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Just went on a college tour today for my bday XD. It like SERIOUSLY makes me have hope that maybe when I go to college I’ll FINALLY have a life long friendship. IVE been craving it for so many years.. hell, I even think a life long friendship from college is worth the debt I’ll be in. Way better than being lonely. I have heard this story from a lot of people, even in my family, and I just become obsessed over the idea. Im actually gonna draw it rn so I’ll probably post pictures who knows. I also need to work on my animation AHHHH I almost forgot.

Anyways have a lovelyy day and if it’s your birthday too while reading this then happy birthday!

#tw rant #college tours

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Im currently on vacation in another place but after this I will have to go back home.. a-and face… 11TH GRADE OH THE HORROR!!!!!! Yes im going to the 11th grade. The good news: IM ALMOST OUT OF SCHOOL FUCK YEAHHHH. Bad news: I still gotta deal with Ts rn😭. They’re even tryna test me in SUMMER. Talking about I have a test that I ALREADY PASSED LIKE WHAT😭😭😭. But unfortunately I gotta go back, But what I will say is im glad I didn’t ruin my reputation… that much… Usually I throw my reputation in flames ACCIDENTALLY. Ive always moved around a lot and due to me usually having a mindset that I will move, along with my problems with strong jealousy and um tendencies to be freaky for some reason… I usually either leave the school with people thinking im..

1. Mentally ill af/ A NUT job

2. A pervert at best 😭

Thankfully I didn’t FUCK myself over because I’m actually staying at my school so I gotta lock in till senior year. But I don’t feel optimistic. Last year I made a few friends… but like they’re not people I’d talk to out of school which is low key sad T-T I would say Im hoping this to be my final breakthrough in making friends but I already know Thats not gonna happen till college so I’m just putting my faith in there😭. Idk I just expect a whole lotta work with a whole lotta loneliness. Which im getting sick of at this point but my people skills are so ass that I feel like I can’t get close to no one like SO ANNOYING.

Anyway Thats it booo fuck school.

#back to school #tw rant #suffering #tw mental illness

Guys I litteraly want a radiostatic or murdermedia themed birthday party for my bday tomorrow but it’s literally a gay ship and they don’t want pay that much so I gotta settle😭😭😭. UGHHHHHHH I WISH MY FAMILY WASN’T SO FRUGAL… but like ok. I mean I wasn’t gonna really do anything anyway bc I don’t go like friends to celebrate with….. My birthday is low-key fading away LMAO. It’s alright anyways if it’s ur birthday while you’re reading this Happy Birthday!!

Oh and this is an example I guess lol (im turning 16 :3) :

#birthday #tw rant #radiostatic

First off I low-key HATE being different from my family, I mean don’t get me wrong I love them I just hate being different from them. At least in terms of interests. I probably wouldn’t have this problem if I had a close friend to talk to alot but… I don’t. And I suspect Im emotionally unstable so that really doesn’t help either. I just see myself as a COMPLETE total weirdo. One can argue I might not be but when you think that way for so long you just can’t let it go. ANYWAY back to why I hate being different from my family.

1. I can barley relate

If you didn’t know, Im poc, specifically African American. And if you are too, then you know there are just universal experiences to being black. Which I can relate with my family on. But after that, there really isn’t much I have in common with them. I still have a good time with them though, but if we’re talking about having a common interest then it’s little to none. And without a friends to relate to on top of that, It makes you feel odd compared to your family. Like you were adopted or something even though you weren’t.

Another thing is that I present my self VERY DIFFERENTLY then what I want to. I specifically want to be goth but when you’re around people who find that strange and odd, it feels like you CANT even be yourself. And let’s not even get into me being pan and possibly playing around with my gender orientation because you know that won’t fly in a Christian household. It’s truly lonely and I SUCK at making friends too so yeah.

2. I am their enemy

Following up on the Christian household thing, presenting myself how I want to will just make me enemy number 1 with them. Will they still love me? Of course. Will they support me? Maybe my mother but other than that HELL NO. Will they think im mentally ill and that the devil caused it? YES!

Well I mean i low-key have autism but couldn’t get a diagnosis EVEN THOUGH my mom’s insurance covered it because she thought they just wanted to make money og me by giving me meds EVEN THOUGH I NEED THAT SHIT SO I WONT SUFFER WITH MY FUCKING EMOTIONS AND SH 😭 But ANYWAY. Yeah they would not support me and would actively try to change me out of love I guess.

Topic 2#??

I really do kinda want to talk about my future for a sec to make me feel better. This rant might sound like my life isnt that good but it really is. I just have MASSIVE frustration and very extreme emotions and jealousy issues??? If you can call it that. IVE been to the mental hospital more than once because of this but Thats for another time if you Really wanna hear it. Moving on to Future.

I hope to go to an art college with like minded people!! I know some people say it’s competitive there but seriously nothing will stop me from drawing because if i stop then I die. But mainly I want to hope to meet my bff there like my mom did. It might not happen.. but hey I could only dream. I also hope to be a really cool animator and hopefully NOT be a problematic artist by letting my emotions get the best of me. Because I realize i am VERY capable of being problematic. It’s like if I was like SLIGHTLY lower on the autism spectrum then I’d probably be a lol cow. Anyway erm if you wanna ask me questions ask and if you wanna be my friend let’s be friends yay ok byeeee

Here’s a cute dog for you ❤️

#tw rant #tw sh talk

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Iam EVIL