Funny Schmitt

I would eat healthy but then I remember that one time when Eve ate the apple and doomed humanity so idk I better not risk it.

-Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child and we laugh

I hate when kids ask “Why’s the sky blue?” *smh* “FOR THE 100TH TIME ITS QUANTUM RAYLEIGH SCATTERS & LACKING VIOLET PHOTON RECEPTORS IN OUR RETINAE!”

I told my doctor I needed medicinal marijuana. He asked why so I told him it was for my joints.

I'm hosting a lecture for people who have trouble reaching an orgasm. If you cant come... let me know.

So airplanes have officially banned tweezers. Honestly, i think anyone that can hijack the plane with tweezers deserves the airplane.

Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are.

Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can't even.