Art And Vents

This is the first night in years.. that I’ve wanted to hurt myself. That I’ve felt so betrayed and unloved.

I’m reaped of the things wished for. The things loved. The things aspired for. Instead of a together there is only a you and an I. There’s no us. There’s no going forward. There’s no cuddling on the sofa, planning our weekend, excited at the anticipation of what to do together. Together... There is no together with you is there?.. only a follow or fall mentality.

Sorry I have other ineterest aside from you? I’m trying to live a happy life and follow my interests instead of being a miserable little lump.

Get myself all dolled up and ready for a fun time and there you go bringing me down and being an unemotional rock devoid of joy

Feeling some deep shame today.. I last minute called in sick again for the 2nd day in a row and my boss seems none too happy about it. I'm honestly really nervous about what she's going to say to me once I come in. Honestly I need to stop being so lazy with work but I have no motivation right now. I feel like every time I go in it's the same monotonous job over and over again with coworkers who don't like me, think I'm some weird alien, and talk about me behind my back. I honestly feel my loneliest when I'm there. I'm only a few months away from quitting, plus my vacation is only a couple weeks away.. idk.. I'm an idiot I guess is what I'm trying to say... My partner is so hard working. She goes in even when she's dog tired or extremely sick. I feel like I'm such a flake by comparison (because I am). Sure I work hard once I'm there but I of course have to actually show up.. I think when things get hard or I get whiffs of laziness I flake and it's a really bad habit of mine. I need to get better. I need to be better. I need to grow up.