I Fukign LOVE soup

Me: Yes, right here.

Lady: Is how much?

Me: $2.99 a pound.

Lady: It's usually $1.49.

Me: Yes, in the summer.

Lady, pauses, then grabs two: I put it in a soup.

Me: Oh nice, what kind are you making?

Lady: You will not fantasize about my soup.

Text that reads, "I'm actually veryyyy big into the stock market." Over lots of pictures of soup stock in various pots.

my village no longer shuns me. ever since i drove the Goblins out they have all accepted me as their prophet and are letting me back into the church again. so that is nice. :)

the Soup God still won't talk to me. i am not sure i want to talk to It though, tbh. i am just grateful that i managed to drive @the-evil-stew-goblin away without having to open the—

(The EVIL stew goblin shouts with glee atop a massive stack of mushroom minions piled together as a form of moving chariot. It is quite impressive, seeing as most of them have no hands and thus nothing to hold on with.)

there were too many of them. way too many. the villagers were outnumbered two to one, easily.

where had the Evil Stew Goblin even found this many people?? i had thought he was just like a mob boss or something. but no! as it turned out, he was also some sort of a general or something!

alas! i had realized it too late. and now there was a whole fucking army breaking down the gates of my village!

panicked, i ran outside. other villagers were doing the same, including the cobbler Vesuvius, and others who have requested that i not put their names on my tumblr blog. they ran from their houses, armed with whatever makeshift weapons were at their disposal—scythes and pitchforks, chains and spiked clubs, etc.—and gathered in my front yard before me.

"rodrigo!" cried Vesuvius, carrying a sawed-off 12-gauge. "this army is too great. we cannot hope to defend against it. please! you must let us lay down our arms, and let the power of our God defend us!"

"i know, Vesuvius, i know," i said, and sighed, for my heart was heavy. "i know that i must do this thing." i addressed the rest of the crowd: "all of you, go back inside! protect yourselves. the power of your God will defend you... but that power can still hurt you. so, go, now! go and hide!"

GO ON, SOUP PROPHET!! SHOW US THE POWER OF YOUR “mobile hot liquid container”

(the goblin makes quotations with his hands in a mocking tone. His pride has easily gone to his head, as well as his blood as the stack stops suddenly, flinging him to the ground directly in front of Rodrigo)

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE WALKING! YOU ALMOST SQUISHED ME, YOU LEFTOVERS!!

we stood across from each other, just a few paces apart, him armed to the teeth with his various and sundry stew-based weapons and me with only my Thermos.

i looked into his eyes, those Evil, Evil eyes, and saw within the stew of hatred that was his soul a presence of mutual respect. a deep understanding, the kind that only true rivals can have. for that was what we were. two souls bound together by the inexorable prescript of Fate.

and when i looked into the Evil Stew Goblin's Evil eyes i knew this. and he knew too. and i knew that he knew. and he knew that i knew that he knew that i knew that he knew. and i knew that he knew that i knew that he knew that i knew that he knew.

"behold!" i cried, to my enemy, and all who would hear. "a pale horse. and his name that sits on it is Death! and Hell follows him!"

and i raised the Holy Thermos, and opened the first seal... or at least, that's what i meant to do. but the Soup God was overeager, and the power of It which i channeled came out too strong. and by mistake i opened the first three seals on the Thermos.

it is an act ordained by God, i told myself.

great and terrible energies began to spew from the Thermos' broken seals—think something like colored fog, but more ethereal. and spewing out with such force that it was really less like fog and more like high-pressure steam. but instead of dissipating like steam, the energies became opaque, and swarmed upon the sky.

and the earth began to quake. the trees and the houses shook. the streetlights tottered like pendulums and came crashing down. transmission towers trembled in the distance.

and the sun became black like sackcloth of hair. and the moon appeared and became as red as blood. and the stars appeared and fell from the sky like ripe figs from a shaken tree. or actually more like meteors crashing down on earth and killing people and destroying things... because that's what they were.

and the power of the Soup God flowed through my veins; and raised me high up into the air; and i saw in my peripheral view that my fur glowed with a golden light.