Triggering Content

it’s hilarious how I can’t look at my own archive because of tumblr “safe mode” (like how fucked is your filter system when someone can’t even look at their own blog while logged in)

where the fuck can I turn that off I just want to find my text posts to reflect on how I used to be. (I found one option for “ios” but that doesn’t seem to apply to my laptop)

Anyway, text wall ahead because I’m ADHD and can’t stay on topic for 5 seconds:

I’m 28 years old now, I’ve been through a LOT since I last was on this blog.

(One of the last text posts I made was about my ex M. We broke up in like 2018. I dated another guy, D, who ended up just putting hands on me on a regular basis and we broke up in 2019. I’m currently in a relationship with a transwoman, V. Someone who ACTUALLY believes in healthy communication. I love my sweet princess so much)

I don’t purge anymore. I’ve identified where a lot of my disordered eating behaviors stemmed from, and it’s helped a lot to heal my relationship with food.

Short answer? I have ADHD and Autism.

Long answer? After going on a long research journey and seeing so many shared experiences, it was almost insultingly easy to see how I got to where I was.

The binging was a dopamine seeking behavior that’s actually really common with ADHD. With medication, I have been able to recognize when I’m eating food because I’m understimulated. The purging was my own self hatred, which came from not understanding myself or how my brain worked. Once you figure that out, it becomes so much easier.

I’m not saying ADHD is 100% to blame for my eating disorder. I’m saying it left me susceptible and with the lack of a healthy support system and access to certain parts of the internet, it was practically inevitable.

Am I completely recovered from my eating disorder? No. I still deal with a lot of body dysmorphia, and I still struggle with the mindset of how I don’t deserve food. The obsession with the numbers on the scale is still there. (we got an electric scale the other year, im on it nearly every day, but at least I can honestly say it’s partially so I can monitor when I’m falling into bad habits)

And yes, I might take advantage of my appetite suppressing medication and hyperfocused state to avoid eating sometimes.

But I’m so much happier with myself. My main complaints at this point are my physical disability causing me chronic pain. Finally got a reason for that too! Apparently I’m hypermobile! Like, genuinely. I showed my doctor some of my cool “tricks” and he was like “No yep 100% you’re hypermobile, humans aren’t supposed to be able to bend their fingers at 90 degree angles backwards”

It helps that V has shown me how to love myself. She doesn’t expect anything from me, she loves me in every form I take, and she has no complaints regarding me gaining or losing weight. In fact, when I’m in a bad mindset, and I’ve lost a lot of weight really quickly, she’s the only one that doesn’t congratulate me. She’s right there, comforting me when I need it.

All in all, even though I’m still not in a good part of my life, the world is melting, my government is consistently in shambles, I’m disabled and neurodivergent in a world not made for me, and the pandemic destroyed my finances, I can still say there’s hope. Hope for recovery.

If there’s anyone out there that sees this, that is still struggling, know that you’re not alone, and one day, with a good support system, you can some day find satisfaction with yourself.

I developed Bulimia 10 years ago. 3 years ago I was able to start a journey that lead me to today.

I love myself, I love my body. And I don’t give a flying fuck what people think about me anymore. My very existence pisses off the government, it doesn’t matter how thin I am, how hard I work, it will never be enough.

And if you think you’re doing this for yourself, that destroying yourself if the only way you’ll be happy. Please, please examine exactly why you think that. Look within and ask yourself why this is the only way you think you’ll be happy. Because I can tell you for a fact, no matter how much weight you lose, it’ll never be enough. You will never be satisfied.

Look at the billionaires that have destroyed our planet for their own gain. It doesn’t matter how much money they have, it doesn’t matter that they have more money than anyone else in the world, they are never satisfied with what they have. Superficial things like money and appearance are just bandaids on a deeper hole inside of you.

Don’t listen to the doctors that won’t listen to you because you’re overweight. Don’t listen when they tell you all of your problems would be solved by losing weight. Because those are all lies fed into by the inherent bias they have. (Medical bias is real and it KILLS.)

Look at me, I was told my whole life that losing weight would solve my problems, that I wouldn’t be in so much pain if I wasn’t overweight. It took me years of doing my own research and blitzing my doctor with proof to get the validation that I always craved.

My pain is not my fault.

YOUR PAIN IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a physical issue or a mental one. You are not at fault for the pain you are in. It is the failure of the people around you and the system you are forced to exist in.

(this does not apply to idiots who, for example, jump off a roof onto a trampoline and are shocked they broke their leg.)