kiki (backup)

❝"Shouldn't we break it?"

The question is soft, almost hesitant. When Spock turns his head, he finds Jim studying the ground, a smile playing at his lips that creates a curious dissonance in Spock's chest. The expression contains none of the captain's usual vibrant energy—it is, instead, tinged with something that makes Spock's side ache in a most illogical manner.

"To what are you referring exactly?" Spock asks, though he has calculated a 97.8% probability that he knows exactly what Jim means. The pretense is... illogical. And yet he finds himself unwilling to broach the subject directly.

Yep, you’ve nailed it! In EOTM, Jim is just past 30, putting him right around that 31-32 range—the same age as TOS Kirk when he took command of the Enterprise. (Honestly, the parallels are DELIBERATE because I’m a sucker for symbolic symmetry.)

It’s post-Beyond, so he’s already seen some stuff, but he’s still figuring himself out. He’s carrying the weight of his command, his crew’s safety, his past and future, plus a heaping side of “what even is my identity outside of the chair?” existentialism. It’s prime angsty-but-competent Kirk era—experienced enough to know what he’s doing, but young enough to make mistakes and feel every single one in his soul.

Oh boy. AOS Jim Kirk is the ultimate tragic overachiever—he’s all swagger and smiles on the outside but underneath? That man is held together by sheer willpower, unresolved trauma, and possibly too much synthale.

Let’s break it down: Jim’s trauma shaped him in every way. He lost his father in a literal blaze of glory, grew up feeling inadequate compared to a hero he never got to know, and internalized the idea that survival means never letting anyone see you’re hurting. He throws himself into recklessness, not just because he’s a thrill-seeker, but because he’s been told over and over that he’s the guy who shouldn’t make it. Every command decision he makes, every act of bravery, every self-sacrificing move—it’s as much about proving his worth to himself as it is about saving the galaxy.

He’s also learned to weaponize his trauma. He can read people because he knows what it’s like to be underestimated and overlooked. He leads like someone who gets it—who knows what it’s like to feel alone and unworthy. But he buries that pain under a mountain of charm and bravado because confronting it? That’s terrifying. Vulnerability? He’d rather fight a Klingon.

As for therapy… listen, I think Jim wants to process it. He’s just afraid. Therapy would mean admitting that his cracks are more than surface-level. It’s not until he starts forming those unshakable bonds with his crew (Spock especially—because Spock sees through him, ugh) that he’d even consider letting anyone in. Spock would be the one to push him toward self-reflection, maybe even subtly encouraging him to seek help in the most Vulcan way possible: “Captain, emotional clarity enhances decision-making. You would benefit from such endeavors.”

WAIT. Hold the comms. John Boyega as Jim and Henry Golding as Spock? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME? Because honestly, what a power move. The sheer charisma, the smolder, the absolute chaos of Jim Kirk paired with the quiet intensity of Spock—played by these two absolute legends? I’m WEEPING.

John Boyega would NAIL Kirk’s charm and reckless brilliance while still giving us those tender, vulnerable moments (like when Jim doubts himself but pushes forward anyway because that’s what leaders do). And Henry Golding as Spock? I can see him raising one perfect eyebrow and saying, “Fascinating” in that calm, velvety voice, while secretly battling all the emotions under the surface. The cheekbones alone could cut through space-time.

Plus, the chemistry? THROUGH THE ROOF. Boyega’s natural energy and Golding’s cool elegance would perfectly mirror that human/Vulcan dynamic we all obsess over. I’d honestly sell my soul to see this cast in a Starfleet uniform. Imagine the Macarena scene with them. IMAGINE.

Oh, you sweet soul. Checking in on me? I’m fine. I’m good. I’m… definitely not eating cereal for dinner at 2 a.m. while pretending my hiatus was “a creative recharge” and not a black hole of procrastination. Nope. Not at all.

But seriously, thank you for asking. 🧡 I’ve missed y’all! Life’s been…well, imagine Kirk trying to explain how he “accidentally” stole a starship again—it’s a mess, but you can’t help but laugh (and cry) at the chaos. I’m clawing my way back to normal, though, and being here with you all is a massive serotonin boost.

Okay, first of all: SAME.

Second of all, let’s unpack the sheer emotional and sensory chaos that would hit Jim during their first meld in an intimate moment. Given everything we know about mind melds, especially their intensity and vulnerability, this moment would be like throwing every fanfiction trope and soft-focus filter into a blender.

Picture this: Spock’s touch, already electric (because yes, Jim is extra and notices these things), suddenly cracks open a door to Spock’s mind. Jim doesn’t just feel Spock’s emotions—he experiences them. The longing Spock’s been burying under all that Vulcan restraint? Jim now knows how it tastes, how it burns. Spock’s discipline and logic can’t hold up against the mutual vulnerability of the meld, and Jim would feel that restraint giving way to something raw, primal, and utterly consuming.

On Jim’s side? His chaotic cocktail of command stress, self-doubt, and overwhelming love for Spock would spill out in all its messy glory. He’d be terrified at first—of being seen, of Spock realizing how deeply Jim’s tethered to him—but Spock’s presence would feel like being wrapped in the calmest, warmest starlight. It’s intimacy on a level he’s never known. A bonding moment in the truest sense.

AND THEN—because I am mean to my characters—it would be laced with the tiniest ache. Jim realizing Spock’s mind isn’t just open; it’s lonely. That a connection like this is as alien to Spock as it is to him. The tenderness that would ignite in Jim…ugh.

And now it’s really not the time for unwanted thoughts that hint at jealousy more than he cares to admit.

Not that he’s jealous, or anything. Mind your business.❞

chapter 17 is up <3