I thought a lot about it. Before and after. Definitely was never sure how to feel about it. I had to say something, even if it was a mistake. In the end I only feel sympathy. You said not to talk to you so I only responded when you did. But I need to get this out of my head. An unorganized clearing of my mind:
I was only taken aback by how immediately and completely you turned me into a mirror for yourself. My only change in talking was adjusting to that and recognizing that anything else was for sure useless.
Admittedly the conversation did reveal my own shortcomings in communication. I did not mean for my laughing at "medical half-measures" to be directed at you. I apologize for that. To me it's the same thing as laughing at something like "Irreversible damage."
It was also really funny that you could only see me as someone who must not understand you or the dissociation you inhabit. Bitch please
The thing is you look like someone who did almost have a successful transition. And it seems like you did that with, imo, only very low dose estrogen. Your belief on that part of total failure is to me subjective and yet it seems you wear the cage you find yourself in with pride (how ironic!). That's the part I don't get and I find frustrating as a reader. Thus the intent and tone of my og message. I thought I was being curious enough.
You call that message supportive and nice and also terrifying and hurtful. You accuse whatever trans monolith you see me to be apart of to be like a hugbox, I call your refusal of your transness pathetic, and you are hurt. Ok. I do not apologize for that. I would rather be seen as cruel than apart of whatever normie trans culture you think I am advocating for.
Maybe I was wrong and misguided in my approach. But I am being sincere and you hyperbolically made a lot of wrong assumptions about me and my intent. (which is fine, I suppose. I hold a strong belief that people are allowed to fuck themselves up as much as they want. They don't need to change. They need support while they keep making those mistakes over and over. Then try something new and keep fucking up. I know deeply what that is like cause I've been there. I also know eventually that cycle breaks one way or another. I see yours breaking very soon. All you can offer is support and resources. A reality check occasionally. That's what I appreciated during my decades of suffering). I see your response more of a reflection of yourself than saying anything real about me.
The thing is, I do see a passage you apparently don't see and never stepped through. I don't know how else to say that without it seeming like I think I'm better. I'm not better. I just love being trans.
I just wanted you to do anything different than what youre doing now. You're standing in a bonfire and i'm asking if you want some water. I'm not promising to put out the fire. I couldn't stand reading your tribulations any longer without speaking up just once. That's my mistake in your eyes. I find no praise or pride to be had in the bare minimum. I got my own fire to manage. That fire and burning never goes away, it's true
But I did break my own plexiglass cage. I remember using that same exact language as you once upon a time. I had to dissolve myself. Do you know how many times i have reincarnated in my single life? Four times. I remember each cocoon with pain and respect. Even though you are younger, I in fact remember you as someone who was inspiring to me. You started hormones only slightly before me. It was helpful to see you try. I then checked out of tumblr and upon return a couple years ago, confused to find you in your current situation. I kept reading until I couldn't anymore.
You are wasting so much energy keeping up this lie to yourself that you are uniquely unfixable.
I wrote all of this because I see so much of myself in you, all of you.
The only difference is like. Have you simply tried loving yourself?
Am I wrong for trying to talk to a transexual that has such a deep belief she hasn't already changed her gender? Maybe. Probably it seems. My bad.
So I'll stop reading your blog and end with my sympathy and as always:
<3
