every one after it. I am yours as long as I exist.’