I've Got You, Both Of You
Summary: The last thing you expect four weeks after giving birth is to be cheated on but when your friend group come together to help out, things start to take shape again. 3am wake up calls, bedtime routines and milestones are no longer something you have to do alone.
The silence was what got to you the most. Not the crying at 3am or the endless pile of laundry multiplying in the corner of every room. Not even the ache that still lingered through your body a month after giving birth, it was the silence.
For 6 years, your life had always been loud. Loud arguments, loud apologies, loud promises that things would be different this time. You'd met your now ex shortly after moving to New York. You were young, hopeful, and stubborn enough to believe love could fix almost anything, and for a while, you thought it had. The relationship had never been stable, your friends had pointed it out countless times over the years, usually after another breakup.
"You deserve better"
"He keeps doing the same thing"
"Why do you always take him back?"
The answer was always simple, because you loved him, or maybe because you loved the version of him he became for a few weeks after every fight. The version who brought flowers home, who kissed your forehead before going to work, who made you believe the bad times were finally behind you but the cycle would soon start again.
By your sixth year together, you were exhausted, but you also found out you were pregnant, and with that news somehow, for a little while, things actually seemed different. He would come to appointments, you spoke about names, he painted the nursery, he even held your hand during labour. For one moment, you thought maybe becoming parents had changed him, till 4 weeks after your son was born. You walked into your apartment and found another woman standing in your kitchen. You could still remember every detail. You had taken Jacob for his one month check up and to grab some groceries, you came home and saw the half finished wine glasses on the side, the panic on her face, the guilt on his and the baby carrier hanging from your shoulder while your newborn slept peacefully on your chest through the moment your entire relationship shattered.
You didn't scream, you didn't cry, you didn't throw anything, you simply looked at him and realised you were officially done. 6 years, finished. Within hours, his belongings were packed into trash bags and sitting outside the apartment door. He begged, he apologised, he promised but you'd heard it all before. This time, you closed the door and you never opened it again.
The first few weeks afterwards blurred together. Constant routine of feedings, diaper changes, cleaning bottles, changing his clothes, no sleep and repeat. You barely left the apartment, your phone buzzed constantly with texts from friends, missed calls, voicemails. All of them checking in and asking if you were okay, wanting to see Jacob, and why you'd disappeared. You answered one or two, but most of them were left on read because the truth was you weren't okay. You were tired, so unbelievably tired. You looked in the mirror and barely recognised yourself most days. Your hair was constantly tied up, greasy and looking almost matted. Dark circles lived beneath your eyes which you swore grew by the day. Your body felt foreign, all the excess skin, the stretch marks, you wasn't use to it. Your apartment looked like a tornado had passed through it on the best of days. Some days you forgot to eat until late afternoon and other days you remembered and simply didn't have the energy.
Meanwhile, your ex had vanished. Not a visit, not a phone call, not a text asking about his son, nothing. At first, you kept expecting him to show up but then you stopped expecting anything at all. That somehow hurt worse.
One rainy Thursday afternoon, Jacob finally fell asleep after nearly an hour of fussing. You carefully lowered him into his bassinet that was next to you in the living room, held your breath, waited, and when he stayed asleep, you sank onto the couch with a groan. The apartment was dim, illuminated only by the gap in the curtains and the TV. Your phone buzzed against the coffee table and you ignored it, just like you usually did. It buzzed again, and again, and again. With a sigh, you reached over. 3 missed calls and 6 texts all from Becca.
Becca had been your friend for years. One of the first people you'd met after moving to New York. She was persistent, loyal and completely incapable of taking a hint when she thought someone needed help. A new message appeared as you started at the screen.
Becca
If you don't answer me, I'm coming over.
Becca
And yes, that was a threat.
Becca
Can't keep me from seeing my best friend and my mini best friend any longer
For the first time in weeks, a tiny smile tugged at your lips, then your phone rang. Becca. You considered ignoring it, instead, you answered.
There was a dramatic gasp from the other end, "Oh my god she answers!".
You rolled your eyes, "Hi Becca".
"No, absolutely not. We're not doing that. I've been worried sick about you both"
Your gaze drifted toward the bassinet where your son slept peacefully, "I'm fine".
"You sound terrible, I won't lie"
"You know what I mean" And you did. Becca sighed, "Can I come over?".
Part of you wanted to say no, the other part, the lonely part, wanted someone, anyone, to walk through that front door. After a long pause, you finally answered, "Okay".
Becca didn't hesitate, "Good. Be there in 20", then the call ended. You stared at the screen for a moment before setting it down. 20 minutes. 20 minutes until someone finally stepped back into your life. 20 minutes turned into 15. You barely had enough time to wipe your face before a knock sounded at the apartment door.
When you opened it, Becca immediately frowned, "Oh..."
You hated that look. The one people got when they saw you and realised you weren't actually doing okay.
Becca stepped inside, carrying two coffee cups and a paper bag, "You look awful".
A laugh escaped you despite yourself, "Good to see you too".
The apartment was quiet except for the soft hum of the TV. Jacob was asleep in the bassinet beside the couch, blissfully unaware of everything. Becca set the drinks down then she looked at you properly. The oversized sweatshirt, messy hair, dark circles, the clear top of your adult nappy poking through the top of your sweatpants. The way you seemed to be holding yourself together through sheer stubbornness, "Oh, honey".
That was all it took, and the tears came instantly. One second you were standing there and the next you were sobbing into her shoulder. Becca wrapped her arms around you without hesitation as months of emotions came pouring out. You told her everything, you'd been holding so much in that it all just spilled as soon as you started. About Jack, finding him cheating, kicking him out, how he hadn't come to see Jacob once, you cried harder when you said that. Then came how much you hated your body right now, how every stretch mark felt like another reminder of everything that had happened, none of your clothes fit, how you hadn't slept properly in months, the apartment feeling impossible to keep on top of, and finally "I just feel like I'm failing". The words came out broken.
Becca immediately pulled back, "No".
You shook your head, "I am".
"You're keeping a tiny human alive by yourself after being cheated on 4 weeks postpartum. You're exhausted, heartbroken and running on no sleep. That's not failing" Fresh tears slipped down your cheeks and Becca squeezed your hand, "That's surviving". For a long moment neither of you spoke, then she glanced toward the sleeping baby, "Okay".
You sniffed, "Okay what?"
"Okay, here's what's happening, you're going to bed".
"The baby's asleep now but he'll wake up soon"
"I know how bottles work. I looked after my nieces and nephews"
You stared at her, she stared back and eventually you lost. An hour later your head hit the pillow.
For the first time in what felt like forever, you slept, like really slept. No half awake dozing off, or listening out for every tiny noise, just slept like the past few months never happened.
When you finally woke up, sunlight was pouring through the bedroom window and for a second you panicked. Jacob. How long had you been asleep? You shot upright before hearing his noises from the other room, your heart immediately calmed. Slowly, you got out of bed and wandered toward the doorway then stopped. The apartment looked completely different. Not perfect, or from some magazine article, but clean. The dishes were gone, laundry had been folded, empty bottles had been washed and in the steriliser, trash had been taken out, you could have cried. All whilst Jacob laid happily in his swing while Becca made faces at him from the couch.
She looked up, "Oh, sleeping beauty rises". You immediately burst into tears, again. "Oh, come on" Becca groaned affectionately.
"You cleaned everything" You laughed through tears, then cried harder.
Becca stood and hugged you, "You don't have to thank me at all".
She rolled her eyes and you looked around once more, noticing several grocery bags lined neatly along the kitchen counter, "You bought groceries?".
"You didn't have to do that"
"You had half a carton of VERY expired milk, ketchup and a questionable lettuce"
You wiped your eyes. At this point crying felt like your full time hobby.
Becca pointed toward the bathroom, "Right. Go shower".
"Go shower. Wash your hair. Put on clean clothes"
You looked down at yourself, she wasn't wrong, it was needed.
"I'll stay here. Look after him"
"I know I don't, but I'm going to"
The simple response made your chest ache because she genuinely didn't have to do any of this, yet she had done, all day, with no complaints.
An hour later, after the longest shower of your life, you stepped back into the living room feeling almost human again. Fresh clothes, clean hair, a full stomach thanks to the sandwich Becca and forced into you. For the first time in months, your shoulders didn't feel quite so heavy.
Becca grinned, "Tomorrow we're going to lunch. Our treat".
"We? Our? Becca..." You groaned.
She ignored you, "I've already arranged it".
"It's just everyone. You're fine"
Everyone. Your small little friend group. A few who had become family over the years. All which you hadn't seen properly since you came home with Jacob. The people you had accidentally shut out.
You glanced toward your sleeping son, then back to Becca, "I don't know".
"I'll probably spend the entire lunch talking about baby poop"
"Then we'll talk about baby poop"
You laughed. The first one that didn't feel forced. And surprisingly, the idea didn't sound terrible the more you thought about it. Getting out, seeing people, feeling like yourself again even if it's for a few hours. "Okay" you finally said.
Becca's face lit up, "Yeah?".
You shook your head, "You planned this before even asking me, didn't you? I didn't have a choice".
"Absolutely I did. And so you don't have to relive the entire thing, I will tell them if you want. Everything that's happened, I can't have you crying again, we'll get you better".
You just smiled and nodded. And despite everything that had happened over the last few months, for the first time in a very long while, you found yourself actually looking forward to tomorrow, but that was all night dependant...and well, the night wasn't perfect. Jacob still woke every few hours demanding a bottle with the determination only babies seemed to have for their own schedule, but somehow it felt different. The apartment wasn't suffocatingly messy anymore, and when morning came, you realised something strange. You hadn't woken up crying for the first time in months. You just laid there for a moment, staring at the ceiling while Jacob laid staring from the bedside crib at you. You still felt heavily tired, but today it just felt somewhat manageable.
The walk to the brunch place wasn't far. A cool breeze drifted through the street while Jacob slept peacefully beneath the hood of the pram. Your stomach twisted the closer you got because it had been so long since you'd seen everyone that part of you was worried it would be awkward and that you'd somehow forgotten how to be around people. But when you reached the restaurant, through the front window you could already see them. Everybody waiting. The second you stepped through the door, conversations stopped, every head turned and immediately you were met with the kindest smiles imaginable. The sort that carried concern, relief, affection and understanding all at once. Your eyes instantly started stinging, "Oh no" you muttered to yourself.
Becca was already standing and before you could say anything, she wrapped her arms around you and hugged you tightly, "I'm so glad you came" followed by everyone else pulling you into warm embraces and giving Jacob a fuss. There wasn't one question or one awkward comment. Just genuine happiness that you were there. By the time you finally reached your seat, your eyes were already suspiciously glossy, Becca gently took the pram from you, "I've got him, you sit". You sat down and the familiar chatter you missed filled the table along with the smell of coffee, the sound of cutlery and the comforting normality of it all. You looked around, at your friends, your family. People who had spent years building a life beside you and never stopped checking in despite you disappearing, and suddenly the emotional dam within you broke, "Oh for god's sake" you laughed through tears, "I swear it's the hormones". Immediately everyone started smiling sympathetically. "I'm sorry" you said, wiping your face.
"No you're not" Sam said.
You laughed again while tears continued falling, "It's embarrassing".
"It isn't" Amanda said gently.
"You've cried three times in front of me this week" Becca pointed out from beside the pram.
"Only three? That's pretty good for me"
That earned a round of laughter from the table and the tension eased instantly. You rubbed at your eyes again, "Sorry".
"No apologising" Wes said.
"Yeah" Adam added, "We're implementing a no apology policy".
Across the table, Joe had been quietly watching. Not judging or pitying, just watching to make sure you're okay. When your eyes finally met his, he offered a small smile, the kind that always seemed to calm people down. You attempted to return it even though your lip was wobbling, and Joe reached across the table, his hand settling gently over yours. The simple gesture nearly setting you off again, "Hey".
You swallowed hard, "Hey".
"Everything's gonna be okay you know?"
The words weren't dramatic or in the form of some grand speech, but they made you feel steady. Your eyes filled again, "Oh my god".
"See?" Joe laughed, "I can't say anything".
Everyone else joined in laughing with him. You covered your face, "I hate all of you".
"No you don't" Poppy said.
"No" you admitted, "I really don't".
Joe squeezed your hand gently, "You know where we all are".
"If you need someone to hold him while you sleep, call"
You glanced toward the pram where Becca was gently rocking Jacob without a second thought.
The lump in your throat that grew by the second became impossible to ignore. Because for months you'd convinced yourself you were alone, that asking for help would make you a burden and that everyone had their own lives to worry about, yet here they all were. Showing up again and again, waiting patiently for you to let them in.
You looked around the table once more. At Becca making silly faces towards Jacob, Adam and Wes arguing over something, Amanda and Sam already discussing what everyone should order, Poppy reaching over to hand you a napkin before you could even ask, at Joe, still sitting opposite, offering a reassuring smile. And for the first time since everything happened with Jack, you didn't feel abandoned, or alone, just loved. The realisation of it all made fresh tears roll down your cheeks and a groan escaped the entire table, "Oh, come on" Wes complained dramatically. You burst out laughing, and this time, when everyone laughed with you, it felt a little easier to breathe.
You were so determined not to spend the entire brunch talking about yourself. The support had been nice, more than nice, but the last thing you wanted was for the whole gathering to become some kind of intervention. So after answering a few questions and assuring everyone that yes, you were eating again, and yes, you had actually slept for more than two consecutive hours, you quickly waved a hand, "Enough about me please".
"No, seriously" you laughed, "My life is currently bottles, diapers, myself included, and trying to remember whether I've brushed my teeth. Someone tell me something interesting".
Thankfully, everyone seemed happy to move on. Poppy immediately launched into a story about work that had the entire table laughing within minutes. Amanda followed with updates from her own life, sharing stories about coworkers, terrible meetings, and a recent disaster involving coffee and a very expensive laptop. You found yourself smiling more and more. It felt normal. For a little while you could just sit there and listen and not think about Jack, or bills, or sleepless nights. Eventually the conversation shifted toward the boys, you glanced between Joe, Sam, Wes and Adam.
"So" you said, "What have you lot been doing?".
Sam groaned dramatically, "Sleeping. A lot of it".
"That's literally it right now" Adam agreed.
Wes nodded, "We just finished tour".
"You say that like it was easy" Joe laughed.
"I think I slept for about 12 hours straight the first day back" Sam called.
"12?" Wes scoffed, "Amateur".
The group laughed and the conversation drifted toward stories from the road, crowds, travel, funny backstage moments and the exhaustion that came with weeks of performing. You listened quietly, genuinely enjoying hearing about something completely different from your own life.
Joe shrugged, "Rest, then eventually start writing again".
"Eventually?" Sam repeated, "You'll be texting ideas at 3am within a week".
"You aren't wrong. They've got to go somewhere"
You smiled into your coffee. It was strange, a year ago, this kind of conversation would've felt completely normal but now it felt like hearing stories from another world. Tour buses and concerts seemed impossibly far away from bottles and baby wipes. And as if reading your thoughts, a small noise came from the pram beside the table. Everyone instantly gathered to look over as Jacob stretched, made an adorable sleepy face then settled right back down. The entire table collectively melted.
"Oh my god" Amanda whispered.
"He looks just like you" Poppy agreed.
"He's lucky he's cute" Becca added.
Joe leaned slightly to peek into the pram, the sight immediately softened his expression. And without thinking, you smiled, "You know" you said casually, "Jacob's first concert is definitely going to be one of yours".
"I mean, obviously. How else is he going to believe the stories about how much of a fun life his uncles live?"
The table erupted instantly.
"Aww, Joe's going to cry"
"Oh that's adorable"
"Why is that actually really sweet"
Joe looked genuinely caught off guard. His cheeks turning slightly pink, "Seriously?".
"Yeah!" You looked over at Jacob, "Seems only fair".
Joe laughed quietly, "I feel weirdly honored by that".
"I'll take that responsibility very seriously when it finally happens"
"Little man deserves a good and memorable first concert"
"Exactly, so no pressure. From either of us"
Everyone laughed again. Joe shook his head, still smiling. He glanced toward Jacob sleeping peacefully, the expression on his face was unexpectedly fond, like he'd already decided he would protect this kid with his life. Honestly, most of your friends seemed to feel that way. Maybe you weren't doing this alone, maybe you never had been.
The brunch stretched on for another hour before people gradually began gathering jackets, paying bills and making plans for the next time everyone would meet. For once, you didn't feel desperate to rush home. You actually felt... lighter. As everyone started saying their goodbyes, you stood with Jacob's pram beside you while the group slowly filtered out onto the sidewalk.
Amanda hugged you first, "Text me if you need literally anything, please"
"I'll try" You laughed and hugged her tighter.
One by one everyone said goodbye until eventually it was just you, Becca, Joe, and a sleeping Jacob. Becca immediately crouched beside the pram, "Look at him".
"He slept through most of brunch which I'm glad" you silently huff.
Becca stood and turned to you, "Are you okay?".
You knew what she was really asking. Would you be okay alone tonight? Would the apartment feel overwhelming again? Would you disappear for another few weeks?
You smiled softly, "I'll be okay".
"Yeah. Today's really helped"
She studied you for a second before nodding, "Alright", then she pointed at you, "But I'm coming over the day after tomorrow".
You laughed, "I don't doubt you for one minute".
Becca pulled you into another hug, "I'm serious. Call me if you need anything between now and then, no matter the time".
You groaned, "That one is impossible".
She laughed and kissed your cheek, finally stepping back, "Love you".
A few moments later she disappeared down the street, leaving you standing beside Joe, he looked down at the pram, "Want some help getting home?".
You smiled, "You don't have to".
"I know I don't but I want to"
The exact same words Becca had used yesterday and something warm settled in your chest, "That'd be nice".
"No problem" And just like that, the two of you started the walk back. The journey wasn't long and Jacob remained asleep the entire time. Joe pushed the pram alongside you while the two of you walked at an easy pace, "I can't wait to see articles online tomorrow about how I have a kid now".
"Still happening huh? Fame really hasn't died down?"
"God no, worse if you ask me. I can't go get coffee without bumping into someone or someone taking a picture"
You always did feel sorry for him in that regard, unable to somewhat go out and live a normal life without anyone judging or criticising him. Nothing more was bought up about it, they just continued to walk and it was surprisingly comfortable. Talking about random things like the weather, movies, some restaurant they just passed, it was nice. By the time you reached your apartment building, you found yourself smiling more than you had in months. "Home sweet home" Joe announced and you rolled your eyes in response.
He held the front door open while you stepped inside, helping to carry the pram up the small flight of steps without even asking, "Joe".
"You don't need to carry that"
"I know I don't" You shook your head at his stubborness.
When you unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside, a small sense of relief washed over you. For the first time in a long time, coming home didn't fill you with dread. The place was tidy, warm, feeling actually lived in and somewhere you didn't feel ashamed of bringing somebody else in to.
Joe wheeled the pram inside, "Wow".
"It looks nice. I haven't been over in a while"
You laughed, "Thanks to Becca".
"Remind me never to get on her bad side"
A few minutes later Jacob finally began stirring, right on cue. You glanced at the clock, "Food time".
Joe nodded, "Do you uh, need help?".
"I'll be okay, thank you though. You guys have done enough for me"
You moved automatically now and didn't think about what came next. Bottle, boiling water, formula, cooling, all a familiar routine. Joe appeared in the kitchen next to you, "What are you doing?".
"You don't know where anything is"
"It's not the biggest place in the world, I am sure I can find things"
A few minutes later, Joe appeared in the living area where you had Jacob nestled against your chest, holding two cups of coffee. Jacob was already focused entirely on his bottle, his tiny hands curled around your fingers whilst he drank. Joe sat beside you on the sofa watching with genuine fascination. "You know" he said quietly, "I don't think I'll ever get over how small babies are".
You looked down, "He feels huge now".
"That's because you're with him every day. Last time I saw him he was like two days old" Joe shook his head, "He's tiny".
A laugh escaped you, Joe's soft side in full force. Jacob finished eating surprisingly quickly, then after a short burp and a brief protest about being moved, he settled into his moses basket and, miraculously stayed asleep.
You both stared, "Did we just witness a miracle?" Joe whispered.
"Don't say it too loud otherwise when he wakes, you'll be the one putting him down"
"Sorry" Joe immediately lowered his voice, "My mistake".
The apartment fell quiet, just the hum of the refrigerator and the occasional noise from outside drifting through the windows. You curled your hands around your coffee mug and for once, there wasn't anything demanding your attention. No bottles to be made, no diapers to change, no laundry waiting to be done, just living in a peaceful moment and Joe sitting comfortably beside you.
After a while he glanced over, "How are you really doing? Just us".
You considered it honestly. A few weeks ago the answer would've been terrible, and a few days ago probably not much better but now...you looked toward Jacob sleeping peacefully and around your apartment, "Tired, but coping somewhat. Didn't picture doing this all by myself so I'm still figuring things out, but better".
"Yeah" And for the first time, you actually meant it.
Joe smiled into his coffee, "Good. You know, I've been worried about you".
The admission of it caught you off guard. You looked over, Joe was staring down into his mug, almost embarrassed he'd said it, "You have?".
"Of course" Joe looked up, "We all were".
You nodded slowly. Sitting there on the sofa, coffee growing cold in your hands while Jacob slept peacefully nearby, you realised how much you'd missed this. Not just the friendship or the company but just simply having someone there who wasn't asking anything from you, and wanted to sit beside you to make sure you were okay.
As the afternoon went on and the sunlight started to slip down into somewhat of a sunset, conversation drifted back to easier things for a while, mainly Jacob as Joe was curious. The fact that Jacob somehow managed to sleep through almost anything when out in public, yet seemed to possess a sixth sense for knowing the exact moment you sat down to relax at home.
Joe found that particularly amusing, "He waits until you're comfortable?"
"Every single time. Worse on a night"
"That's actually kind of impressive"
"You have him for 24 hours and get back to me on that"
Joe laughed into his coffee, the sound settling warmly through the apartment. You were staring into your mug when Joe spoke, "What happened with Jack? If I can ask...".
The question wasn't nosy, or him being judgmental which is what you kind of thought it would be, but he gave you room to answer or not. A few weeks ago you would've shut down immediately but today felt different. You looked toward Jacob's basket to see him still sound asleep, "I caught him cheating".
The words came out surprisingly easily, and Joe's expression immediately changed just as easily. It was more disappointed than shocked, I mean as much as your friends didn't like him, he still became part of the group at times on social occassions.
"4 weeks after Jacob was born"
Joe blinked, the disappointment turning into disbelief, "Jesus..."
A humorless laugh escaped you, "Yeah".
For a moment, Joe just sat there, processing the answer that you gave him.
Then quietly asked, "How did you find out?"
The memory didn't hurt quite as sharply today, but it still hurt, just not enough to stop you talking. "I'd taken Jacob out for a check up appointment. When I came home there was another woman in the apartment". Joe swore softly under his breath, you couldn't even blame him. Looking back, the whole thing sounded ridiculous like something from a bad movie. "I remember thinking I'd walked into the wrong apartment for a second"
Joe shook his head slowly, "Your kidding?".
"No" You let out another small laugh, "I genuinely checked the apartment number".
His face somehow managed to look even sadder because that was probably the most heartbreaking part. Not the cheating, but the confusion and the complete inability to comprehend what you were seeing.
"I packed his stuff that same hour"
Joe looked up, "Seriously?"
"None" The answer came instantly.
Joe stared at you for a second, then nodded "Good. I'm sorry it happened". He leaned back against the sofa, "But I'm glad you didn't stay with him. You deserved better before Jacob". His gaze shifted briefly toward the sleeping baby, "You definitely deserved better after".
You looked away, focusing on the coffee mug in your hands, "He hasn't even seen him since he's been gone".
Your voice came out quieter this time, "He hasn't seen him". The words hurt more than talking about the cheating. "He hasn't called, hasn't visited, nothing".
Joe's jaw tightened and the apartment suddenly felt very quiet, the only sound was Jacob's soft breathing nearby. Joe looked toward the basket, then back at you. His expression was impossible to miss. Anger. Not at you, but the situation, Jack, at someone choosing not to show up for their child. You found yourself rushing to soften it, "I mean, maybe it's for the best".
Joe immediately shook his head, "No. It's probably for the best that he's not around if he's going to hurt you".
You stared at him, "But that's not the same thing".
He glanced toward Jacob again, "Every kid deserves someone who wants to be there".
The words settled heavily between you, because they were true, painfully true. You'd spent months trying to convince yourself it didn't matter because Jacob was too young to know and that you could make up for it somehow.
Joe seemed to understand exactly what you were thinking, "You know what I see?".
He pointed toward the Moses basket, "I see a little guy who's got a mom that loves him more than anything". Your eyes immediately burned and Joe continued before you could interrupt, "I see someone who gets up every two hours to feed him, I see someone who's exhausted but still doing everything she can to provide the best life for him".
The tears were definitely coming back now.
"I'm serious" He smiled softly, "From where I'm sitting, he's doing pretty well".
You looked away before he could see how emotional that made you, but unfortunately, Joe had known you long enough to notice anyway. A laugh escaped him, "Here we go again".
"Oh shut up" You wiped at your eyes.
The afternoon somehow started to slip away from you. One minute you and Joe were sitting on the sofa talking, the next Jacob was waking up, announcing his presence with a series of increasingly dramatic noises. "Uh oh" Joe said. You laughed, followed by another diaper chanage and a bottle. And then, for the first time all day, Jacob was actually awake enough to interact with the world, or at least stare at it very seriously. Joe ended up sitting on the floor while Jacob laid on a play mat between you. The sight alone nearly made you laugh. A grown man who had performed in front of thousands of people sitting on your living room rug making ridiculous noises at a 10 week old. The funniest part? Jacob seemed fascinated by him.
"Oh, so he likes you" You smile.
Joe looked offended, "Of course he likes me. Why wouldn't he?".
Jacob chose that exact moment to let out a happy little smile. Joe immediately pointed, "There, see!" followed by a huge grin. The playtime continued until Jacob yawned which meant you knew what was coming. The evening fussiness, the refusal to sleep despite desperately needing sleep, the same battle you fought almost every night. Except tonight it never came, because after another bottle, Joe casually lifted him into his arms, "I've got him".
You watched from the sofa while he paced slowly around the living room. Talking quietly, rocking gently, and not even five minutes later, Jacob's eyes drifted shut and you couldn't believe the sight in front you, "He never does that...".
Joe glanced at the sleeping baby, then back at you, "Maybe he likes my stories?".
"I was telling him about Adam losing his suitcase in Mexico"
You laughed, "Thrilling".
"Well apparently so!" Carefully, Joe lowered Jacob into his cot, he barely stirred and the apartment felt at peace. Both of you just watching him sleep, then eventually Joe checked his phone, he sighed dramatically, "I should probably head home". Your face fell slightly before you could stop it, and Joe noticed immediately. "I'll see you again soon, promise" The smile he gave you was gentle.
Still, it was hard because today had been the first day in months that hadn't felt overwhelmingly lonely. The apartment was dim now, evening settling outside the windows, you walked Joe over to the door as he grabbed his jacket, "Thank you for today".
He shook his head, "You don't need to thank me".
"You really don't. It's what friends are for"
The words caught slightly in your throat, "Today was..." You searched for the right phrase, "I really needed today".
Joe's expression softened, "You deserve days like this".
You looked down for a second before meeting his eyes again. The gratitude felt impossible to put into words. Not just for today, but for everything, checking in, showing up, helping with Jacob, helping carry some of the weight of everything without ever making you feel guilty for needing it.
Your eyes drifted toward the living room where Jacob slept peacefully, then back to Joe, "We're lucky".
Joe smiled, "You don't have to-"
"No" You cut him off softly, "We are, Jacob and I".
Something flickered across Joe's face, a mixture of warmth and emotion.
"You, Becca, everyone" You swallowed, "We're really lucky to have people like you".
The apartment suddenly felt very still. Joe's smile was smaller now but more genuine, reaching his eyes as he stared at you, "I think we're pretty lucky too".
Your chest tightened, enough to remind you how long it had been since someone had made you feel valued and not like a burden. Joe stepped forward and pulled you into a hug and without thinking, you hugged him back immediately. You felt so safe, it was the kind of hug that said you're not doing this alone. When he finally pulled away, he smiled, "Text me if you need anything".
You laughed, "You've said".
A moment later he was gone. The apartment door clicked shut behind him and for the first time, the silence didn't feel so overwhelming. You wandered back into the living room and watch Jacob fast asleep through the monitor, the rise and fall of his chest immediately soothing you. You sat down on the sofa, pulling a blanket around yourself and caught up on some TV you had been meaning to do for weeks.
Your phone buzzed with a message from Joe.
Joe
Tell Jacob I expect him at his first concert
You
He's already your biggest fan
The next few months passed far quicker than you expected. Somehow, life found a rhythm. Not a perfect one but a good one. Jacob grew every single day that it felt impossible sometimes. One minute he was a tiny newborn who fit against your chest, and the next he was sitting up with support, grabbing anything within reach and babbling endlessly about absolutely nothing with next to no naps throughout the day. 6 months old. You still couldn't quite believe you survived 6 months. Some days were still hard. There were moments you caught your reflection and still struggled with the changes pregnancy had left behind like the softer stomach, the stretch marks, the body that felt different from the one you had before, but this time the hatred wasn't there, not like it had been because everytime you looked at Jacob, smiling up at you with those chubby cheeks, it became harder to resent the body that had brought him into the world.
You were learning, slowly, to be kinder to yourself and thankfully, you weren't doing it alone. The friend group became a constant with weekly dinners, weekend lunches, movie nights, coffee hangs. Your apartment somehow became everyone's unofficial meeting place. Not that you minded, it was easier whilst you got Jacob ready for the day instead of stressing you would be late showing up everywhere. Your apartment was full of laughter again, full of life, and Joe? Well, Joe somehow became one of the biggest part of your routine whilst he was still home and not out travelling. Every few days there'd be a knock on the door, sometimes with coffee, sometimes with food, sometimes with absolutely no reason whatsoever. He'd simply show up and announce go take a shower, or go nap, to which you usually responded with a glare than did exactly what he suggested. Not because he told you to, but you trusted him enough to leave Jacob in his hands, and whenever you came back, Jacob was the happiest baby you had ever seen. Usually laughing and becoming increasingly obsessed with Joe.
It soon became a running joke. The second Joe walked through the door, Jacob's entire face lit up. "Why don't you do that with me! That's rude!" you told him one afternoon. Joe looked very pleased with himself as Jacob wouldn't take his eyes off him. Today was another one of those afternoons, sunlight covered the apartment while Jacob sat in his highchair looking extremely confused about life. A bowl of baby food sat on the tray with Joe sat beside him armed with a tiny spoon and too much confidence, "I feel pressured to do this right".
"You should. You're feeding him his first taste of real food".
Joe looked at Jacob, Jacob looked at Joe, then immediately tried to eat the spoon.
You burst out laughing, "Good start".
Joe was laughing too, "I think he's a natural".
For the next 10 minutes, the two of them somehow made weaning look like the world's messiest activity. Food ended up everywhere. Jacob's face, Jacob's bib, Joe's shirt, the tray, the floor, possibly the ceiling, you genuinely weren't sure, you were just the cameraman today.
Eventually you handed Joe a cloth, "You've got carrot on your face".
"Your cheek" Joe wiped the wrong side, "The other one". He wiped his forehead and you laughed harder, "How do you function independently?".
"That really explains a lot"
Jacob squealed happily, clearly enjoying the chaos. The sight of them together made something warm settle in your chest because Joe never looked like he was helping out of obligation. He genuinely enjoyed being here, enjoyed being around Jacob, and Jacob absolutely adored him.
As if sensing your thoughts, you smiled, "You know...".
"You're really good with him"
His expression softened as he looked down at Jacob who was now attempting to grab Joe's fingers.
"I like him. He's a cool little guy"
You watched them together for a moment, then casually asked, "So are you seeing anyone?".
The question seemed to surprise him, but he laughed, "No. Haven't for a while".
You frowned slightly and he leaned back slightly, "I think life just got busy". His gaze drifted toward Jacob, "Touring, making music, acting, everything else" He shrugged, "Guess I never met the right person".
The answer felt strangely honest, very truthful, and you found yourself asking the next question before thinking too much about it, "What about kids?".
Joe's eyes immediately moved back to Jacob who was now happily banging a spoon against the tray. The smile that appeared was impossible to miss, "Yeah i'd love kids". The answer came without any hesitation.
Something about that made your chest tighten unexpectedly, "Yeah?".
"Absolutely" Joe laughed quietly, "I always have".
You looked at him, then at Jacob, then back at him, "You'd be a good dad".
Joe blinked, clearly caught off guard, but smiled, "Thanks".
You meant it. Every word. Because over the last few months you'd watched him show up over and over again without being asked and without expecting anything, and just because he cared. And before you could say anything else, a knock sounded at the apartment door. 3 sharp knocks. Both of you looked up, Jacob immediately stopped hitting his spoon and the apartment fell silent.
Joe frowned, "Expecting someone?"
The knock came again, but louder this time and suddenly your stomach suddenly twisted. The group always texted first, nobody just turned up unless it was Joe, not after everything that happened. A strange feeling settled heavily in your chest and Joe must've noticed because he was already standing before you were because concern replaced the easy smile he'd worn moments ago, "Let me get it".
You swallowed as another knock echoed through the apartment, and suddenly you weren't sure you wanted to know who was standing on the other side of that door.
The moment you heard the voice through the door, your blood ran cold, "Can I just talk to her?".
Every muscle in your body locked. No. No. No.
For months, nothing. Not a text, a phone call, a birthday card, not a single attempt to see his son, and now he was standing outside your apartment. Jacob squealed happily beside you, completely unaware of the sudden storm that had swept through the room.
Your eyes immediately found Joe's as he was already looking back at you from the doorway, the colour draining from your face. You slowly shook your head. You didn't want this. You didn't want to see him. You didn't want to hear excuses. You didn't want apologies. You had fought too hard to get back to where you were now.
Joe nodded immediately with no questions asked. He turned back toward the door, "You need to leave".
There was a pause, "What?"
"She doesn't want to talk to you"
Jack scoffed from the other side, "That's not your decision".
"No" Joe replied calmly, "It's hers and she's said no".
Your hands tightened around the edge of the highchair as Jacob continued banging his spoon happily. The contrast felt surreal.
Then Joe spoke again, "You need to leave".
"No" For the first time, Joe's voice carried an edge you'd never heard before, in a protective kind of way.
You could hear Jack's frustration growing, "That's my son in there".
Something dark flashed across Joe's face. The kind of anger that came from months of watching someone you cared about suffer, "Your son?".
The apartment suddenly felt very quiet. Jack didn't respond and Joe laughed once, "Interesting". You'd never seen him angry before. "Because from what I've heard, you've had months to be his father".
Joe continued, "Months. You didn't call, you didn't visit, you didn't show up, and now you decide to turn up at her door?"
"No" The response was immediate, "Not a chance".
You could hear Jack shifting outside growing more irritated, "This has nothing to do with you".
Joe glanced over his shoulder at you and Jacob. At the life that had been rebuilt inside these walls, then he looked back at the door, "It does when I watched her pick herself up after what you did to her. I've been here almost everyday and you've what?". The words hit you unexpectedly because he was right, Joe had watched you. He'd seen the exhaustion, the crying, the loneliness, the days you barely functioned. "I've watched her do every feed, every sleepless night, raise him by herself".
The apartment blurred slightly, tears forming at his words.
"And now she's finally happy. So no, you don't get to show up here and demand anything".
A long pause followed, then Jack finally spoke. "What if I want to see him?"
You stopped breathing and Joe's expression didn't change. "Then you should've thought about that 6 months ago, have fun in court trying"
Jack swore. Loudly. Your entire body tensed and immediately Joe stepped slightly in front of the doorway as some form of barrier between your apartment and the chaos unfolding outside.
"You can't stop me" Jack raised his voice.
"No" Joe nodded, "But she can"
Then Jack tried one last time, "Tell her I just want 5 minutes".
Joe looked back at you, you shook your head again. You didn't owe him that. Not today, not ever. Not after everything.
"Yeah, seriously" The door shut. Hard. The lock sliding into place, and just like that it was over. A few muffled words echoed from the hallway before eventually fading into nothing. Joe stood there for a moment listening in to make sure he was actually gone, only when he was satisfied did he finally turn around.
Your eyes were already full of tears because truthfully, the entire thing had shaken you. Joe crossed the room immediately, "Hey".
You laughed shakily, "Of course today was going well". A watery laugh escaped you as Jacob chose that exact moment to squeal and throw his spoon onto the floor. Both of you looked at him, he looked extremely pleased with himself. The ridiculousness of it broke the tension instantly. A laugh escaped Joe, then one escaped you and soon the three of you were laughing. Joe picked up the spoon and Jacob immediately threw it again.
"You know" Joe said, watching it hit the floor. "I think he might be a menace".
"Definitely a menace, and it's not from me"
Joe looked over at you as the concern hadn't completely left his eyes, "You okay?".
You thought about it honestly. A few months ago, Jack showing up would've destroyed you. Today? Today felt different because you weren't alone anymore. You looked around your apartment, at the toys, the photos, the life you'd built, Jacob, Joe still standing there making sure you were alright.
You smiled softly, "Yeah".
Joe's shoulders visibly relaxed, "Good".
That night, after Joe left, the apartment felt quiet again. Jacob was asleep in his crib after a surprisingly easy bedtime, and you sat curled up on the sofa with a blanket over your legs, staring at a movie you weren't really watching. Your mind kept drifting back to the front door, Jack, his voice, the audacity of him showing up. At first you'd thought it had upset you because you still loved him, but the longer you sat there, the more you realised that wasn't it at all. You weren't heartbroken or longing for him. You were angry. For years you'd spent so much energy being sad. Sad he cheated, sad he left, sad Jacob didn't have the father you'd imagined, sad that things hadn't worked out. But now? Now you were angry. Angry he'd missed every sleepless night, every bottle, every doctor's appointment, every milestone. Angry he'd walked away from his son and then somehow expected to be welcomed back. For the first time, you weren't grieving the relationship. You were seeing it clearly.
The friend group found out the next morning. You'd barely finished your coffee before your phone exploded. Joe had mentioned it in the group chat.
Joe
Jack showed up at her apartment yesterday.
That was all it took. Your phone became unusable.
Sam
Address please. I just wanna talk.
Becca
Actually 10 minutes because I can't find my keys.
The concern only got more ridiculous from there. Amanda arrived two days later with enough food to feed a family of 6. Adam checked your front door lock. Wes bought Jacob a stuffed dinosaur for emotional support, the dinosaur was almost as big as Jacob. And somehow the most ridiculous thing of all was the creation of a new group chat.
The title? Jacob Appreciation Society. The sole purpose? Photos. Hundreds of them. Sleeping, eating, laughing, wearing funky hats, looking confused, holding a banana. The group was obsessed, particularly Joe, which led to a very specific problem.
A week later, you were in the kitchen, Jacob on your hip when you heard a familiar knock, then the door opening, "Ooo, who is it Jacob?".
Without a single word being exchanged, you turned, Joe was kicking off his shoes and immediately made a beeline for Jacob. The routine had become second nature. You didn't even think about it anymore. Meanwhile Jacob had spotted Joe, the reaction was immediate. His entire face lit up and a delighted squeal echoed through the apartment.
"Oh wow. Someone has their big boy voice on today" You heard Joe laugh. Another squeal, you smiled to yourself.
With coffee mugs in hand freshly made, you walked back into the living room. Joe was already sitting on the floor and Jacob was trying to climb directly into his lap.
You handed him his coffee. He took one sip before complimenting it like he does everytime.
The warmth that settled in your chest felt far too familiar these days. Before you could think about it too much, your phone buzzed.
You
Door's open. Joe's here.
10 minutes later, Becca walked inside without knocking. "Hello-" She stopped. The scene in front of her clearly wasn't helping. Joe was carrying Jacob around the apartment with one arm, coffee in the other hand talking absolute nonsense to him.
"And this is the kitchen". Jacob giggled. "A very important room. Mama makes your food in here". More giggling.
Becca slowly looked at you, then at Joe, then back at you, "...No".
"What?" You were straight out confused.
You groaned and Joe looked confused, "What about us?".
Becca stared at him, at Jacob in his arms, then at you holding his coffee mug because he'd handed it off while adjusting Jacob, then at the fact he was currently wearing one of the spare burp cloths over his shoulder because Jacob had spit up on him earlier.
Her eyes widened, "It's all very...homey" she gestured with her hands, "You know you're basically co-parenting at this point, right?".
Silence. Complete silence. Joe dropped the burp cloth, "What?"
You looked horrified, "No!"
Joe shook his head immediately, "I'm not co-parenting"
"You know where the diapers are. You know his bedtime routine. You know what bottles he likes"
Joe opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, "...that's still different".
The room fell silent. Becca looked between everyone in the room, then settled on Jacob who was currently sitting happily on Joe's hip like he'd lived there his entire life, "Oh, this is cute".
You buried your face in your hands, Joe looked equally horrified.
Becca laughed so hard she had to sit down. Neither of you were willing to admit it and the worst part? Nobody had a good explanation for why Jacob immediately started crying the second Joe handed him back, and why he instantly stopped when Joe picked him up again.
A few weeks after Becca's relentless teasing, life settled back into its usual rhythm. Jacob continued growing at an alarming rate. You continued pretending not to notice how much easier parenting felt when you had an entire army of people helping you and Joe continued showing up every few days like clockwork. Some mornings it was coffee, some afternoons it was lunch, some evenings he'd sit on your living room floor building towers out of soft blocks while Jacob destroyed them immediately. It was normal now which was probably why the news hit harder than you expected.
The whole group was at dinner when Joe mentioned it casually, "I've been offered something".
"What kind of something?" Adam asked.
Joe shrugged, "A film project".
You smiled, "That's amazing".
Something about the way he said it made you glance over. Joe wasn't smiling, at least not fully.
"What's wrong with it? Why don't you seem all in?" Becca asked.
Everyone immediately turned toward him, Joe rubbed the back of his neck, "It's long".
You just stared at him, "A few months?"
Joe nodded. Your smile stayed in place, mostly.
"That's incredible!" Amanda beamed.
"It is" He genuinely meant that.
"You deserve it" and you meant it when you said it. This was good news, a huge opportunity, something he'd worked incredibly hard for. So why did your chest suddenly feel weird?
The rest of the table quickly launched into questions. When? Where? What would he be doing?
You listened, smiled, joined the conversation, but a small part of you kept thinking the same thing.
A few months of no visits, help with Jacob, no Joe. The realisation was uncomfortable and you didn't like how uncomfortable.
Later that night, after everyone had gone their seperate ways, you found yourself standing in the kitchen cleaning bottles. Joe came back to yours with you and Jacob, helped put him to sleep and was helping put things away after you in the kitchen. The two of you moving around each other with the ease that came from doing it a hundred times before.
You glanced up, "So are you"
"Yeah..I guess you're not wrong"
You dried your hands, "So, when do you leave?"
Joe hesitated, "Couple of weeks"
The answer hit harder than it should have and you immediately hated that, "That's soon",
The apartment felt strangely heavy, silence broken by Jacob waking up and babbling through the monitor, you put the towel down, "I should go check on him", and Joe just nodded.
The moment passed, life moved on, but the thought remained. Days went by, Joe hadn't been round since the night of dinner, the mention of meetings and industry bits that need sorting before he left. You understood, it was his job at the end of the day, but then Jacob got sick.
Properly sick. Not just a cold or teething. Sick. It started with a fever, then came the crying non-stop, the clinginess, the refusal to eat, you spent the entire day worrying, the entire evening worrying and by 3am, after almost being up for 36 hours, you were exhausted. Jacob was burning up against your chest, enough to scare you and make every parental fear you've ever had come rushing to you at once. You'd already spoken to the doctor, you knew what to watch for and you knew he was likely okay but logic wasn't helping because this was your baby, and he was hurting.
Tears stung your eyes as you sat in the dark living room with Jacob whimpering softly against your shoulder. You felt completely helpless. Without even thinking, you grabbed your phone and called Joe. The second it started ringing you regretted it. It was 3am, what were you doing? He was probably asleep. You should hang up.
Then the call connected immediately, "Hey, what's up?" His voice sounded tired but instantly concerned at the same time.
You looked down at Jacob, tears spilling again, "He's sick and I don't know what else to do so I just called"
Your head snapped up, "What?"
"I'm already getting dressed"
"I'll be there soon" The call ended.
10 minutes later there was a knock at the door. You opened it to Joe standing there in a hoodie and baseball cap, clearly having left his apartment as quickly as humanly possible. The second he saw your face his expression softened, "Oh".
That was enough, the tears finally spilled over. You laughed through them immediately, "I'm sorry".
You stepped aside and Joe walked straight inside. His attention immediately shifting to Jacob, laying in his moses basket all red cheeked, sleepy and miserable. Joe's face fell, "Oh buddy...". The gentleness in his voice nearly made you cry harder. For the next hour, neither of you slept. Joe made coffee, you rocked Jacob, then Joe took over so you could sit down, you took him back and Joe sat beside you. There were no grand gestures, or solutions to anything, it was just the support and having someone there.
Around 5am Jacob finally fell asleep, dosed up on medicine, the worst of the night seemingly behind you. You sat on the sofa looking completly exhausted, "Thank you".
Joe looked over, "You don't have to thank me"
"You were here in like 10 minutes"
A small smile appeared, "Traffic was good"
You laughed, "I hope so for that time of day"
You looked down at Jacob, back to Joe sitting there awake still making sure both of you were okay. A thought crossed your mind that was a little harder to ignore than before that you never thought would be on your mind at all. It wasn't because you needed him, you knew now that you could do this by yourself, but because somewhere along the way, he had become one of your favourite parts of life, and looking at him at 5am, half asleep after dropping everything the second you called, you had the feeling that maybe this wasn't as one sided as you thought.
A few weeks after that night when Jacob got sick, something shifted. It wasn't all at once, you didn't wake up one morning suddenly head over heels in love, it happened so slowly that you barely noticed it. At first it was just gratitude, the fact he'd shown up at 3am without hesitation, then it was noticing how naturally he fit into your life. How he'd arrive and automatically pick Jacob up, how he'd remember doctor's appointments, how he knew which stuffed toy Jacob wanted when he was tired. And somewhere along the way, you stopped looking forward to Joe visiting because you needed help. You started looking forward to it because it was Joe. The apartment felt brighter when he was in it, you found yourself smiling when his name appeared on your phone and seeing him with Jacob made your heart do things you were trying very hard not to think about, which was why the leaving dinner was proving to be a challenge.
The restaurant was busy and warm when you arrived. You'd actually made an effort which was something you hadn't done for a long time. Not because of Joe, definitely not because of Joe. You'd spent 10 minutes arguing with yourself in the mirror about that fact. The result was a dress you hadn't worn in over a year and your hair down instead of permanently tied back. You felt good, confident, even with your mom belly and chest. Jacob looked infinitely cooler than everyone else in the room, the checkerboard dungarees Joe had bought him fit perfectly combined with the tiny Vans on his feet, he looked like the world's coolest kid.
The second you arrived, Joe spotted him. He immediately crouched down beside the pram and Jacob's entire face lit up. The reaction made everyone laugh, "He doesn't even greet us like that" Wes complained.
"Because you're not me" Joe replied. The confidence was insufferable but unfortunately, he was right.
Dinner was genuinely going wonderful. Great food, stories, laughter, the entire table seemed determined to make the most of the evening. Luckily Jacob somehow managed to sleep through most of it with his pram tucked beside the table while conversations flowed around him. Occasionally he'd stir but Joe would immediately check on him and then he'd settle again.
At some point during dessert, Becca raised her glass, looking directly at Joe, "We're all incredibly proud of you as you know because we tell you everytime we see you. You're going to do great and we can't wait for you to come back home already".
Joe smiled at her words, slightly embarrassed which only encouraged her further, "We're also annoyed you're leaving, because that means you're going to miss little man's first birthday...".
The smile and embarassment vanished instantly and the entire table went quiet. Joe blinked, then looked toward the pram at Jacob who was peacefully asleep, then towards you. The realisation hit him visibly. Your chest tightened at his reaction, because somehow it genuinely hadn't occurred to him that he wouldn't be here. Not because he didn't care, but because he had become to used to being there and watching him grow, the thought of missing something important hadn't crossed his mind.
"Oh no" Sam laughed, "Look at his face".
Joe ignored him, still staring between you and Jacob. "You'll be gone?" you asked quietly.
Joe looked genuinely upset, "I...I think so". The answer seemed to bother him more than anyone else, but a moment later he shook his head, "No" He sat forward, "I'll be there".
Becca laughed, "You're going to teleport home mid shoot?"
"I'll figure it out" The determination in his voice surprised everyone, including you. "I'll make sure I'm there. I don't care what I have to do, count me in".
Something in your chest melted completely, because he meant it, every word. There wasn't a single trace of obligation in his voice, just certainty. You smiled softly at him, "Jacob would love that".
Joe returned the smile, "He better"
The conversation eventually moved on, but your heart never quite settled afterward.
The rest of the evening passed in a blur of laughter, the kind you'd come to love but eventually the restaurant staff began clearing tables bringing the night to a close. One by one people stood with hugs, promises to text and promises not to disappear. Joe accepted every goodbye with a smile, trying very hard not to make it emotional and failing slightly. When your turn came, you were standing beside Jacob's pram. Everyone else was slowly making their way toward the door and for a second it was just you and him. Joe glanced down at Jacob who was still asleep, then back at you. A smile tugged at his mouth, "I'll come round tomorrow".
Your heart skipped, "Yeah, okay"
He nodded, "I want to see him awake before I leave"
You smiled, "He'll be happy about that"
Joe laughed quietly, "Good". There was a pause after, one that felt strangely difficult. Tomorrow, then he'd be gone. You knew it wasn't forever, but it was a while. Joe must have sensed it too because his smile softened, "I'll see you tomorrow".
You nodded, trying very hard not to let your emotions show, "See you tomorrow". Joe reached down, gently squeezed your shoulder and followed everyone else out of the restaurant. Leaving you standing beside a sleeping Jacob watching him disappear through the doors and for the first time since you'd known he was leaving, the reality of it truly hit. Tomorrow would be the last time you'd see him for months and that thought hurt far more than you wanted to admit.
The walk home felt much quieter than the evening itself. Jacob slept the entire way curled up beneath a blanket in his pram while the city lights reflected off the sidewalks. You should have been happy, the dinner had been wonderful, everyone had laughed, Joe was excited about the opportunity and everything was good. So why did your chest feel so heavy? You already knew the answer, you just weren't ready to say it out loud.
The next morning arrived far too quickly. Jacob, unfortunately, had no respect for emotion and woke up bright and early. By 10am you'd already been up for hours. He'd eaten his breakfast pancakes, had playtime, had a bottle, had half a banana that somehow ended everywhere except his mouth, it was a normal life. It was when the door knocked which made everything feel less normal, your stomach flipping. Jacob squealed because apparently he had recognised the knock too. "To say you're my child, you are one heck of a traitor Jacob", followed by another squeal. You opened the door to see Joe stood there holding a paper bag and coffees, "Morning" He held up the bag, "Coffee and pastries".
Jacob's reaction was immediate. The second Joe stepped inside, tiny arms wiggled upwards demanding attention. Joe laughed, "Well good morning to you too!". Within seconds he had Jacob balanced comfortably on his hip like he always did.
The morning passed far too quickly and you found yourself trying to memorise it all. The sound of Joe laughing, the way Jacob kept stealing his baseball cap, the sight of them sitting on the floor together surrounded by toys. The ordinary little moments that had somehow become important.
Around lunchtime, Jacob finally started rubbing his eyes. "Is it time for somebody's nap?" You stared down at him from the floor.
Together you got Jacob settled down after a cuddle and a short walk round the apartment, and within minutes he was asleep. Joe carefully lowered him into the crib, he soon rolled over and stayed asleep. The two of you practically tiptoed out and immediately celebrated in the kitchen.
"Professional parenting if I say so myself" Joe chuckled.
The words slipped out so naturally that neither of you noticed them at first, until you both did followed by a brief moment of silence and then laughter. The tension disappearing.
A couple of hours later the apartment looked exactly how it always did when Jacob napped. Peaceful and comfortable. You and Joe sat on the sofa, coffee mugs in hand, finally eating the pastries he had bought with him. You'd sat in this place together countless times before but today felt different, there was some form of countdown attached to it.
Eventually Joe glanced at the clock and your stomach sank immediately, "Already?"
Joe followed your gaze, "Yeah I'm afraid so"
You hated how disappointed you sounded.
His expression softened slightly, "Hey, it's not forever".
Because you were. Joe had become part of your life in a way you hadn't expected. Part of Jacob's life too, and the thought of months without him felt strange. The apartment would be quieter, lonelier, you had gotten used to him being there, maybe too used to it.
Joe seemed to be having a similar thought, his eyes drifting towards the hallway where Jacob was sleeping, "I'll miss him".
You smiled softly , "He'll miss you too"
Joe laughed, "You think so?"
"He literally waits by the door some mornings for you I swear. If not he plays with that giraffe teddy you bought him. Told you he's your number one fan"
Joe looked absurdly pleased by that, followed by guilt and sadness all in the space of 5 seconds.
You watched the whole thing happen, and it somehow it made you love him even more. Damn it.
Eventually, there was no avoiding it. Joe stood and grabbed his jacket. The familiar sight suddenly felt awful. You walked him to the door, the two of you standing there, neither wanting to make the goodbye bigger than it needed to be.
"You'll call?" Joe asked.
"You mean when Jacob wants to show you every spoon he finds?"
Joe smiled, the one that always made your heart behave strangely, "Take care of yourself".
You swallowed, "Yeah, you too"
His eyes lingered for a moment like there was something else he wanted to say. Something both of you weren't ready for. He stepped forward, pulling you into a hug, this time lasting a little longer than usual. Long enough for you to realise exactly how much you were going to miss him and long enough for Joe to realise he wasn't particularly eager to let go either.
When you finally pulled apart, neither of you acknowledged it because acknowledging it would mean asking questions neither of you were ready to answer.
Joe smiled again, then stepped into the hallway, "See you soon".
You nodded, "See you soon". And this time, as you watched him disappear around the corner, you knew something with absolute certainty. You weren't just going to miss your best friend, you were going to miss the person who had quietly become one of the most important people in your life. As terrifying as the realisation was, it wasn't something you wanted to run from.
The first few weeks without Joe were strange. You still had everyone else surrounding you for support and help where needed, but there was a noticable gap where Joe usually sat. You hated how much you noticed it.
Thankfully, the friend group seemed determined not to let you spiral. Becca appeared every other day like clockwork after work, most Saturdays became group days out for lunches, bbq's, days at Becca's, the kind of things that filled your calendar and kept loneliness from settling in. And Jacob certainly wasn't letting you sit around feeling sorry for yourself because at 9 months old he'd discovered movement and apparently decided to make up for lost time. The child was everywhere. Everywhere. One minute he'd be on the playmat, the next he'd somehow be halfway across the apartment attempting to pull himself upright using furniture he definitely shouldn't be climbing.
You spent most of your day saying
"Jacob"
"No"
"Jacob"
"Get down"
"Don't do that Jacob"
One of the evenings you found yourself sitting on the floor surrounded by pieces of baby gate that you were trying to construct together to try contain him into one room. Screws sat on your lap, a screwdriver between your teeth, and a very determined baby attempting to eat the instruction booklet, "Absolutely not Jacob, don't do that".
Jacob giggled, then crawled away at remarkable speed back towards your phone which sat propped against the coffee table with Joe's face filling the screen watching the entire disaster unfold.
"It is from here" Joe laughed, "You've put that piece on backwards".
"How did you even manage that?"
"I don't know. I don't even know how you figured that out from there"
Jacob immediately pulled himself up using your shoulder and Joe's face softened instantly, "I can't believe how well he can move now, he'll be running after us soon" Jacob recognised his voice immediately, a huge smile spreading across his face. The reaction happened every single time no matter how many video calls they had. It never got old.
After another 20 minutes of struggling, swearing quietly under your breath, and rereading instructions you'd already read four times, one of the gates finally clicked into place, "Thank fuck".
Joe applauded dramatically, and Jacob smacked the gate. Testing its ability then looked furious that he couldn't get through. But eventually bedtime arrived and thankfully, Jacob was exhausted enough to go down without much protest. By the time you'd finished cleaning bottles and picking toys up off the floor, it was almost 9pm.
You settled onto the sofa with your phone, Joe was still there leaning against a headboard somewhere in London looking noticeably tired.
You checked the time, "Joe"
Yet still, neither of you hung up. The conversation drifted naturally like the way it always did. Joe talked about filming, the long days, the strange locations, the endless waiting around between scenes. You told him about Jacob trying to climb literally everything, the fact he'd recently discovered how funny it was to throw food, group hangouts, just normal things.
Then eventually Joe asked, "So, has the birthday planning started?"
Your face immediately brightened, "Oh my GOD I'm in my element. The theme is amazing I can't wait".
"The theme is ridiculous" Joe laughed, "My first rodeo?"
You nodded proudly, "My first rodeo"
He shook his head, "I can't believe this is happening"
"Neither can I". The realisation hit every time you thought about it. One year. Your tiny newborn was almost one. "Becca offered her place".
Joe nodded, "You doing it in the garden?"
"Yeah, hopefully we get lucky with the weather"
It really was. Her place had space, grass, room for decorations, guests, movement, you could already picture it. Tiny cowboy hats, good food, music, Jacob crawling around trying to steal everyone's attention.
Then your thoughts drifted elsewhere, towards the future, the thing you'd been trying not to think about. "I'd really love somewhere with a garden one day".
Joe looked up, "What, a house?"
"Just somewhere with outdoor space" You glanced around your apartment, "I want him to have room and be able to play outside, build forts, kick a ball, get muddy" Joe listened quietly, "I just can't do it yet".
You continued, "I've got to go back to work at the end of the year when my work's maternity benefit ends and I couldn't think of anything worse right now". The reality felt heavier every time you said it aloud.
You laughed a tired laugh, "Don't even". Because childcare costs were terrifying. Rent existed still, life was getting more expensive and suddenly every decision regarding anything revolved around another little person. For a moment you stared down at your hands trying not to feel overwhelmed.
Then Joe spoke, "You'll figure it out"
You smiled weakly, "Hopefully. Single parent life isn't for the weak"
"No it's not, which is why you'll figure it out" His voice was calm and certain in a way that you'll never forget. Joe was watching you with that same expression he'd worn so many times over the last year, the one that always seemed to say he believed in you more than you believed in yourself.
Eventually you glanced at the clock again after what felt like spacing out for hours, "You need to go to bed"
He groaned dramatically, "I don't want to go to sleep".
You laughed, "You're 34. You sound like a 9 year old. Go to bed".
Joe smile, but he didn't look annoyed. If anything, he looked reluctant like he genuinely didn't want the conversation to end, "Fine".
"It was nice talking to you"
The simple statement made your chest tighten unexpectedly.
You smiled. For a moment neither of you said goodbye, neither seeming particularly eager to hang up. Even in different countries, with different time zones and thousands of miles apart, it still felt exactly like sitting together on your sofa after Jacob had gone to sleep.
Eventually Joe smiled, "Give him a hug from me".
"And tell him I miss him loads"
You laughed, "He misses you too".
The grin that appeared on Joe's face was impossible to miss, then finally the call ended. The screen went dark and the apartment became quiet again. But as you sat there on the sofa, smiling to yourself like an idiot, one thing had become impossible to ignore. You weren't just counting down to Jacob's birthday anymore, you were counting down until Joe came home.
Three months passed faster than you thought was possible somehow. One minute Joe had been leaving for London, and the next, summer had arrived in full force with Jacob was almost 1. You still couldn't wrap your head around it. Every time somebody said it out loud you felt slightly emotional because it felt impossible because months ago you had been sitting in a dark apartment, exhausted, heartbroken, terrified and completely convinced you were failing. Now? Now Jacob was healthy, happy, crawling at alarming speeds, pulling himself up on furniture every chance he got and surrounded by people who loved him. A lot could change in a year.
The week before the party arrived, suddenly everything became real. The catering had been ordered, cake had been ordered, decorations had arrived, the tiny cowboy outfit hanging in Jacob's wardrobe nearly made you cry every time you saw it.
Most evenings were spent at Becca's house finalising plans with her garden becoming party headquarters. One afternoon you sat outside at her patio table surrounded by boxes of balloons, banners and party bags. Becca looked around, then looked at you, "I think we've lost our minds".
"A little?" She picked up a packet containing thirty miniature cowboy hats, "There's 30 hats here".
"They're cute" You couldn't stop smiling. The excitement kept bubbling up inside you, followed immediately by panic which followed immediately by excitement again.
The lie was terrible. She immediately narrowed her eyes, "You thinking about Joe?".
You groaned because she wasn't wrong. Not entirely. The closer the party got, the more you found yourself checking your phone and replaying that conversation from months ago where he said he'd be here, he'd sounded so certain. Yet since then? No updates or confirmation on anything.
Every time you spoke, the subject somehow never came up and you refused to ask because you didn't want to sound disappointed if he couldn't make it. Becca immediately picked up on all of that, "You know you could just ask him"
"He's literally paid for 80% of this party probably, and none of us had a choice in it. He wouldn't not come and see it"
You just nodded, I guess she was right.
The truth was that things had only gotten harder over the last couple months. Your feelings hadn't disappeared, if anything they'd grown. Every FaceTime, photo, late night conversation, video of Jacob taking his first steps whilst holding onto something, every moment Joe wanted to be included in. It all added up, until one day you found yourself staring at your phone after hanging up and realising you were completely, hopelessly in love with your best friend which was deeply inconvenient. Especially because you had no intention of doing anything about it. You'd worked too hard rebuilding your life to risk losing one of the most important people in it. So instead you did what any reasonable person would do, you ignored the problem to the very best of your ability.
Three nights before the party, you sat on your apartment floor surrounded by wrapping paper with Jacob crawling directly through the middle of it all whilst simultaneously trying to sort out extra party supplies whilst stopping him from chewing on cardboard. It was a loosing battle.
Your phone buzzed on the table, Joe. You smiled before you could stop yourself. The FaceTime connected, his face appeared looking tired, hair slicked back which you assume is from filming.
Jacob instantly abandoned everything, the second he heard Joe's voice he spun around and climbed onto your lap.
Joe laughed, "There's my favourite man, hi buddy".
The next 10 minutes consisted entirely of Joe talking to Jacob as usual, you barely got a word in but eventually got distracted by a balloon bobbing at the other side of the room and crawled away.
Joe finally looked back at you, "How's party planning?"
You groaned dramatically, "Please don't. I have cowboy themed stress. Do you know how many times i've said howdy at somebody and not hello this week?"
Joe laughed, "Sounds serious"
"It is serious" You held up a tiny bandana, "I own 20 of these".
Joe completely lost it, his laughter echoed through your apartment. And for a moment, everything felt normal again like he wasn't thousands of miles away and he'd still be showing up with coffee tomorrow morning.
Joe glanced away from the camera, then back like he was thinking about something. Your heart and mind racing at lightning speed, "How's the birthday girl doing?".
You blinked, "Birthday girl?"
You laughed, "It's Jacob's birthday, not mine. Are you that much of a friend?"
"It's your anniversary too" Joe smiled softly, "One year".
Your chest tightened because he was right. A year of being a mom, year of surviving, year of becoming somebody entirely different. Then Joe quietly added, "You've done a pretty incredible job".
The praise hit harder than it should have because it came from him. He'd seen it all. The ugly parts, difficult parts, the moments nobody else saw.
"Thanks..." you wasn't sure what else to say. "You've been there for most of it too, you deserve to celebrate also".
Joe smiled, there was something in his expression you couldn't quite place. Something fond, something that made looking at him difficult till Jacob returned and smacked the phone screen with his hand. The moment vanished with both of you laughing, and neither of you mentioning it again. But after the call ended, sitting alone in your apartment while Jacob crawled around your feet, one thought kept repeating itself.
Three days.
Three days until Jacob's birthday.
And you still had absolutely no idea whether Joe was coming home.
The thing that surprised you most wasn't that Jack hadn't shown up again. It was how little you cared. A year ago, that realisation would've broken your heart. Now? It barely registered.
After the day he'd shown up at your apartment and Joe had practically escorted him out of your life, Jack disappeared again. No calls, no texts, not even anyone in his family contacted you, but the silence was familiar now. Disappointing for Jacob but not surprising. You'd stopped expecting anything from him months ago. Maybe that was why, when Jacob's birthday invitations went out, you decided to send one anyway. Not because you wanted him there or you thought he'd come but because one day, if Jacob ever asked, you wanted to know you'd tried. That nobody could say you kept his father away.
So one evening, after staring at your phone for 10 minutes, you sent a simple message.
Jacob's first birthday party is next Saturday. You're welcome to come if you'd like.
That was it. No emotion or expectations. Just an invitation. A few hours later, your phone buzzed followed by a disbelieving laugh from yourself.
Can't make it. Have plans with Laura.
That was the entire message. No apology. No asking about Jacob. No asking what time the party was. Nothing.
Of course that was the response. You didn't even know who Laura was. Girlfriend? The woman he'd cheated with? Someone else entirely? You honestly couldn't bring yourself to care enough to figure it out. The ridiculousness outweighed any hurt. After a full year of missing absolutely everything, he was choosing not to attend his son's first birthday because he had plans. Amazing.
You sat there for another minute, took a screenshot, opened the group chat and sent it. No context. Just the screenshot.
Amanda
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Adam
That's actually unbelievable
Becca
I need everyone to remain calm
You snorted so loudly that Jacob looked up from the floor.
Sam
Who the hell is Laura?
Sam
It's a little bit the point.
Adam
And his excuse is plans?
The messages continued pouring in. Everyone somehow becoming more offended than you were which honestly felt a little validating because for a second you'd wondered if maybe you were overreacting.
Your phone buzzed again. A private message from Joe.
You looked across the room. Jacob was sitting surrounded by toys attempting to put a block in his mouth. Completely oblivious, happy, safe, loved.
You
I think I'm more annoyed than upset
Joe
That's probably healthy
A smile tugged at your lips because it was. Before you'd have cried, wondered what was wrong with you, why you weren't enough, why your little family wasn't enough. Now? Now you were mostly just embarrassed for him because who misses their son's first birthday? Who gets invited despite everything and still chooses not to show up? That wasn't your failure. It was his.
Joe
For what it's worth. Jacob won't remember who didn't show up. He'll look at photos of who did.
You stared at the words. Because when you pictured Jacob's birthday, you didn't picture Jack. Not even a little. You pictured Becca hanging decorations, Amanda fussing over the cake, Sam and Adam arguing over something ridiculous, Poppy taking a hundred photos, Wes carrying boxes and hopefully Joe walking through the gate.
You
You're getting emotional in your old age
Whatever happened, Jacob's first birthday was going to be full of people who genuinely loved him. That was what mattered.
The morning of the party was chaos. The good kind. The kind you'd secretly hoped for when you started planning all of this months ago. Becca's garden had been transformed overnight. Balloons swayed gently in the warm summer breeze, cowboy themed decorations hung from fences, some hay bales had somehow appeared from somewhere, Sam claimed he'd found them but nobody was quite sure about that one. And somehow, despite weeks of worrying, the weather was perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. Just sunshine. You couldn't have ordered a better day if you'd tried. Most importantly, Jacob was having the time of his life. His tiny cowboy outfit had become the star attraction. A little denim shirt, tiny cowboy boots, his bandana, a hat he'd only kept on for 5 minutes before throwing it across the garden.
Everyone adored him. He spent the entire afternoon crawling from person to person accepting snacks, demanding attention and attempting to walk wherever he could grab on to something or someone. You couldn't stop smiling. Everywhere you looked there were people you loved. Friends and their partners, family, children, people talking, laughing, taking photos, celebrating, it felt surreal.
You found yourself standing near the drinks table for a moment just taking everything in and trying to remember it because days like this didn't happen often. Jacob would only have a first birthday once. The only thing missing was Joe. You checked your phone again and again but nothing. Your stomach twisted slightly at the thought but then you immediately scolded yourself. He definitely would have tried, and you knew he'd tried. It's work. You weren't angry, just disappointed, mostly for Jacob because Joe had wanted to be here with him so badly. Every now and then your eyes drifted toward the garden gate trying not to hope but failing.
You looked up, Amanda was holding her phone.
"The staring dramatically into the distance thing where you're thinking too hard" You rolled your eyes. "He's probably coming".
"He probably isn't" you turned back toward the party, trying to focus on what was actually in front of you. Jacob. Today was about Jacob.
A little while later everyone gathered near the tables. Food was being passed around, music drifted through the garden, Jacob was on the grass crawling around between everyone's feet living his best life. You were talking to Becca about cake timing when it happened. At first you didn't notice, just a sudden burst of noise behind you followed by a scream. Not a crying scream, an excited scream. The kind Jacob only made when something genuinely thrilled him. The entire garden seemed to turn, you looked over your shoulder and standing there was Joe. A huge backpack slung over one shoulder and holding a gift bag so absurdly large it looked bigger than the birthday boy himself sitting beside the gate. He looked exhausted, like he'd travelled forever but he was smiling, crouching down onto one knee waiting for Jacob.
The little boy was practically shrieking. Hands slapping excitedly against the grass, trying desperately to get moving faster.
The entire party erupted, but Joe wasn't looking at anyone else. Just Jacob, "Hey buddy!"
Your heart immediately melted. Jacob was moving as fast as humanly possible, which wasn't particularly fast but it was the effort that counted. Joe laughed as he held his arms open, "C'mon".
Everyone watched because the determination on Jacob's face was incredible. Half crawl, half wobble. Then finally, he reached Joe. The second he did, Joe scooped him up and Jacob immediately buried his face into his shoulder.
The entire garden collectively made the same noise, "Awwww".
Becca was already crying and Amanda wasn't far behind. Joe stood up with Jacob balanced comfortably on his hip looking exactly like where he belonged like he'd never been gone at all.
Only then did he finally look up and find you. For a moment everything else disappeared. Joe smiled, and suddenly you couldn't breathe properly. Because he came, he actually came. For Jacob, for this, for you, and judging by the way everyone was looking between the two of you, you weren't doing a particularly good job of hiding how much that meant.
"Oh my god" You heard Becca mutter beside you but you didn't look away from Joe. Around the garden, several members of the friend group were trying, and failing, not to smile. Apparently everyone could see it, everyone except the two people involved. Meanwhile Joe remained completely oblivious, too busy listening to Jacob babble excitedly in his ear. As if trying to tell him every single thing that had happened over the last few months.
Joe nodded seriously, "Really?", Jacob babbled louder, "No way!", more babbling, "That's crazy".
The entire conversation was nonsense yet somehow they both seemed completely invested.
Watching them together, standing in the middle of a garden full of people you loved, on a beautiful summer afternoon celebrating your son's first birthday, you couldn't remember the last time you'd felt this happy, grateful or lucky.
By the time the cake smash was over, Jacob was covered head to toe in frosting. Literally everywhere. At one point you'd found icing inside his ear and decided it was best not to ask questions. The second he'd been placed in front of the cake he looked confused, which turned to curiousity, then completely committed to destruction. Everyone had descended on him with phones immediately. The poor kid couldn't move without 6 different cameras documenting it.
"Look this way!"
"Jacob!"
"Buddy!"
"Smile!"
He ignored everyone, instead choosing to repeatedly slap the cake with both hands which somehow made for even better photos. You couldn't stop laughing, especially when Joe ended up with frosting on his shirt after trying to stop Jacob from launching a handful across the garden.
"You did that to yourself" you said across from him.
"You were encouraging him"
Joe looked down at Jacob and Jacob looked back. The two of them sharing a suspiciously similar expression, "Okay maybe a little".
The photos continued all afternoon. Family photos, friend photos, group photos, photos of Jacob, photos with Jacob. At one point Amanda physically dragged you and Joe together because apparently there weren't enough photos. You hadn't missed the look Becca gave her nor the look Amanda gave back. Neither of them were subtle. Joe remained blissfully unaware, or pretended to be. You honestly couldn't tell anymore.
The funniest part was Jacob, because after Joe arrived, he basically refused to acknowledge anybody else. The child had made his decision that Joe was his person for the day. Every time somebody picked him up, he'd immediately start looking around for Joe. If Joe disappeared for more than 5 minutes, Jacob would crawl after him. When Adam attempted to hold him? Immediate protest. When Wes tried? Same result. Even Becca only got about 3 minutes before Jacob was craning his neck looking elsewhere.
"Okay" Becca handed him back eventually, "I'm slightly offended".
The second Joe took him, Jacob relaxed, settling comfortably against his chest. Joe looked unbearably pleased and Jacob chose that exact moment to pat Joe's cheek affectionately.
As the sun slowly began dipping lower in the sky, guests started leaving. Family members hugged you goodbye, friends headed home, children were rounded up, leftover food was packed away. The noise gradually faded until eventually only your core group remained. You stood looking around Becca's garden now slightly messier and feeling unexpectedly emotional. One year. One whole year.
Jacob had finally crashed as they cleaned, completely exhausted and fast asleep against Joe's shoulder with his tiny cowboy boots still on and his hat still missing somewhere in the garden.
Joe gently adjusted him while everyone started clearing tables, and he glanced toward you, "I drove so we can put everything in there" nodding towards the mountain of party supplies.
You laughed, "There is so much stuff, you sure?"
"Yeah" A smile, "It'll save you carrying all of this and him home".
Eventually Becca clapped her hands together, "Right". Everyone looked over, "You three are leaving".
"No" Joe was just as confused.
You gestured around, "There's still stuff".
You narrowed your eyes and Becca narrowed hers right back, then she pointed toward the gate, "Go home".
"Nope" She pointed again, "You've been up since god knows what time and hosted a party all day"
"Your child is unconscious"
You glanced at Jacob who was still asleep on Joe.
Becca folded her arms, "I've got this". The rest of the group immediately nodded.
"We've got it" Adam corrected.
You looked around at all of them, your chest tightened because a year ago you felt completely alone. And now? You had this. These people, this family you'd somehow built. Then Joe gently grabbed your shoulder, "Come on".
You looked up, his smile was soft, "You need to leave before this turns into a whole thing".
"Go"
"Leave"
"Goodbye"
"Love you"
You laughed despite yourself and Joe guided you towards the gate with Jacob sleeping peacefully against his chest and your friends waving dramatically behind you. Becca shooting the most obvious wink in human history. You rolled your eyes so hard it nearly hurt yet somehow, being beside Joe in the warm evening air while your son slept safely in his arms, your heart felt incredibly full.
The party was over. Jacob's first birthday had been perfect. And as you glanced over at Joe carrying him towards the car like it was the most natural thing in the world, you couldn't help thinking that this might end up being one of your favourite memories ever.
The second you walked through the apartment door, the exhaustion of the day finally started catching up with you. Not bad exhaustion, the kind that came after a genuinely happy day. Joe carried Jacob inside while you stayed outside for another trip to the car, then another, then one more because apparently your son had received enough presents to supply an entire daycare. By the time you finally nudged the apartment door shut with your foot, arms full of gift bags and decorations, you could already hear giggling coming from the living room.
You dumped everything on the kitchen counter, Tomorrow's problem then kicked off your shoes and followed the sound. Joe was sitting on the sofa with Jacob standing between his knees, wobbling dramatically while holding onto his hands. Both of them deep in conversation, or at least Jacob seemed convinced they were.
A huge laugh, another babble.
Joe nodded thoughtfully, "I agree".
You leaned against the doorway watching them. Your heart doing that annoying thing it did whenever the two of them were together.
Joe eventually looked up, "Hi".
You smiled, "What's the discussion?"
Joe glanced at Jacob, "Apparently today was a success"
The bedtime routine started shortly after. Jacob was still running entirely on excitement and birthday cake which meant he was somehow exhausted and hyperactive at the same time.
Joe stood up, "I'll help".
"I know I don't, but i'd like too" The familiar answer made you smile.
He helped get Jacob changed, helped find the missing pajama top he chucked and nobody could locate which somehow ended up beneath the sofa then followed you both into the nursery. Joe handed Jacob over, you settled into the rocking chair with his bottle already made. Jacob immediately snuggled into your chest, his eyelids heavy and his hand holding onto your shirt. Joe leaned quietly against the doorway watching, not wanting to disrupt. The bottle disappeared surprisingly quickly followed by a few sleepy blinks, a small burp, a yawn and within moments Jacob was asleep. Completely gone.
You couldn't help laughing, "That was easy".
Joe grinned, "He's exhausted".
Together, you carefully lowered him into his crib. Jacob didn't even stir, the birthday excitement had finally catching up to him. You switched on the night light then quietly pulled the door closed behind you.
Back in the living room, you immediately collapsed onto the sofa. Joe laughed, "Comfortable?".
"You unfortunately have too"
A dramatic groan escaped you and Joe shook his head, "Coffee?"
You looked up immediately, "Please".
"Thought so" A few minutes later he returned carrying two mugs. The familiar smell filling the apartment. The baby monitor sat between you both on the coffee table with Jacob sleeping peacefully on the screen. The apartment was quiet. Quiet for the first time all day. No music, no guests, no chaos. It was nice.
Joe handed you your mug, you wrapped both hands around it enjoying the warmth. For a few moments neither of you spoke, then before he could say anything, the words slipped out. "Thank you, like really thank you". His expression immediately shifted. You glanced toward the monitor, then back at him, "Thank you for coming. Thank you for all that you did for the party, for me, for him".
Joe opened his mouth but you continued, "I'm serious" Your throat tightened unexpectedly, "He spent the entire day looking for you".
Joe's eyes immediately flickered toward the monitor too. You laughed softly, "And then when you showed, he nearly launched himself across the garden".
Joe smiled, a small one. The kind that never quite reached full strength because he was trying to hide how much something meant to him.
"You didn't have to come all this way"
You looked down at your coffee trying to find the right words, "He adores you". The smile disappeared slightly, "He's the luckiest little boy in the world".
Joe immediately shook his head, "No"
"He is when he has people like you in his life"
"No" Your eyes met his, "That's all you. His dad doesn't show up" You shrugged slightly, "His dad doesn't call, but you do" You smiled sadly, "Every day".
Joe swallowed, looking down into his coffee.
You weren't trying to make him emotional, you were simply telling the truth. Something you weren't sure you'd ever said out loud before, "You've been there for everything and I'm glad if it's not his own dad, he has a male figure like you in his life".
Joe's jaw tightened slightly, the praise clearly making him uncomfortable. Not because he didn't like hearing it because he genuinely didn't think he deserved it. You reached across resting your hand lightly on his arm, "Thank you for loving him like he was your own".
Joe froze, your own words making your eyes immediately filled because you meant every word. He stared between the floor and the baby monitor for a while, his eyes looking glassy which immediately made yours worse. Then he smiled, "How could I not?".
Your heart absolutely shattered, in the best possible way, because there wasn't a single ounce of hesitation in his voice. And as the image of Jacob sleeping peacefully flickered softly on the monitor between you, something settled inside your chest. Something that felt like certainty. Nothing about romance, not even about the future, just the fact whatever happened next, Jacob would always know what it felt like to be loved. And sitting beside you on the sofa, coffee in hand after one very perfect birthday, was one of the biggest reasons why.
Suddenly, the emotions of the entire day and this conversation seemed to hit you all at once, tears slipping from you.
"Oh god no, no tears today" Joe laughed weakly.
Then before you could think better of it, you set your coffee mug down on the table. Joe barely had time to react before you leaned across the sofa and wrapped your arms around him. Immediately he hugged you back as you told him "Thank you" again. It was the kind of hug you'd shared countless times before but this one held on a little longer, neither of you in a hurry to let go. You buried your face against his shoulder, "Thank you".
Joe's arms tightened slightly, "You don't have to keep thanking me".
"I do, I will for a long time"
His chin rested briefly against your hair, "You don't owe me anything".
You pulled back slightly, just enough to look at him, "I appreciate you so much".
Joe's expression softened and for a second neither of you moved, neither of you looked away. You were suddenly very aware of how close he was, of how many times you'd imagined what it might feel like if- before your brain had a chance to catch up, you leaned forward and kissed him.
The moment it happened, time seemed to stop, and your brain immediately caught up. Oh God.
You'd kissed your best friend.
You pulled back instantly, eyes wide and horrified, "Oh my god". Joe stared at you, equally stunned, "I didn-". You covered your face, "Oh my god". A nervous laugh escaped you, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that".
Another apology immediately followed, "I'm sorry". Then another, "Really sorry".
You were halfway through another apology when Joe finally shook his head, a laugh escaping him, "Would you stop apologising?".
"Seriously, stop" His smile was almost disbelieving, "You have got to stop apologising".
You stared at him completely lost. Joe looked at you for another second then slowly reached up brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. The gesture made your heart stop, "You really have no idea, do you?".
Your stomach flipped "Joe..."
The smile that appeared was equal parts fond and nervous, then he leaned forward and kissed you. This time there was no surprise. The kiss was gentle at first like he was giving you every opportunity to pull away. The hell you were. Instead, your hand found his shoulder and when he smiled against your lips, you couldn't help smiling too.
When the kiss finally broke, neither of you moved very far. Both laughing slightly from nerves, from relief, from how long it had taken. You buried your face in your hands from embarrassment, he laughed and gently pulled your hands away looking at you like you were something he'd been afraid to reach for, "I've wanted to do that for ages".
Your heart nearly stopped, "You have? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because" His eyes drifted briefly toward the baby monitor, "You had enough going on".
The answer was so typically Joe that it almost made you cry again. Instead you smiled, leaning your head against his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around you immediately like it belonged there. For the first time in a very long time, the future didn't feel scary. It felt exciting. The best parts of your life had already been sitting beside you on that sofa all along.
He reached out again, his hand cupping the back of your head, fingers tangling in your hair, pulling you towards him. When his lips meet yours this time, it is twice as heavy, twice as desperate. It isn't a question anymore, now more of an answer. He kissed you with a force that pushed you backwards into the cushions of the sofa. You gasped against his mouth, taking the opportunity to deepen the kiss, one arm wrapping around your waist to haul you closer.
You responded straight away, your hands finding his shoulders again, pulling him down to you. His kisses became frantic, messy and perfect all in one. He moved his mouth from your lips to your jaw, trailing down your neck, arching your back in response to him. You couldn't tell if the room was spinning, or if it was the overwhelming realisation that this was actually happening.
"We should sleep" he muttered against your neck a few moments later, knowing the time was getting on.
"Yeah, we should. Are you uh, staying?"
A smile was all he needed. And after a long day of happiness, you both ended up moments later just enjoying each other's presence in the space of your bed. No sex, no kissing, just the sound of the monitor next to you and each other's breathing.
The first thing the next morning you became aware of was a voice. A soft, sleepy, amused voice. You frowned slightly against your pillow still half asleep, hearing it again. His voice. You smiled before your eyes had even opened.
The memories from the night before came flooding back immediately. The sofa, coffee, conversations, the kiss, or several kisses actually. The fact that somewhere between laughing and talking afterwards, you'd both eventually ended up in your bed and simply fallen asleep. The thought alone made you smile into your pillow.
Then another voice reached you, a much smaller one. An excited babble. Your eyes finally opened to see the sunlight filtering softly through, it felt like the whole world was at peace. You rolled onto your side to look at the baby monitor, Joe standing beside Jacob's crib, topless and in yesterday's jeans, hair sticking up slightly from sleep, leaning over the side talking quietly to Jacob. Jacob was standing, holding onto the rails absolutely delighted with the fact he's woken up to Joe.
Joe nodded seriously, "No way, I had that dream too!"
Another squeal. You couldn't help smiling. For several moments you simply watched, not wanting to interrupt because it was one of those little moments, the kind you'd want to remember forever. Then it happened.
You blinked at the monitor. Joe stood there frozen next to him, and Jacob was grinning.
Your eyebrows immediately shot upward, on the monitor Joe looked equally surprised, "What did you say Jacob?".
Jacob bounced excitedly, "Dada!".
The room fell silent, then Joe laughed. A genuine surprised laugh, "Did you just call me dada?".
Jacob practically shrieked with excitement, "DADA!" Another laugh. Then "Dada dada dada dada".
You sat upright, completely awake now, part of you didn't know what to think. Because on one hand your heart was melting. On the other, the tiny traitor hadn't even said mama yet, and apparently he'd decided Joe was getting dada. Good to know where everyone's loyalties lay.You shook your head, laughing despite yourself. Curiosity eventually won. You climbed out of bed and quietly made your way down the hallway, the nursery door sat slightly open. You stopped outside, peeking in. Joe hadn't noticed you yet, he was still beside the crib with Jacob standing proudly inside, "Dada!"
Joe laughed again, "You can't just say that".
Jacob thought this was the funniest thing he'd ever heard, "Dada!".
You honestly couldn't tell which one of them looked happier. The floor creaked beneath your foot as you adjusted your step. Joe looked up, immediately smiling, "Morning".
A smile appeared before you could stop it, "Morning".
Joe glanced toward Jacob, "Mama's here look!"
Jacob turned to look at you, then immediately looked back at Joe, "Dada!"
You stared, Joe burst out laughing, "No Jacob, mama's here".
You placed a hand over your chest, "Wow. After all I put myself through for you kid".
Joe was struggling not to laugh, "That's rough".
"Dada", Joe laughed harder.
Eventually you stepped fully into the room standing beside them watching Jacob grin at both of you. You looked toward Joe, then toward Jacob and back again, "I hope you know you don't have to encourage that".
Joe's smile softened slightly immediately understanding what you meant. The joking had faded, "I know". Joe would never try to replace anyone, even after everything. He glanced back toward Jacob, then at you. "If it makes you uncomfortable, I don't have to play along".
The answer from you came honestly and without hesitation, "No" You smiled softly, "As long as you're okay with it".
Something shifted in Joe's expression. Surprised mixed with emotion because he knew what you were really saying. Not that Jacob thought he was his father, because at one year old, Jacob didn't understand titles. What he understood was love, consistency, who showed up for him, who stayed and whether he meant to or not, Joe had become one of those people.
You looked down at Jacob still holding onto the crib, "Dada".
Joe laughed quietly. The sound almost emotional, then reached down and scooped him up. Jacob immediately settling against him happy and content. Your heart swelled so much it almost hurt because standing there in the nursery doorway, watching the man you loved holding the little boy you loved most in the world, you suddenly imagined for the first time in a very long time, a future and wondering if you'd be okay. But you already were.
Joe had to fly back a few days later, but the few weeks passed surprisingly quickly. Not because you didn't miss Joe, you absolutely did, so did Jacob. Days were filled with confused looks toward the apartment door every time a knock sounded somewhere in the building. A lot of dada, FaceTime calls, Joe making ridiculous noises through a phone screen to keep a one year old entertained. But this time felt different, the anxiety wasn't there because you knew he wasn't leaving, he was coming back to you.
Then one Thursday afternoon your phone buzzed as you was folding laundry on the floor of Jacob's nursery as he played in his crib.
A smile immediately spread across your face.
Joe
Can I come see my favorite little guy?
You
Sure. I'm sure Mr Martin from across the hall really wants to see you too
Joe
I was talking about Jacob.
Less than an hour later there was a knock at your door. Jacob looked up immediately, his head turning toward the sound. You laughed, "Oh my god, how do you do that?" The child somehow knew. You picked him up and walked towards the door, opening it to see Joe stood there smiling. Hair slightly longer than before and looking tired from travel.
"Haven't you just landed?"
"Speed" Joe shrugged. "I wanted to see you" and he looked at Jacob, "And him".
Jacob had already tried to climb out of your arms and towards Joe, "DADA".
Joe laughed instantly, "Hi buddy, I missed you" grabbing him from you. The apartment somehow started feeling complete again.
That evening, after dinner and playtime and enough laughter to make your cheeks hurt, Jacob finally surrendered to sleep. By the time you returned to the living room, Joe was sitting on the sofa exactly where he'd sat a hundred times before but things felt different. You sat beside him, enjoying the quiet for a while till eventually Joe spoke, "I've been thinking".
You immediately laughed, "Okay..."
His smile appeared, "What do you want?"
Joe looked at you, "The future"
You thought about it, then smiled, "A garden"
Joe laughed, "I'm serious"
"So am I" You smiled, "I want somewhere bigger. Eventually a place big enough with extra room for Jacob, maybe outside of the city, maybe a dog".
Joe immediately nodded, "Good choice"
Then your expression softened, "I just want Jacob to grow up happy".
Joe smiled, "That's already happening"
Your eyes drifted toward the baby monitor. The little boy who had changed your entire world.
Then you looked back at Joe, "I want stability".
For so long you'd lived without it and Joe understood immediately, "You deserve that".
You smiled, "What about you?"
Joe leaned back slightly thinking, "Honestly?". You nodded. He looked toward the hallway, towards the nursery, then back at you and smiled, "This. Not exactly this apartment".
He grinned, "I mean..." His eyes met yours. "I like having people to come home to. Especially you and Jacob".
Joe had spent years traveling, working, living out of suitcases, different hotel rooms, just always moving. It made sense.
"I don't know exactly what everything looks like yet" he admitted. "But I know I want you both in it. If you'll have me" Joe smiled nervously.
He laughed, "Definitely a package deal". Joe reached for your hand, intertwining your fingers, "We take it one day at a time".
You nodded, "One day at a time"
"I'll do everything I can to give him the best life possible, and you" Joe smiled and squeezed your hand gently, "And I do know one thing".
His eyes drifted toward the monitor again, at the child who'd unknowingly changed both of your lives, "I'm not going anywhere".
And for the first time since moving to New York all those years ago, you believed him completely.
Not because he promised or because he said the perfect thing, but because he'd already spent the last year proving it time and time again. Loving both of you without ever asking for recognition for it.
You leaned against him, his arm immediately wrapping around your shoulders and together you sat there on the sofa watching the baby monitor. Talking quietly about houses, gardens, dogs, birthdays and all the little things that make up a life. The future still wasn't fully written. There would be challenges, questions, messy moments just like any family. But as the night stretched on around you, one thing felt certain. This was love.
He pulled you in tighter as you spoke, placing a kiss on the top of your head, "I've got you, both of you".
