Totes Magotes

It was an overdose? What if I couldn't have saved you The way I saved myself Your usage was always to feel closer to your mom To mask your own pain That you felt so ashamed of I loved you I understood your struggles more than anyone I feel like I should've done more Said more As attuned to your aura as I was Was I blind or ignorant to the truth? Or was this a freak accident that not even you foresaw Some weird condition Like a ticking time bomb I have so many unanswered questions And so many regrets right now I know you'd just want me to pick up and move on As is the infamous Dowd way But I am not a Dowd and I cannot just suppress you I miss you Every day I do not throw myself into the Connecticut River is a miracle I am losing my grip I'm reaching that stage in what they call anger in grief Yes I am angry Not at you But at myself.

They can't find a balance of medication that won't trigger relapse or will work due to previous drug abuse. Yay. I don't even want meds to be honest. It's basically numbing out the pain and what truly is wrong with me mentally.

I don't know how you're being so strong I want to say I contemplate throwing myself off of a cliff every day I am a wreck at home I am sobbing uncontrollably in the car Just to crack a smile and a joke in public I choke back my tears and sorrow when I talk about him When people say you're young I know they really mean You'll find someone to replace him We live in such a replaceable society you'll forget him I just want to take them by their face and scream no How do you replace the yin to your yang How do you forget the person who's very cremains are in your home When very material thing they owned on this earth becomes yours? When the person you told every dark and shitty part of your heart and soul is no more? You don't just move on You don't just suddenly become okay You learn to fake it Because faking it is so much more comfortable for others to deal with.

Your Butterfly

27 Days and I still love you just as deeply as ever 

I’m allowed to be selfish right now. I do not have to let people in nor do I have to give anyone anything or part of Lucas. I can’t deal with people right now. At all. 

It’s been one week since you left this earth. Fuck. I miss you. I miss everything about you even snuggling in your sweaty stinky armpits after work. I saw a grief counselor today and I think I might continue it. I feel your presence with me Lucas. I can’t explain it but I know you’re still here. It’s been such a shit show with everyone asking me what happened and to me it doesn’t matter I can’t get the image of the way I found you and the horror and heartbreak of begging you to stay with me on this earth. I want everyone else to remember your vibrant smile, your selflessness and that infectious laugh. It doesn’t feel real. I really doesn’t. I’m sick of everyone with their pearls of wisdom on how to grieve you or how to be strong. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off but I know they mean well. I love you so so so much. I will never love anyone as deeply as I love you. Forever and always. 

Fuck yourself.

This blog is about to get really depressing okay? I found my fiancé in our home on Friday unresponsive and that has been the most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I would do anything to switch places with him to bring him back. I have no cause yet and I cannot get the image and the things that happened when I found him out of my head. It is literally seared into my skull to replay over and over again. My entire fucking soul is shattered into a million pieces.