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Jughead: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Reggie: Why?

Jughead: To get to the idiot's house.

Jughead: Knock knock.

Reggie: Who's there?

Jughead: The chicken.

Reggie: Listen here you little fucker-

protectjugheadjonesiii

Jughead: We are screwed.

Betty: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude, I wanna hear you upbeat!

Jughead: [more upbeat] We are screwed!

Betty: There you go

incorrectrvd

toni, answering the phone: hello?

sweet pea: it’s sweet pea

toni: what did he do this time

sweet pea: no it’s me, sweet pea

toni: what did you do this time

riverdale-incorrect-quotes-deac

Therapist: I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?

Cheryl: No, you misheard me. I said it was a “sadness factory”.

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riverdale-incorrect-quotes-deac

Sheriff Keller [talking to the core four]: Uh, excuse me. Who’s in charge here? 

Archie: Well, usually that’s whoever yells the loudest.

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Jughead: I’m not getting into any more stupid debates with you.

Reggie: Earth is not a planet.

Jughead: How the fuck is earth not a planet?!

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Fred: Are you kids getting enough sleep?

Archie: ..

Veronica: ..

Betty: …

Cheryl: …

Jughead: Sometimes, when I sneeze my eyes close.

unactiveeeeeeessrry

Betty: Juggie I’m cold

Jughead: here have my jacket

Veronica: Archie I’m cold too

Archie: well damn Ronnie! I don’t control the weather!

cruvcio

Hannah was my friend. We should tell the truth about her. Because I know that if I had still been friends with her… I mean, if anyone of us would’ve still been friends with her, she’d be alive today.

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Jeff: I guess I'm just too tough to cry.

Clay: Just today you were crying about snakes.

Jeff, with tears in his eyes: They don't have any arms!

Zach: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

Justin: What if it bites me and it dies?

Zach: That means you're poisonous, Jesus, learn to listen.

Jeff: What if it bites itself and I die?

Alex: That's voodoo.

Marcus: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Zach: That's correlation, not causation.

Jeff: What if we bite each other and neither of us dies?

Justin: That's kinky.

Zach: Oh my God.

Justin: From now on, we will be using codenames. You can address me as "Eagle One".

Justin: Jessica, codename: "Been There, Done That".

Justin: Alex is "Currently Doing That".

Justin: Courtney is "It Happened Once In A Dream".

Justin: Bryce, codename: "If I Had To Pick A Douchebag"

Justin: Zach will be...

Justin: "Eagle Two."

Zach: Oh thank God.

Hannah: Why am I not a banana?

Clay: Because your genetic code dictates you are a human. But it should please you that share 50-60% of your DNA with a banana.

Hannah: Thanks, Clay.

Jeff: ... Are you telling me some people are 10% more banana than other people?

Jeff: It's just a moo point.

Clay: A moo point?

Jeff: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. It's moo.

Clay, to Tony: Have I been friends with him too long or did that all just make sense?

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Tony and Clay working on a car

Tony: What's the stats, Clay?

Clay: ... It seems to run on some form of gas?

Tony: Well, you're not wrong.

[playing truth or dare]

Jeff: Clay, truth or dare?

Clay: Dare.

Jeff: Okay, I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room on the lips. And notice I charitably said "girl" and not "person" because let's face it, I'd smoke all you bitches.

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