Per The Url

and Ilya has to make a choice if he’s going to marry into a clearly INSANE family (Yuna has like 13 ongoing habitats)

it meant. snakes. coming out. and existing around him. so much around him.

shane just has spaghetti, but yuna has alfredo, ragu, and pesto.

alfredo, ragu, and pesto LOVE ilya.

david, having a lovely time doing this puzzle: no, none for me. i don't mind them, but snakes are just yuna's thing.

ilya, thanking a god he hasn't spoken to in years that at least there are not more snakes he doesn't know about inside this house with him: oh, that's-

david: no, for me it's just my lizards.

ilya:

yuna and david met at a reptile expo in college and used to joke about yuna being pregnant with a frog baby when shane got kicky in there, so shane's cutesy pet name when he was a kid was kermit

laughing about the logistics of trying to get this snake to cooperate and sit in this cold metal thing

"It's just… Why a snake, of all things?"

Shane shrugs. Carefully, he folds the very tip of the page he's on, creating the tiniest dog ear Yuna has seen, before closing the comic book and setting it aside on the bedside table. He scoots closer to Yuna, slowly, carefully, as if he's worried she's going to get up and leave if he moves too fast, until eventually he's next to her, arm pressed against hers. Yuna lifts the arm and wraps it around Shane, pulling him closer, and just waits him out.

Usually she presses him for information, trying to get an answer as quick as possible, but right now she's content to just sit here. She rests her head against Shane's, hair still damp from his shower earlier, and just holds him.

Eventually, voice thick, Shane says, "People think I'm weird. Everyone in my class likes that I'm good at hockey, and that I'm fast. In gym I'm always picked first for teams, but… I don't think anyone really likes me."

Something in Yuna breaks. There's a sharp pain in her chest that goes just as quickly as it came, and the matter of fact way Shane tells her ‘I don't think anyone likes me’ brings tears to her eyes. "Oh, baby…"

"And…" Shane sniffles and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "No one really likes snakes, either. They think they're scary and weird and boring, and I think maybe I'm weird and boring, so maybe… Maybe a snake would like me."

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

@nirby-wirby

the idea that ilya was trying to be loving and let shane come to his own conclusions that he was sick and give in to being cared for because they're still early in their marriage and he thinks that's still possible

only for The Appendixing to happen and shane in the aftermath losing his faking it privileges as a result because APPARENTLY his shifty ass will just "no thank you" his own body THROUGH A FUCKING! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!

@dragoonthegreat

CACKLING

i also feel like part of the problem is that he IS so good. yeah his fever is 102 and he can't really see straight and gravity is applying to him unevenly, but he is still making goals. would that goal have happened if he was at home?? GUESS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

the idea of the team thinking they can rat him out to ilya (at home on temporary injury reserve) being SO darkly funny to ilya. he WISHES he had the authority to just make shane admit he's sick and rest. you would think someone obsessed with their health in every other way would take illness seriously enough to rest when he needs to.

he makes it into the locker room before his body goes "okay night night time" and he just goes DOWN

but he held it together SO well in the interview that people see the ambulance coming to the arena and start speculating about fucking EVERYONE

EXCEPT THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO ACTUALLY GOT A WEE WOO TAXI RIDE

he's still out for the next one and announcers are like, "wow, bad luck to have a player end up in the hospital last time and hollander out on this one" and ilya is just -_-

shane in the fucking stratosphere after surgery: TWO appende-appen-appenbyebyes. one more than ANYONE else on the team. that's called-that's called WINNING, babe.

i also LOVED that fic so much.. do u think vivienne Knows about them.. like surely there's one family member going i know what you are shane hollander and ilya rozanov

i think vivienne has suspicions that there's a crush in there somewhere, but i don't think she KNOWS.

^ elle probably figured out which mutual luca was as soon as she was in the car on the way home (ive seen the user luca-rozanov thrown around which is so unsubtle and so funny) but luca doesn't figure out elle is hane-shollander until years after they met

GOD shane who knows his little cousin likes heckling grown ass men and has since she could barely fucking see over the wall who just assumes she's doing the same to luca, so he takes luca aside and is just, "listen, you can't let her get to you, okay? she's just having fun. she does the same to me all the time."

and now luca is internally having a crisis because he thinks this is shane saying he is somewhere on tumblr, too, and now he is about to have a panic attack thinking about if Shane Fucking Hollander has seen his in-depth hollanov analysis posts in person.

elle (who is. a demon) one day after a game is making introductions to a friend she brought along and goes, "and this is luca rozanov, no, oops, i mean haas. :) my mistake. :) right, luca? :)"

and luca is just

maybe harris finds out that shane's beloved cousin is in town and is like. hey shane do you think your cousin would like to come to practice and help me with media (maybe he heard from troy about shane's menace of a younger cousin and thinks that she would be a fantastic person to bring to the media team)

shane's like yeah why not? i'll see if she's free

and oh boy is elle free, she's so excited. she's coming up with new questions that these hockey boys had never heard of before. like why do you look sometimes like a trout when you're warming up? or how many times do you think you can skate around the rink at full speed before you throw up?

it's ahead of family night, so she gets to do interviews as kind of a bit of involving family at every step of the way, and she's not on camera (both because minor (they do get a sign off from her mom) and also she's just not interested in that. she'd rather be an anonymous plight to hockey players everywhere), but for ANYONE paying attention it is VERY clear that she is very slowly chasing luca around the rink as luca looks increasingly sweaty. she is coming for him, and they BOTH know it. luca straight up contemplates just puking on the ice so he can CALL IT and LEAVE.

no one who watches the video knows elle's name because the only time she's addressed is by ilya, who calls her Small Hollander (which is affectionately changed to Smallander by fans). the video also gets traffic because it's among the most relaxed interviews shane's ever given. he's still On because he's in his uniform and aware this is going online, but he's smiling slightly because it's his little cousin "interviewing" him, which means it's mostly just chirping back and forth. "what's your ideal breakfast, shane?" "a protein smoothie" *loud buzzer noise* "boring answer. try again." "that IS the answer." "well make up a better one. we're trying to make a television program here." "this isn't for television. this is going on instagram, i think." "okay well just for that, you're getting the villain edit in this one. it's going to make rupaul's editing look tame." "i don't even know who that is." "GOD you're so bad at being gay." "i'm telling your mom you said that." "okay and then i'll tell ilya you said you wouldn't love him if he was a worm?? en garde, dude."

luca, who doesn't know how she knows about his fanart but knows she Knows: n-no, not really.

elle, who is in a pink puffy coat and has a bow in her hair and is a good foot shorter than him and yet is scarier than any hockey player he's ever faced on the ice: oh? 🙂 i would have thought there's plenty of inspiration. i mean you're on the same team as the world's most famous players. they even have their own couple name, don't they? 🙂 what was it again? hollanov or something? am i saying that right? 🙂

luca, about to die of heart attack at 19:

Also, orgasms help some people with pain relief, but if you have really severe migraines, any sensation is really overstimulating (like flinch away from touch). Alternatively, it may drop you straight into endorphin high where everything hurts, but you're floating and slightly detached from it. Can't feel your fingers because they're tingling, can feel physical sensations really intensely but they don't compute because your brain is too tired to process what it's feeling.

Also, long-term migraines can begin to mimic the symptoms of a stroke! (I once forgot my own name in the middle of class when we had to write our names down and got sent to the ER, where they told me my brain was so tired from the pain that it literally swelled until the pressure was pushing against my skull)

So imagine Ilya and Shane on the couch post-tuna melt, Shane has sensed the migraine building or already had it for days and decided to try the orgasm pain relief method on top of his perscription. Ilya says his name, and Shane pauses for a second because "... I know i have your spit in my hand and youre covered in our shared cum, but what's your name again??"

to be clear, absolutely not making fun of your experience with it because that sounds SO awful, but the wtf comedic potential of shane getting up and running off to get dressed but in the process of that (because moving in a rush and up stairs and getting dressed and- while Head Is McFucking Ouchy? BAD) having a brain going blank moment and having ilya go up to find out what's going on with him taking so long only for shane to pull a, "i'm sorry...fuck, fuck, i can't remember your name-"

GOD memory loss specifically being terrifying to ilya for VERY personal reasons, so there is NOTHING in his head but shane needs medical attention NOW.

and a few hours later shane is in the hospital and the migraine is finally over and he is fucking DRAINED because being in pain for days is exhausting.

i love shane who is just. PERPETUALLY a little suspicious of ryba and her motivations.

ryba, meanwhile??? ADORES him. cat-coded human!! hello!! where are we going? what are you looking at? what are you eating? can i sniff it? oh don't mind me i'll just sit right here-

"ilya, get your cat, she keeps following me to the bathroom"

"she doesn't want you to be lonely"

fully straight vibing and just hanging out with shane while he showers.

and shane just. TRULY does not know what the fuck to do here.

shane who has spent years sharing locker rooms and showers no problem who is suddenly VERY self-conscious in front of this cat who just invited herself into the shower with him.

It’s a well known fact that you have to keep your phone on silent because Miko WILL make a ringing sound and then laugh at you, Ilya was not told this. Ilya gets confused when his phone rings 3 times in a row during dinner but there are no notifications. He goes back to the table like ??? I thought maybe Shane called? I don’t know, maybe phone is broken and that’s when Yuna and David realize he Doesn’t Know.

Ilya is absolutely delighted and becomes a menace who just tries to teach Miko more noises for prank possibilities.

oh my GOD she specifically knows a text notification noise and thinks she's SO funny when she makes someone get their phone out to check

ilya staying with her for a weekend alone because she knows him by now so he can watch her without stressing her out, and she gets like an hour of entertainment of fucking with him like this before he catches on, and then she's just "naughty biiiird" *laugh*

first of all i am very endeared by the idea of hayden being the one person who knows about this because they're roomies and knows The Head Hurts protocol.

and GOD the idea of tuna meltdown almost happening and then not because shane starts getting an aura on the couch, decides to just. try to fuck away the start of it. (orgasms are good for pain relief?? right?? he feels like he read that somewhere at some point). only to get to the end and Oh Fuck That Didn't Work And Also You Said My First Name Time To GO.

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

the idea of this corn snake chilling in the equivalent of a snake mansion is KILLING ME. there are children with less space and enrichment than spaghetti.

also shane at 18 was still making an impression on his team in montreal and knew by then that "hey, i have a snake" gets side eyes he doesn't necessarily want, so only hayden knows about spaghetti on the montreal team, but after he's on the ottawa team, spaghetti comes up because ilya needs someone to understand his pain, and it becomes a superstition that if spaghetti eats his mouse no problem, then they have good luck for the next 10-14 days until he eats again. shane literally get @'d if the team knows it's Spaghetti Feeding Day and he doesn't report in of his own accord.

ilya HATES this superstition. it's not enough that the snake lives in the same house as him where he lays his sweet head each night. now spaghetti is even in the groupchat. he gets ASKED about SPAGHETTI THE SNAKE at his JOB!!!! he has SUFFERED!! more than JESUS!!!

reblogging with my own tags because i'm actually so emotional about the idea of shane like. not expecting ilya to interact with or even like spaghetti. shane knows people don't like snakes. (even his mom put on a good show, but he knows she does NOT fuck with spaghetti as a concept and was happy when he moved out along with shane to montreal). spaghetti gets introduced to ilya at the cottage, but like. the snake has his own room for a reason. a lot of people don't like snakes, and shane has also had the reptile owner experience of people even wanting his pet to be dead or talking about how they would kill him. so shane doesn't talk a lot about spaghetti, and he KNOWS ilya does not like his snake. and that's okay. ilya is willing to be in the same house as spaghetti and not say anything bad about him, and that's good enough.

and i am SO in my feelings imagining ilya getting to shane's house earlier than him one day during the season when they're still long distance and shane finding him in spaghetti's room talking to him. and ilya is clearly a little unnerved by this snake but is just, "if you could do less with the tongue, i think would be better for me, if you can manage this. *pause* see, no, it feels like you just did EXTRA tongue thing just because i asked you not to." and shane is??? hello??? what are you doing???

and ilya is a little flustered getting caught talking to spaghetti but also says he was trying to get used to spaghetti because he knows shane likes carrying him around but doesn't when ilya is over, and ilya doesn't want him to not get to carry his pet around if he wants to just because of him.

@merliren

tears in my eyes laughing at the idea of yuna drinking her wine and thinking, "oh you poor fool," because she senses a kindred "does NOT fuck with snakes" spirit, but that's something shane gets to handle on his own.

JUST A BABY TALKING TO A BABY

ilya texts him after he fucking VANISHES at the club and is just "?? where did you go???"

like at first he might be more stiff/unsure in interacting with them, but i feel like once he settles in and has had a little experience with the kids at camp, it's just

*kid lining up to jump off the top row of bleachers*

"dude, i am begging you. i do NOT want to fill out the paperwork for that."

"i can do it!"