๐๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?
I'm still here; it's still me.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?
This place is the most disgusting and inimical I've ever known. We get cut open, bars in our chests, then we roll around in our own filth with bags and bottles of our own blood. It's been completely dead. I haven't had a roommate since I got back to the normal ward. The few other patients in the ward stare at meโat my marvel of six drainage bottles, all nearly full. I don't look back at them. I'm not supposed to be here.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ.
Everything Iโve done in the past year has been to come back here.
๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ?
๐๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ข ๐ง๐ข๐ช๐ญ๐ถ๐ณ๐ฆ?
๐๐ฐ, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ?
We go back and do it again.
๐๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ช๐ต ๐ข ๐ฃ๐ช๐ต ๐ด๐ช๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต?
No, it can be done. He just hasn't done it yet.
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ.
No, he's gone until the fourth.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ง๐ญ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ช๐ณ๐ด๐ต.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฃ๐ช๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ข๐บ ๐ช๐ด ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ.
๐๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ?
๐๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ญ๐บ?
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฎ๐ช๐ด๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฐ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ, ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฆ๐ญ๐จ๐ช๐ข๐ฏ, ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?
Yes, I do. I wish I could talk to him.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ข๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐๐ฆ๐ณ๐ณ๐บ?
Terry came into my room on December 24th flanked by two reluctant-looking male nurses wearing matching Santa hats. He was the large middle-aged man in the center, his gray hair also covered with a Santa hat. He was carrying a small gift basket.
"Do you speak English?" he asks with an accent.
"Oh! Where are you from, mate?"
"Oh! A Yankee! I'm from Australia. This is for you."
"Nobody wants to be in the hospital on Christmas."
๐๐ฆ ๐จ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข ๐จ๐ช๐ง๐ต ๐ฃ๐ข๐ด๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ค๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ค๐ฐ๐ญ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ ๐๐ข๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ด ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฆ๐จ๐จ๐ด.
Then he asked if I wanted anything, "A book, maybe?"
๐๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ข๐ญ๐ฌ.
And that he would come down later, so we could check out the cafeteria.
๐๐ช๐ฅ ๐๐ฆ๐ณ๐ณ๐บ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ?
๐๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ช๐ท๐ข๐ต๐ฆ ๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐ช๐ค ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ง๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ณ, ๐ช๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ?
That's where we had tea this morning.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต'๐ด ๐ช๐ต ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ถ๐ฑ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ?
It's nicer than a rich American hospital. Where we get water, they get sodas, juices, espresso, loose leaf tea. All different kinds of fruit, candy, daily newspapers. The tables are marble, the floors are carpeted. He let me stuff my pockets with green tea since we only have black.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ?
He works for an Australian-based mining company in Uzbekistan. He fell and fucked up his left eye; he's lost sight in it and they're still trying to get it back. He had to be flown out of the country immediately. The closest eye specialists were in the United Kingdom.
Or Germany, at the Helios hospital on the outskirts of Berlin.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ.
He vomits inches away from me as I'm eating my breakfast.
๐๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ญ๐ข๐ด๐ต ๐ฏ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต?
He shat himself in his bed.
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ด ๐๐ฏ๐จ๐ญ๐ช๐ด๐ฉ.
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ'๐ด ๐ค๐ญ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ข๐จ๐ฆ.
19. A swede. He's a big fucking baby. He keeps whining to the nurses about an "English speaking person" that's supposed to be here to help him. He also has a personal servant, his father.
๐๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ข๐ญ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ.
๐๐ฆ ๐จ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ช๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ.
I offered to pay. He wouldn't let me.
๐๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ช๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ฑ๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ, 25, ๐ข ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?
I heard he's stuck in the IMC; they removed one of his drains and he started spewing blood.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ญ.
I'm back to "normal" in a week and a half.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ๐ด ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐บ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฎ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ.
I don't want their help. I don't want to be here.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ.
My one and only life as a 22-year-oldโevery move was so that I could be here, where I donโt want to be.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐๐ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ?
I went looking for her on Christmas. She told me she was working then. I guess I never got her name. I thought it started with an 'A', but the nurses that were there told me there was no such person. The problem was she always worked late at night, after the wards lock up and you can't get into them without buzzing the desk. I have to come up with an excuse to be there each time. It's even more difficult considering it's mostly infants there. Whatever, I will find her this week.
๐๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ณ๐ข๐ฑ.
Tomorrow, I'll have my final drain bag removed, then I can have a proper shower and shave and finally put on some clothes I like. I can't wait.
"๐๐ข๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ค๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฏ๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐บ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ!"
๐๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐๐ธ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐ฉ ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฎ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ?
He won't shut up. His father won't fucking leave.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ธ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ฅ๐ถ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐๐ข๐ณ ๐๐?
I'm pretty sure 1) nothing, and 2) sell weapons to Hitler.
๐๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ?
Ironically, they took me to the pediatric intensive ward to have the final drain removed. She was there. She helped removed the drain.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ด๐ข๐บ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ?
Nothing, I got distracted. It was weird. I couldn't say anything. She tried talking to me.
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ?
They hit me in the metaphorical nuts; the two doctors started talking about how wonderful my result was.
๐๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฏ?
Yeah, that's what he said. Fucking hell.
๐๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข๐ณ๐จ๐ถ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฎ.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐จ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ๐ด๐ต ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ถ๐ณ๐จ๐ฆ๐ณ๐บ ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต.
They said it would be the worst idea in the whole worldโthe bars could easily get infected and then they would all have to come out. My chest doesn't have enough blood right now in order to tolerate the healing process. It couldn't be done, they said.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ช๐ต; ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ญ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ช๐ญ๐บ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ค๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐บ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ด ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ: ๐ฏ๐ฐ ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ถ๐ณ๐ข๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ง๐ง๐ถ๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ, ๐ฏ๐ฐ ๐ฑ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ข๐น.
And how Iโm always going to find something wrong with it.
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ข๐ญ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐บ.
๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ด๐ข๐ช๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ๐ต ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ค๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ณ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ท๐ข๐ญ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ช๐ต ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ช๐ฎ๐ฆ.
I'm never coming back to this place. Not one more penny from me. They have to fix it now.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐๐ณ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ณ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ช๐ฏ ๐๐ฐ๐ด ๐๐ฏ๐จ๐ฆ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด.
No matter how many there are, we'll find a way. It's just taking something out; a proper surgeon's job.
๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ?
๐๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ต ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ.
But I suspect that will change at some point in the near future.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ'๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ง๐ช๐ฏ๐ช๐ด๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฆ๐ต.
Last night I dreamt that I was at home arguing with my mom, about still being in pain, and having to come up with another seven thousand dollars in order to go back, and being so frustrated and feeling so helpless that I was in this situation again.
๐๐ถ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ถ๐ฑ, ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ.
I woke up, and I was still here.