DRTYVRSY

I recently got kicked out of my home. Fortunately, I was able to stay with a family member, but only for a couple of weeks, so after that, I will have to find somewhere else to go.

In the room I am staying in, there is a wide mirror connected to the chest of draws, and another mirror in between the wardrobe where my clothes are. So I see myself. 

All. The. Time.

This made me ask a question:

Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror when no one is around, to see who you really are?

I’m talking no distractions.

Here’s an exercise:

Put everything away that you usually occupy your time with.

Now.

Disconnect your wifi.

No girlfriend coming around (You are not a distraction baby, please don’t take offense x)

Turn off your phone.

Your social media.

Turn off your game console.

Turn off your TV.

Look yourself in the mirror for a few minutes in complete silence. Do it for an hour.

Take off your top that hides the figure you are either proud or ashamed of.

Hold off from creaming your face or putting on makeup.

Go as you are.

Do you like what you see?

I did that today. My answer was no. I do not like what I see. In fact, I hate what I see right now.

Because for the first time, I could actually see everything about myself.

Yesterday was the first time I saw myself cry. All the weeping, the sniffles, the gasps, the squishy noises as I wipe my eyes. The blurry vision.

It was the first time I saw how my face scrunches up when I get upset with my girl. Then seeing how my face balls up when I find out I upset her too.

I heard the sound of my shortened breathes when I had a panic attack.

You see, I am in a position right now where that’s all I can do. And most of us wait till this happens to start thinking like this.

I thought I was fine, but really it was the distractions that kept me going.

Now I can see how fragile of a man I really am.

How broken my confidence is and looks.

How tired I sound.

How many times I yawn

How uncomfortable I look when left in silence

How uncomfortable I feel when everyone wants to speak to me

How scared I feel when no one wants to

How stressed I look daily.

How I look when my face rises, and when it slowly fades.

How crazy I really am.

How it looks when I lie and tell people “I’m doing great! How are you?”

How I roll my eyes when someone’s life looks x100 better than my own.

How dejected I become when I have to wake up from work

How tired I am when I return from work.

So, I ask again:

If you dropped everything you occupy your time with and looked in the mirror...