The World is a Stage... My Theater is Empty

There I was, minding my own business, indulging in a Double Stuf Oreo, as the good Lord would want me to on a Sunday night. I’m noshing on this like a Budweiser Clydesdale and decided to take a swig of milk to wash it down. It was not a dainty sip. This was like a Big Gulp. And suddenly I’m chewing extra fast, trying to swallow down the Oreo and 8 ounces of milk that I thought I was equipped to…

Summer is pet sitting season, and this one has been extra busy. I haven’t had time (or the inclination) to grocery shop, so right now we are down to blueberries, cereal, pasta, or the Aldi brand of Chips Ahoy cookies. Well, we did have cookies. I left for a quick weekend getaway and came home to find the container of cookies ripped open. No surprise; these kids are like animals and it looked…

My dogs recently took their sixth flight in under a year. They’ve been all over the US from as far as Death Valley, CA to Boston, MA and many places in between. Over a long weekend, I took them with me to New York City where they walked from Times Square to Central Park and all over Manhattan. At the end of the four days, we were all equally exhausted from logging ten mile days of walking and…

It’s three forty-one on a Monday morning in January. My bladder is saying, “Yooooooo!!!!” as I sit up in bed and throw the heated blanket aside. Although the dogs don’t necessarily need to go out at this time of the morning, I trudge downstairs and open the back door, releasing a flock of wagging tails into the yard. They file back inside, older dogs dutifully walking back up the deck steps and…

A few years ago, I became friends with this guy Matt. He’s forty-seven, raising two kids alone after a divorce. He’s born and raised in Phoenix and works in the ER. Matt is a nice guy. He was rattled by his divorce–a process that took nearly three years to finalize–and swore off women and dating. We commiserated over cheating spouses and the hardships of raising teens alone. We shared memes, a…

Re-Gift You a Merry Christmas

Some of my most favorite holiday gifts over the years have been pet photo cards and homemade cookies. Seriously, who doesn’t want a tin of two dozen different types of cookies? Or a glossy photo of some adorable pets dressed up for the holidays to place on the fridge? To balance out the gift of sugar and cute doggos, there have also been some highly amusing and downright questionable gifts over…

Christmas Isn’t a Competition

(But if it was, we’d totally win…) AH! The holiday season, the time of the year where we kick it into overdrive to tell our loved ones how much we, well, love them. As much as I want peace on earth and good will toward my fellow man, what I really want is a heckin’ good photo of my precious little dogs in their festive sweaters because I adore those little goblins. One good photo to cherish…

Cool Back Story, Bro

Today I was texting a friend about a painting I had commissioned. During our exchange, I say something about graphic design and Tricia*** replies, “OMG, graphic design, just like what my BF does.” I read her text and muttered, “What?!?!?” You see, I’ve known Tricia for around ten years. I’ve pet sat for her critters and I’ve met her boyfriend once, very briefly, while he was on the phone with…

I got pulled over. Let me set the stage first. Ahem… Driving along in my 2004 Honda Pilot, windows down, covered in dog hair, drool, and the sheen of sweat that comes from walking six dogs in 99 degree heat. The trusty old Pilot has some front end damage due to a car crash (not my fault). What’s left of the bumper is held up by… duct tape and some yarn. Classy, right? On the inside of the…

The Swipe Right Cicada Incident

Leaving the last house of the day, I close the garage and head down the driveway. To my left I hear a fairly loud buzzing similar to that of a weed whacker, but I don’t see anything. I should keep on steppin’. Mind my own business, ya dig? But no, I’m like OOOH! I wonder what it is!?!? (Note: we all know what it is, based on the blog title alone). Really, I’m more wondering if the cicada is…

The Great Cookie Betrayal

Who doesn’t like freshly baked cookies warm out of the oven? The smell alone is reminiscent of my own mother baking a delicious variety of peanut butter kisses, Mexican wedding cookies, a chocolate fudge cookie that was bomb beyond description, and of course the classic: chocolate chip. I mean seriously, if you don’t like gooey chips of decadent chocolate melting in your mouth with each bite,…

The Grape Juice Incident of 2017

January 30th, 2017, 5:25 PM, I received two separate texts from my kids. Text from Child #1: Grape juice spilt everywhere.  Surely that’s an exaggeration. There can’t be juice, everywhere, right? Right? !? Text from Child #2, 5:26 PM: Did Numero Dos tell you about the juice all over the kitchen? Actually, maybe it’s not an exaggeration.  Maybe there is truly grape juice splattered over every…

The Pool is Closed

Dogs are amazing. They’re loyal, goofy, know how to cheer us up when we’re down, and generally make the world a better place for their people whether it’s search and rescue missions or cuddling on the couch. Dogs are also gross. Yeah, I said it. Dogs roll in mysterious, disgusting scents along walks. They dig for treasures in the trash as if moldy take out left in the fridge too long was part…

Sending out a False S.O.S

My mom had a shiny pink Razr cell phone for as long as I can remember. While phones evolved over the years and I went from a flip phone to a Blackberry and eventually the high-tech fancy phone I carry now, my mom never abandoned that tried and true, simple flip phone. After this past Friday night, I think I may need to return to the simpler times of the Motorola Razr. Lemme explain… Ya girl…

Let’s get (a school) physical

I’m currently in the home stretch of parenting. Fifty percent of the offspring I birthed are over the age of eighteen, and in a few months, I’ll be at a 100% success rate of not fatally embarrassing my children. At least I *think* he’s turning 18? Yesterday we went to urgent care for a physical since Numero Dos plays baseball and the school won’t let him on the field or in the weight room…