The Lord God All Mighty

Alternatively, send 'reverse + 🗡' for my muse (receiver) to hold a blase to your muse's throat.

Its taking a step back and remembering time where I just wanted to scream but I couldn't.

About times where I was the target of sex talk.

Absolutely threats to bash me head into a wall.

It sinks, and digs.

Far beneath everything....

I am not enough.

I am but a reject with bellow par dreams that will never come.

You’re a writer, an oc maker. Look at Sweet Tea, look at how well he is built and made. Look at your strengths, look at your times where things felt right, look at memories that made you grow.

I do not know your environment, but you mentioned that you used to get bullied and get threats from your head being hit against the wall. Including sexual mentions. Take a moment to reflect on what you went through. Genuinely. Don’t lie to yourself.

Now look at you. Holy fucking shit. You HANDLED that shit. Why? Because you are living to this day. You wouldn’t have handled it if you aren’t here today. That type of shit leads to the nowhere land but you? You’re here. You survive, you endured, and you went through the worse. Remind yourself that. Even if you feel weak or small, fragile or unable to defend yourself, you can endure it once more and push it through. This means you can push through your current feelings too.

You are worth something. You are enough. You are a living human being. We go through shit like this because we are human. What you are feeling is not alien-like, so don’t treat it as such.

Look at your strengths. We (your followers and friends) have seen your writings, rambling, drawing. You want to know what you lack? Your own strengths being recongnized by yourself. You don’t see them. You don’t see your own flaws, which makes you who you are. You don’t see yourself. Because you are not a bother to people. You are worth something. You are worth living.

And that is enough.

You are worth living.

Be kinder to yourself. And don’t be afraid to be yourself. No one deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or something stupid. I mean it. No one fucking deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or whatever. Because you will be you.

And stop it.

Just stop it.

Your thoughts, no matter what. Stop it.

To behonst, it [the thoughts] always seems to flair up around this time into early October. Because of a Friday in October that happened a couple of years ago.

And I don't like holding on to the inside thought so I let them go.

Also, it's currently really hard for me to properly let go of it all because im still around the main problem. Since they have made it so hard for me to break away. Financially tying up my money, amongst many things.

They are the one who have planted so many seeds. The seed that says im not enough as i am. The ones that say my are has no value. The ones that say I shouldn't waste my time in my hobbies. The ones that say I will never make it in the trades.

And the ones that threaten violence when provoked. But threats can't have anything done about them because there was no physical mark.

As for the sexual stuff... that is just the reminder on why I have grown a distaste for working in a woods shop with other people.

And I get it... I survived this long. But at what actually cost.

If i factors out so many things, I would be another statistic.

If i factor out all the art i have done in secret. If I factor out tumblr. If I just factor out all my outlets.

Yeah, I don't see me surviving long if I went back and removed those stones.

.....

You’ll be able to handle October. It’s just 31 days. Maybe make events for each day. Specific things to do on each day, to keep your mind busy.

Stay in this mindset for how long as you want. I won’t push the idea onto you if you are not willing to at least have a move on shifting negativity into a move of “fuck everything, only focusing on myself and the road ahead”. And it’s not easy, no way near easy. But it’s better than to dwell (of what I can see on your blog) on the past and soak into it. Some of your posts seem depressing, which indicates that you have problems that need to be resolved. In a healthy manner.

That might be a plan. Something to forget the mental scars.

Also I was apologizing to you. To everyone even.

For feeling bad about airing out my brain.

No one really should see it, even if it's me processing everything. Letting my brain go and letting it out because my normal releases are expensive, or complicated.

Its taking a step back and remembering time where I just wanted to scream but I couldn't.

About times where I was the target of sex talk.

Absolutely threats to bash me head into a wall.

It sinks, and digs.

Far beneath everything....

I am not enough.

I am but a reject with bellow par dreams that will never come.

You’re a writer, an oc maker. Look at Sweet Tea, look at how well he is built and made. Look at your strengths, look at your times where things felt right, look at memories that made you grow.

I do not know your environment, but you mentioned that you used to get bullied and get threats from your head being hit against the wall. Including sexual mentions. Take a moment to reflect on what you went through. Genuinely. Don’t lie to yourself.

Now look at you. Holy fucking shit. You HANDLED that shit. Why? Because you are living to this day. You wouldn’t have handled it if you aren’t here today. That type of shit leads to the nowhere land but you? You’re here. You survive, you endured, and you went through the worse. Remind yourself that. Even if you feel weak or small, fragile or unable to defend yourself, you can endure it once more and push it through. This means you can push through your current feelings too.

You are worth something. You are enough. You are a living human being. We go through shit like this because we are human. What you are feeling is not alien-like, so don’t treat it as such.

Look at your strengths. We (your followers and friends) have seen your writings, rambling, drawing. You want to know what you lack? Your own strengths being recongnized by yourself. You don’t see them. You don’t see your own flaws, which makes you who you are. You don’t see yourself. Because you are not a bother to people. You are worth something. You are worth living.

And that is enough.

You are worth living.

Be kinder to yourself. And don’t be afraid to be yourself. No one deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or something stupid. I mean it. No one fucking deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or whatever. Because you will be you.

And stop it.

Just stop it.

Your thoughts, no matter what. Stop it.

To behonst, it [the thoughts] always seems to flair up around this time into early October. Because of a Friday in October that happened a couple of years ago.

And I don't like holding on to the inside thought so I let them go.

Also, it's currently really hard for me to properly let go of it all because im still around the main problem. Since they have made it so hard for me to break away. Financially tying up my money, amongst many things.

They are the one who have planted so many seeds. The seed that says im not enough as i am. The ones that say my are has no value. The ones that say I shouldn't waste my time in my hobbies. The ones that say I will never make it in the trades.

And the ones that threaten violence when provoked. But threats can't have anything done about them because there was no physical mark.

As for the sexual stuff... that is just the reminder on why I have grown a distaste for working in a woods shop with other people.

And I get it... I survived this long. But at what actually cost.

If i factors out so many things, I would be another statistic.

If i factor out all the art i have done in secret. If I factor out tumblr. If I just factor out all my outlets.

Yeah, I don't see me surviving long if I went back and removed those stones.

.....

You’ll be able to handle October. It’s just 31 days. Maybe make events for each day. Specific things to do on each day, to keep your mind busy.

Stay in this mindset for how long as you want. I won’t push the idea onto you if you are not willing to at least have a move on shifting negativity into a move of “fuck everything, only focusing on myself and the road ahead”. And it’s not easy, no way near easy. But it’s better than to dwell (of what I can see on your blog) on the past and soak into it. Some of your posts seem depressing, which indicates that you have problems that need to be resolved. In a healthy manner.

Looks like something, is another thing

The Count looks like an albino, is not an albino

Dutch looks like a strong and sane leader, is actually a monster(specially in rdr1. He was oy kind to a few gang members and yes, he was a monster before the Colter chapter, he has been killing in cold blood at that point already, he IS a monster)

OMG WHAAAAT??? WHAAAAAAT??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY THOUGHT THAT FAR???

Molly and Dutch is a great example over Dutch’s narcissistic but romantic personality. Molly did a lot of fights, got girls to believe her, but everyone followed Dutch. No mattered what. Why? He gave them a home. A home that if they leave, they are done for. It’s possession. That’s why Dutch looked, sounded, or spoke in a concern way over Sean, Micah, John becoming missing or them needing a bail.

This is leadership. But also manipulation, narcissistic manipulation. He is possessive over his camp, and obsessive over Hosea, Arthur, and Micah. He wants to make sure they are okay, sleeping okay, eating okay, looking at the wall okay. Stupid shit. Obsessive shit. Dutch says ‘hai arthur ^^’ and what not.

Dutch is so.. interesting.

“I have a gang that does most of the work for me. I get to relax and do what I want. And the camp has faith and belief in me that I will leave them into great success.”

His mindset is like that all the time. It never had changed.

I don’t believe he was a monster 100%, but it was around 1890-1899 was the toughest years for him. And that began to make a decline in his health. Remember, he was already disobedient to his mother at a young age. This indicates him already having a chance to become more than what he projects. When Annabelle died, that’s when shit hit the fan for him. That’s when he spiraled. That’s when he lacked of care to people and himself. He also had Micah on the boat (if I remember) with him when they were running from Blackwater. Micah and him have similar personalities. However Dutch is patient and less impulsive than Micah (you see them talk all the time during guama, Dutch is the leader, he will make sure his idea is on the table before Micah’s plan is).

I believe he had sympathy during rdr2. But it’s more of a hunch. Usually, when you endured so much but relate to someone, you can’t help but to feel bad. Which is where Dutch comes in with himself protecting John and Arthur. Including the other camp members. He said himself, he saw the camp as family. An emotional attatchment, something that he would care for. Until later on events state that he tried to take care for.

He also expressed care by his last moments with John. “I have a plan John. My time has come.” And when he looked at John, it looked like it was full of regret.

Dutch did treat everyone by going to Tahiti and getting stuck at Guama (he was protective as shit and worried). He also did brought them to Saint Denis safely. It’s that leadership in him, but also that possessive hold he has on his people.

He’s a narcissistic man who tries to keep himself together. He has a thing he goes by. Steal only if the person is worth stealing. Leave the innocent alone. Which was a rule that Dutch broke. Avenging over the O’Driscolls is what burned him out the most too. Over Annabelle and loosing people, it’s them and the law that Dutch stressed over.

In rdr1, you get to see him more deranged and unstable. You get to see him unmasked. In rdr2, you can clearly tell he is blunt. Not afraid to speak his mind. Dutch states that he can’t stop hunting people, and he does it for sport. He does it until he can’t anymore. It’s not like he has a choice anyways either. He’s on the run constantly.

Its taking a step back and remembering time where I just wanted to scream but I couldn't.

About times where I was the target of sex talk.

Absolutely threats to bash me head into a wall.

It sinks, and digs.

Far beneath everything....

I am not enough.

I am but a reject with bellow par dreams that will never come.

You’re a writer, an oc maker. Look at Sweet Tea, look at how well he is built and made. Look at your strengths, look at your times where things felt right, look at memories that made you grow.

I do not know your environment, but you mentioned that you used to get bullied and get threats from your head being hit against the wall. Including sexual mentions. Take a moment to reflect on what you went through. Genuinely. Don’t lie to yourself.

Now look at you. Holy fucking shit. You HANDLED that shit. Why? Because you are living to this day. You wouldn’t have handled it if you aren’t here today. That type of shit leads to the nowhere land but you? You’re here. You survive, you endured, and you went through the worse. Remind yourself that. Even if you feel weak or small, fragile or unable to defend yourself, you can endure it once more and push it through. This means you can push through your current feelings too.

You are worth something. You are enough. You are a living human being. We go through shit like this because we are human. What you are feeling is not alien-like, so don’t treat it as such.

Look at your strengths. We (your followers and friends) have seen your writings, rambling, drawing. You want to know what you lack? Your own strengths being recongnized by yourself. You don’t see them. You don’t see your own flaws, which makes you who you are. You don’t see yourself. Because you are not a bother to people. You are worth something. You are worth living.

And that is enough.

You are worth living.

Be kinder to yourself. And don’t be afraid to be yourself. No one deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or something stupid. I mean it. No one fucking deserves to be in your presence if they find you annoying or whatever. Because you will be you.

And stop it.

Just stop it.

Your thoughts, no matter what. Stop it.

[ @red-dead-muses ]

[ @red-dead-muses ]