it's all a dream

the more i think about the look at ellix gave me after i got him water and patted his back as he was sick over the toilet and then moved him to his bed, i get more mad... i just asked him to please drink water so he feels better in the morning and he fuckin shoots me this look like IM the one who forced him to drink all that alcohol and he just tries to make me feel so guilty for the feelings he has but its not my fault!!!!! its like he blames me for this all as if hes the victim!!! im not saying im a victim either bc i dont like looking at things that way bc ppl tend to label themselves as victims and justify things with that but i do feel like i am being guited and its a little manipulative of him to act like this. im sure he realizes this and will feel bad abt when he sobers up but like... fuck dude... u cant just do this shit to me, im a depressed, emotional wreck too and its not fair to me

tonight's been bad... i have to be up in 3 hours and i havent slept at all, it's like every traumatic experience i've been through is circulating in my head right now and i want to cry so bad but im just so numb and hollow and i can't make myself let go like that so im just laying here trying to force myself asleep unsuccessfully and wishing it was morning already