Freaking Feels

The entire court is looking for presents, and at first they try to get Fengqing to make recommendations, but those two are completely convinced that every question is from a spy acting on behalf of the other to get them to reveal their present so they can plot to get something better and so of course they will not say shit. At some point, a random official remembers he’s a Sword Guy and a freaking Martial God, so they finally chill like, oh yeah, we know what to do with those kinda guys.

- it’s fun to be awake & in an upright position

- consciousness is a gift

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

people would stop getting shit

for being themselves.

In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier.

So many people put such a heavy pressure on sex to fulfill all or almost all intimacy needs in romantic relationships, because they haven’t learnt or considered other forms of intimacy. Because sex seems simple and straightforward, and socially has been constructed to be a way to measure romantic love. And there’s just so much more ways to connect beyond sex.

I myself was in a relationship with an allo guy for 9 years, and was pressured into doing all sorts of things I didn’t want to do, which left me badly scarred to this day. Seeked professional help, was told I was the problem and needed fixing, which kept me in that abusive relationship for a long time out of guilt. The “fixing”, as it turned out, only traumatized me further and didn’t change me (oh, surprise, conversion therapies don’t work!).

Thankfully I ended up breaking up with the guy.

I’ve now been in a long-term romantic relationship with another allo person for some years, and it’s working. Because there are SO MANY ways to connect and feel fulfilled in a relationship aside from sex. All it takes is being kind, thoughtful and curious.

Never let anyone make you feel that your asexuality is a problem. It isn’t. It’s just another part of who you are. A beautiful, enriching, meaningful one. It should be embraced and honoured by your romantic partners, allo or not.

Sadly not all allo people will understand. But that doesn’t make you the problem. If they can’t see past sex into the infinite potential ways of human connection, the problem is theirs.

Most recently, a friend came over my house and saw my computer background and went, "Wow, um, I didn't know you were into that." To which I look at the picture of the well drawn muscular female minotaur in historically accurate Greek clothing and I start geeking out about how I love the detail the artist did with the clothing and I point out the period appropriate folds and pins, how the artist even inserted the native plant that was used to dye the clothing this particular shade in the background, and even how the belt has technology AND historically accurate weaving patterns on it.

Then I start explaining how I love the muscular choices of the minotaur, that I was so impressed with the artist's anatomically correct depiction of the muscles converging into the neck. That many people get an upright cow's neck wrong because cow's don't have collarbones, so it can be very difficult to merge the upper arms and a chest of a human with a cow's body. I draw her attention to the beautiful way they've merged the pectoralis major so smoothly while also staying true to how muscular they've depicted the rest of the body.

I finish up with my thoughts on the artist's bold choice to depict the minotaur as a female, and despite the underlying themes of a minotaur being violence, child murder, strength, and muscles. I segue into how unlike bulls, cow are perceived as mothers. That they are the major source of milk in human culture, and that idyllic depictions of them in a field usually depict calves frolicking nearby, yet the minotaur kills and eats children.

I finish and there is a long pause.

So I just wanted to expand upon the fact that I don't believe the art is bad, craftmanshipwise or morally, but that I am so faceblind to it for some reason, that even my tiny hundred year old Catholic grandmother is like, "Urban, why have you displayed this oil painting of the pornography in your kitchen?" And I have to explain to her that, "Grandma, I really thought it was just someone being incredibly enthusiastic about eating cake in a wedding dress, and you know how I love wedding dresses from the 20th centaury."