Dedicating all of before to now

Remember that wonderful boy I posted about? The one who visited every year? Well we got married. A month after, he left home so we could work out being together forever. For a month I felt like living in a dream. A bubble of happiness I was so scared it would pop. And it did. He left.

Two weeks ago, the hardest thing I had to do, the hardest separation I have ever gone through. Not only that, but I had to leave our home. Pack my things and come back to my parents’ house.

Whatever life I managed to construct in this one year of independence, whatever memories, whatever achievements... fit in one single room. Not only that, but what was supposed to be the honeymoon year... got interrupted by life.

Needless to say, I’m very sad about all this. Even though I have managed to keep my mind busy, I have to come to a house that’s no longer my home, to not finding my husband.  Yesterday I found out my marriage is not registered. This is an important first step in getting my residence papers. It’s frustrating. It’s taking forever. It’s making me sad and angry, because all I want is to be as happy as I was two months ago.

Today we had our first fight caused by distance. Money (root of all evil, of course) is tight. We are trying to save for a not so bumpy start... but I’m miserable. I’m so sad without him. And I don’t believe anybody gets how sad this is.... especially because they try to make me feel better, by making me feel there is no reason to be sad. I listen to them. But the more I try to rationalize these feelings, this sadness, and try to see it from their perspective, the sadder I feel. Because I can’t. The bottom line is I’m miserable without my husband.

So I proposed we should see each other in the States, given I can’t go and spend time there, where I need a visa. He says no. His point is valid: money is tight. But when I give possible ways to work it out, he says no, still. Then he makes a comment, from which I got the following “ I was there for a year, if you didn’t make the most of it, it’s on you”. That hurt me. So much. And the reason I’m writing this to you, Tumblr, is because nobody else will get on my side.

I tried talking to my mother. What I got from her was: This is not his fault. Not precisely telling me it was my fault, but not his.

I just want someone to tell me “you’re worth going great lenghts for, He should do anything for you”. And that, without implying he should be the guy from The Notebook or some sort of Channing Tatum-Ryan Gosling-Bradley Cooper mix of perfection (Like my friends would imply). And I want my husband to show me he needs to see me as much as I do. Without implying my expectations on him are high...

I’m writing this to you, Tumblr, because I haven’t felt this sad, helpless, misunderstood, and ... well, alone, in a long time. I’m afraid for the future, I’m frustrated, and I can’t stop crying. My husband is a wonderful man. And I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know if I want to stop. I’m worried. This whole thing makes me so overwhelmed I can’t move.