June 19, 2019
Timestamp 4:36 p.m. So this may be all over the place because I'm watching anime right now-- Oh, if y'all didn't know I'm basically an otaku. I love anime more than anything and I always will. Tbh it's the only thing that gets me through life anymore, like I can't really focus on anything else, I can't really depend on anything else.
I could barely get out of bed today. I kept trying to get up because I was so hungry that it made me nauseated, but I just kept trying to get up and it was like my brain and my body were telling me to sleep. To stay in bed for the rest of the day and just stay like that for the rest of the summer. Idk what that fully has to do with anything, and I'm not going to jump to conclusions like "oh, this is a side effect of my depression", but if I'm being honest maybe it is. I don't know what it was, but yesterday was my fourth consecutive day of watching anime (today is my fifth) and maybe it was because I was watching it for so long, but it didn't entertain me. It didn't fill me up like it normally doesā¦ it didn't complete me. That was one of the first times in a while where nothing curbed my boredom. Where nothing could make me feel anything. And I'm being honest when I say it. Imagine you're holding a pillow all night and then when you wake up, it's gone. It's gone and you can feel the emptiness from it, as if It was embedded in your arms and the imprint won't leave. Like if you ran your hand over an indent in your skin, you can feel the place where it was (told you this is all over the place).Imagine that feeling, but inside of your head, inside of your soul. I felt absolutely empty. I didn't feel any regard for anything, I literally felt like a sack of flesh. I felt alone. I remember saying I felt lonely before, but you can feel lonely with a room full of people just bc you have no one to chat with. But I felt alone. Do you understand the difference? I felt as if I didn't belong anywhere, as if I had no purpose, as if no one cared about me, as if if I Ā left my house no one would notice. I felt alone. I felt cornered by the white walls in my room, and I started thinking to myself "don't get attached to anyone because at the end of the day, you're going to be the one crying at night when none of them just happen to have no time. You're going to be the one six feet under ground." And then it stopped. The thoughts stopped. To be honest I've actually become really absent-minded lately, so I can't even remember what I did a couple of hours ago without racking my brain. Anyway, enough of this. I'm going to go back to watching my anime. However, if I can say one more thing; I think my time is finally catching up to me. Yay.
Cunningly, Daisy
