The NBA Dribbled Out

I wrote a feature about how seriously NBA refs study to perfect their craft, and how conspiracy theories about ulterior motives are largely groundless. 

The NBA Offseason is in full swing and that means one thing: it’s bootstrapping season! By this I mean, pulling one’s self up by their bootstraps.* It’s an impossibility because imagine pulling yourself up by a piece of your footwear; it literally can’t be done. 

The same can be said about NBA teams competing for a title in July, August and September. But the impossibility is the whole point! The best day dreams are untethered to reality; Any team could win a title in July. It’s the season of the draft and free agency and the stupendous optimism we heap on players after a productive couple of weeks against inferior competition in Vegas. Remember how special Lonzo Ball seemed in July of 2017? Maybe he really is that special. Who knows?! It’s bootstrapping season, and anyone can succeed if they work hard enough. Try not to gag on the Alger fan fic.

Each fan base is successfully bootstrapping their favorite team into championship contention. I’ve seen pieces on Devin Booker as the preeminent shooting guard of his generation, and DeAndre Ayton as the new prototype for big men. Never mind that Ayton won’t sniff the court in the spring if he can’t defend the rim and/or switch onto a point guard 25 feet from the basket (see also, Al freakin’ Horford making Joel Embiid look like a dinosaur on pick and pops in May), or that Booker hasn’t ever actually won anything other than some congratulations when he dropped 70 points...in a loss.

Bootstrapping season means Nah’Lens fans –– all two of them –– lamenting the Warriors signing DeMarcus Cousins to a one-year deal, but quickly (Kendrick) perking up when they hear Julius Randle is coming to town, a 6-foot-9, 250-pound power forward who shot 27 percent from 3 last year and doesn’t defend the rim. The cost for Randle was less than a million more than the non taxpayer, mid-level exception ($8.64 million and some change for 2018-19). But, that’s all good because they got Elfrid Payton –– a point guard who can’t rip twine beyond his leaning bouffant. Western Conference Finals, here we come!

Bootstrapping is people with #ATLShawty in their Twitter bio talking themselves into a draft-night Trae Young for Luka Doncic swap with Dallas. It’s Bulls fans believing Zach LaVine is worth $20 million a year to take and sometimes make really difficult off-the-dribble triples while running like a decapitated chicken on the other end of the court. It’s Orlando swapping Bismack Biyombo’s awful contract for Timofey Mozgov’s equally-as-awful contract, but without the complaints about lack of playing time. 

Speaking of Biyombo and Mozgov, bootstrapping season is pretending like your GM didn’t hogtie you to middling players in the summer of 2016, or blaming the lack of cap smoothing and the NBPA’s Michele Roberts for your team’s monstrosity of a roster, when it’s your general manager or owner that’s to blame. Bootstrapping is Knicks fans falling in love with Kevin Knox because of a few two-handed jams in Summer League. It’s every Summer League MVP ever (except Dame Lillard in 2012). 

Bootstrapping season means Kings fans talking themselves into Rodney Hood and Marvin Bagley over Luka Doncic and some unproven youngsters. It means Hornets fans thinking Kemba Walker will net a serious return in a trade, or MJ has a master plan to bring back the glory days of LJ, Muggsy and Alonzo Mourning (pre-meme head nod).

Bootstrapping is personified by every deal for Dwight Howard since 2013, and –– if we’re being honest –– every un-ironic reference to the Polish Hammer, Marcin Gortat. 

Dwane Casey can get Blake Griffin back to All-NBA levels, according to Motown bootstrappers. 

Maybe this is the year Andrew Wiggins makes the jump, or maybe it’s next season. Regardless, every July and August, Minney fans know the Wiggins jump is right around the corner: He’s Minnesota’s Ragged Dick. Oh yeah, Karl-Anthony Towns is gonna be a force in the middle under Tom Thibodeau. Bootstrapping never felt so easy as when Jimmy Butler joined the squad for next to nothing. 

Bootstrapping is believing the best player of his generation can save a metaphorical Hollywood sign that’s missing the “d,” regardless of the boots Bron rocks.

Bootstrapping season also afflicts legit contenders. It means applauding the Chris Paul, four-year max without acknowledging he’s going to be on the wrong side of 30 when that deal reaches $40 million a year, and after multiple knee surgeries and the most gnarled hands in the Association, that’s a whole lot of money for a player who might need a Cyborg-like jump in technology to remain on the court for a full season and a long playoff run. And, bootstrapping is pretending the loss of Trevor Ariza doesn’t matter because Carmelo Anthony is available! 

Bootstrapping is bringing Paul George back after he added a single win, hoping Andre Robertson can hit a wide-open 3 in the corner, and Jerami Grant can play big minutes at the 5 because then you’ll compete for a title (nevermind that your actual 5 is making the max –– and should be!)

Bootstrapping season is here. 

Have fun while it lasts because your bootstraps are liable to freeze and break when the weather turns.

*The etymology of the phrase is murky at best: it’s either a line from James Joyce in 1922′s Ulysses –– "There were others who had forced their way to the top from the lowest rung by the aid of their bootstraps." –– or there’s a wiki reference to an anthology book of 19th century English writers published a short time later. It doesn’t matter for the purposes of this post.

LeBron’s first free agency in Greenwich, CT made over $2 million for the Boys & Girls club.