Just need to vent but also let this be a lesson to men everywhere!
You do not have to be friends with someone to listen to what they have to say.
Men talk all this shit about the importance of mental health but won't even be an ear to a man who reaches out to him in need of support and understanding.
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Heads up, there is some profanity.
This is only a very small part of my entire story.
I didn't fully understand nor take it seriously for a good portion but I've been depressed, often severely, for my entire life. With no one caring and me not knowing my traumas compounded and new triggers made things worst, then came a 2013 trigger event that really messed me up, leading to a life of solitude and no longer living but just barely existing. That year I was accused of some relatives of trying to molest another relative, which was a lie and as I found out many years later was almost certainly projection. This awakened subconscious memories of my own childhood sexual abuse which just absolutely wrecked me, fast forward to the summer of 2015 and by chance not only did I learn some of the truth about this, but that I'm a survivor of infant male genital mutilation as well. I cried for at least 3 months and for the first time since a late 2009 attempt, wanted to die. The only thing that kept me from ending my life is that somewhere around 2010-2011 I learned of the futurist movement, giving me hope that I can live forever and one day time travel to save myself, but that idea has changed and expanded significantly since then. Ultimately I chose not to save myself to avoid that paradox, instead creating replicants. Those will help steer me away from some of my biggest mistakes but more importantly connect with my old friends, providing versions of me not riddled by trauma or soy so better equipped to be a good and loyal friend they deserve. There's much more to it but that remains my biggest motivation.
In 2015 I also first saw a movie called This is the end, which gave me feelings I thought were weird at the time, but did some research and learned about the importance of male bonding (or bromance if you will), and how deprived American men in particular are of this. For a short time I wanted a dog but that desire was sabotaged, which partially turned out to be a good thing but not because I was denied this for my mental health. About 2 years later I finally mustered up the courage/desperation so reached out to one person I thought was my friend, seeking this kind of love only to be met with BS excuses when all I could think about was just not offing myself. This and other factors further eroded my trust in humanity, giving up on any social success I had made and going back into extreme solitude for several more years.
At the time the only temporal directive I had was to protect the young me, make me more squared away and to never desert my friends. The only people on my list of temporal enemies list were those most directly responsible for my lifelong abuses, indoctrination and emasculation.
The worst of the worst, my sexual abusers (provided they were not survivors of CSA themselves) and mutilators plus those who enabled it then/or ridiculed me for daring to speak out/confront them, death is too kind a punishment for them so I came up with the idea of a temporal hell.
This practice will be extended to all abused men and boys, reparations too.
Eventually I found the red pill and MGTOW movements, which in turn led me to IBMOR and SYSBM, being that I am a black man. I also learned of the welfare state and slave mentality that plagues our community. It's embarassing and I now feel sorry for all those who fought and died in the US civil war, only for 90% of us to now vote for the party of slavery.
For a time I attended protests with The Bloodstained Men but eventually the mental toil was just too much. Towards the end I was afraid of being featured in live streams so requested not to speak in them, later informing people that I just didn't have it anymore. I believe that was 2021.
Now I'm also a combat vet and for better or worst, war changes everyone. The main PTSD I have from this is trouble with sudden loud noises, but people continue to aggravate this then play the victim when I involuntarily react.
I'm still kind of reeling from a major trigger event in 2023, the thoughts I had are a little more violent than I'm comfortable mentioning here but it warranted a health/wellness check by police which I'm very grateful for and emergency therapy.
In October 2025 I reunited with an old army friend and after that everything changed. For the first time in over a decade I had some hope for the future and for the first time ever I've gone over 6 months at the time of recognition and now 8 months without a single suic**** thought and even went on a vacation for the first time in 15 years plus in March 2026 returned to protest male genital mutilation with The Bloodstained Men et al in Washington DC albeit for only 1 day out of the Genital Integrity Awareness Week there. I have years of backlogged tacks to complete and I'm finally making good progress.
But we live thousands of miles apart. The brotherly love he showed me brought me out of the mental hell I had been in, but unfortunately I feel myself slipping and am trying to get ahead of it.
To put it simply, guilt is preventing me attempting to reconnect with most old friends, and even in the few successes and if we're on that level I'm afraid to even attempt physical but platonic intimacy with them. Aside from the guilt I also feel selfish for just popping back up because I'm lonely and terrified because of various betrayals in the past. At the same time I never truly felt loved as a child so there's awkwardness because I don't know what it's like since there's no foundation, made worse by my sexual traumas and fear of most people being too close to and/or touching me.
As I typed this and analyzed, I realized that it was a February 2026 trigger event that became a catalyst for this feeling and fear of slipping into a full-blown relapse, compounded on all of the old traumas I have barely overcome and as usual the culprit was a black woman.
The above three things combined into a new friendship crisis, where I realized I need a few more and despite difficulties all around, it would be easier to work on creating some anew, without the guilt and for added resiliency. This is where I'm getting to the main reason for this rant, how once again I learned the hard way that most humans ain't shit.
So around this time I just so happened to have discovered a YouTuber who seemed really mature for his age and to care about mental health, and this was in my mind when I realized this crisis of mine so planned to reach out to him. Then I learned he was moving to a state adjacent to mine, putting him within a maybe 4 hour max drive of me. I admit it was selfish because the primary motive was trying to enlist the help of someone I thought would be understanding of male bonding to help me with something later on (Refer to the 1st paragraph after the "This has resulted in a few things." line further below) but for that I was willing to invest in a potential friendship and help him follow his dream.
After this new lease on life given to me by my old friend, I made the decision to type up one final set of combined recaps with new developments and "opening up packages" to share with a few old friends then never speak of my traumas again unless a major new thing was discovered or briefly as part of some new developments in my life. Some eventually made their way to my old Facebook page as well. Because of this and a unique set of circumstances, I've chosen to share this on a few other platforms. If some old friends should stumble across this then so be it, but at least I have not continued to deliberately burden them and feel selfish about it, even though I know these too are manifested traumas.
Keeping with that promise but also on a personal level the fear of failure meant I was never going to share my search with them regardless, this personal journal entry again is only being posted as a lesson to other men.
I spent a few hours editing this for a hopeful new friend while also adding in some memes, wisdom and things for common ground planned to slowly go through as we got to know each other. I took out sensitive details of me and old friends along with the worst details I know of my sexual abuses. Unfortunately by the time I reached out I had already spent a lot energy on this. He said he's uncomfortable making friends online because of past experiences which is fine and I'm sorry about that but by that time I felt myself slipping from the progress (this was late March following the February trigger event) and didn't want the package I prepared to go to waste so just put it in all in the cloud and shared it with him, wanting him to understand everything that led me to reaching out to him, even if we never become friends or meet in the future.
In the midst of this desperation I made some pitches for new friendship on multiple sites - Quora, Reddit, Tumblr, even Pinterest. I've kept them off Facebook and Twitter/X because I don't want anyone I've connected with in the past to feel guilty or know how dire this is for me.
So far, unsurprisingly, there has been no success with these although not much time has passed.
Feeling myself slipping, in a similar fashion to way back after a 2009 suicide attempt I started some small journals and some new media folders again, copying some things I saw as worth it from those throwback times and creating/finding/saving some new ones.
So back to the YouTube guy
Prior to my little crisis I knew I wanted to donate, nothing special, but with the hope I had I got a new long term financial plan so beforehand I blitzed and purchased a lot of things I've been meaning to for years. I spent a whole lot of money so held off a bit, and by the time I did get around to it I was in the early known stage of said crisis. Hoping to maximize the money that went into his bank account I inquired if he had Patreon or a PO box because YouTube takes a ridiculous cut. Because it was a lot and all at once, I even donated a hefty sum of money with a note that went something like consider it compensation for the time it will take to go through said files.
I made it clear that I understand and am sorry for his traumas, but that I don't want my work to be in vain and just need to be heard, terrified that I'd become suic**** again and looking for any and all avenues to help avoid such a relapse. I reiterated we don't have to be friends or ever meet, I just wanted him to listen and understand. I've had little replies and thank you's but not for what matters, not even so much as a hey I'm just really busy right now and will check out the stuff later or whatever. It's not even about the money, it's the time I've wasted and once again being let down.
Men talk all this shit about the importance of mental health then do things like this to their fellow man.
It could've been anyone I reached out to, it was just by chance it turned out to be him but I've learned the end result is almost always the same.
My hope in humanity was only very marginal and I was a fool for developing any real sense of hope, going back to the late 2010's general realization that no one will love me more than me and the inspired directive of providing replicants to fill that role, only now waiting until after the 2025 reunification with that old friend per the significance of being the first to show me the best familial love. This is not to diminish the value of other old friends, esp. those I've managed to at least work on rebuilding connection with, it's just complicated and I don't have what amounts to simply speaking "bromance" with them.
In the success of my temporal plan, the idea was once the future me's came in to help my fake my death, they would reveal the truth that I did in fact accomplish the goal and get me the fuck off this planet
Part of my vision is to, preferably in newly created alternate dimensions to avoid what I call temporal genocide, the unknown act of disrupting the natural evolution of a planet or star system in any pre-existing universe. Within these parallels will be worlds representing what I think human civilization should be, wildlife preserves including for every period in Earth's history and worlds led by many other sentient species.
In terms of "breakaway" human civilizations, they will have their shit together and while just to experiment with different ideas will be at varying levels of development but with two constants - masculinity protected, real environmental protection.
It'll be easy to place replicants to connect with my old civilian friends, and to create new ones but for the military -
A set of circumstances that isn't important to get into detail with will give rise to a few special military organizations that mostly act in an observational, logistical and air support role. One of their official duties will be to preserve masculinity. They will be self-funded and answer to no government but ally with and support some other armed forces, secretly backed by powers that make us invincible to the bullshit of any government, warning the bare minimum necessary of politicians the consequences of fucking with us. I'll leave that there, but the entire point of this is just to provide a separate set of warriors that will interact with the army and accompany my old unit on deployments, the setup for establishing new bonds without disrupting the dynamics of the unit itself.
Another aspect of this is the problem that most technological development is not hindered by a lack of capability but rather weak men and the lack of will, used to justify the existence of "underground" tech that among various things will allow the paralyzed to walk again, even rejuvenate entire bodies. Similarly, they can help people fake their deaths, assume new identities and start new lives.
So because the 2025 friend reuniting was so groundbreaking to me, I've decided that I will stay on this Earth as long as he's here.
For humanity in general, this 2026 let down, combined with the above paragraph, I'll hold off on telling me I succeeded, so that the replicants I assign to forming the rest of my unconditional support group will seem genuine, getting in touch with me after these posts. Future me's will wait at least 5 years to tell me about said future success, to prop up my self-esteem, thinking my efforts paid off in naturally finding what I so desperately need.
This has resulted in a few things
I was hoping to have a friend with the ability and time to accompany me on a trip in late summer 2027, not trying to be selfish here, but aside from just enjoying some time together to hopefully get some nice pics of me bonding with my one old friend when I brought him to my state for the first time. I've now postponed that one year, but will be seeing him in a few months. The last time we hugged (first time seeing him in over 15 years) it was awkward for me because again the lack of childhood foundation of love, sexual trauma and being let down by others in the past when I reached out for comfort - I was hoping to cement our newfound "bromance" on that bro trip but wanted things documented by a 3rd person so it'd be more natural but lost hope of that. Now because I won't see him for at least 2 years, I've modified and advanced it a little, and we'll just have to take the pics or whatever ourselves.
I've scaled back significantly on new goals I had only established weeks ago, instead opting to focus more on futurism and contingencies plus expanding my donations/pledging, hit with the reminder and brutal reality check that most do not care, and since I should be dead several times over esp. after 2015, having a life doesn't really matter
A delay of some travel plans, canceling of others
Abandoning all plans of getting back into music, water and winter recreation
From hopefully learning 6 languages to 2
My goals never being supported as a child, often being called stupid, also plays a part in my reluctance to partake in hobbies and skills that demand a lot out of fear that those past traumas will lead me to giving up as I always have.
Don't even get me started about my self-esteem struggles.
I started a plan to modestly play the lottery with the idea that if I won I'd use the money on big ticket travel and honoring friends, but now that too has changed to prioritize anything futurism. I'm a little delayed because I'm trying to work out something to ensure I can play when I'm out of town for more than 7 days which happens fairly frequently. I'll still look out for friends though.
I'm not going to give up on reading, audio books and music.
I'm still trying to get back into gaming as well.
Thinking it will be cool plus nice bonding, I ditched the ice skating part but am still going to ask my old friend to teach me how to roller blade.
I also brought a bicycle, first time in some 20 years.
As my emotions got healthier, something weird to me happened for the first time in a long time, I cried over the suic*** of someone and the pain of one of their friends, complete strangers with no emotional attachment.
Read more about that here. Unlike this rant, I've only posted this on one place.
Emotional vulnerability Recently I came across this video by chance. - Quora
However, while this will now always be a defining memory of my life, I quickly went back to my general hatred for and distrust in all.
Going back to compound traumas and lack of foundational love, for a brief time I found myself crying to sleep wishing I had someone to platonically cuddle with but within a week or so that was gone too.
Before my hope for any new male bonds waned yet again
*I hope my mental hellscape creeping back up doesn't make me ghost out if they do reply and accept but...
I messaged Kyle looking to potentially chat - basically saying I'm so sorry for his pain/loss, how horrible I feel about learning of him this way, how I've just barely got out of a decade+ of mental hell and hoping we could get to know and help look out for each other in the future.
I emailed someone I met at a Bloodstained Men protest many years ago, simply stating I could use someone to talk to.
Stranger or not, no version of the package I spent months working on will ever be shared with anyone else ever again. It was only meant for 3 old friends but that YouTube guy was a glimmer of hope, proving it was a mistake to try and trust anyone new esp. on such a scale.
I'm going to keep up the various posts I've made looking for new friendship/bromance but my hope is gone. Despite my immense fear of having to face the inevitable death with our current level of technology, my options are just that dire and I cannot afford to become suic*** again so am planning on getting a dog, it will not be for a year or two though and I just hope I don't have a full blown relapse before then. Until then I'll continue researching and planning, to help ensure the longest and healthiest life possible.
Also, all fucks have been long gone, I literally have no reason to lie and no ulterior motives. I don't even want sympathy. My only motivation for posting this is to serve as a lesson to other men. Twice now I'd laid it all out on the line, trying to seek comfort/understanding from others in a dire time of need only to be let down, further proving that most humans ain't shit. The first time was back around 2016-2017. There are way more times I've reached out and been let down, but I can forgive those as they and often even I didn't know just how bad my mental health was.
This is exactly why men suffer in silence, and why when we self-delete many have no idea what we were dealing with and most never explain why. To add insult to injury, even in death we'll get called selfish.
Men talk all this shit about the importance of mental health but won't even be an ear to a man who reaches out to him in need of support and understanding.
Fuck humans. Just get a dog.
The follow up, only on Quora
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