Free me from this hell

• I will never be satisfied, I always feel empty..

• I don’t want to push you away, I’m just really insecure.

•I just want to be loved, but I’m scared you’ll leave me. So I leave first.. • I constantly feel like a burden, which is why I ruin relationships. I feel like you’re better off without me.

• I hate myself more then you could ever hate me.

• When you say something to me, you’ll forget about it .. but it sticks in my mind and haunts me.

• You may not understand my ways, but my feelings are very real to me.

• I’m not looking for Attention.

• BPD is not like most mental health issues, there is no cure. You can’t drug me with meds and except a change.

• Don’t judge my ways, unless you know exactly what it’s like.

It is all an illusion

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here apart of this illusion

It has no meaning

And I wonder why

       Why I allow thoughts of you in

              Here where there is no meaning

It is a dark dark world

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here deep under the darkness

It comes from you…

This darkness,

       The thoughts of you pull me in

              And the illusion you brought to my life

                     Pulls my life down to your level

       The manifestation smashes into my mind,

              And it is overwhelming

                     Smashes the day with pure darkness

       The reflection covers me with a dark fog

              And I cannot see through the darkness  

                     Covered by the illusion

       The feelings burn my eyes

              And I wonder why I am here again      

                     Burned by the judgment of you

It is all an illusion

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here apart of this illusion

It is far from my pure eager life

And I wonder why

       Why are you still here?  

              Here against my pure power

It is my mind that has traveled on

And I wonder why  

       Why did you find your way into my head?     

              Here in the mind, that has forbid your entry

It is all an illusion

This poem is about the darkness .. that I allow CT to bring into my life .. it is such a dark world he brings to me, and I fight it, yet it overcomes me at times. I knew not to let him in, not even to use him to pay for the hotel, that I would let him hook me in, and then he would pull his usual twisted self, and turn on me. I knew it would happen, it always does, a week to two after and he is back to saying I am crazy, (yet I have done nothing crazy) I let him pull me through this horrible darkness, that rips through my mind, and all that I have worked for, all the positive I have focused on, is covered by this dark fog he brings.. I will not let it linger this time.. I will stop it now, and let it all go, he doesn’t even deserve the right for my anger.. he is dark dark energy.. pure dark energy  and I wish for only love, freedom, kindness, joy, peace and pure delightful energy…

Me 50 times a day: “are you okay?”

It is all an illusion

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here apart of this illusion

It has no meaning

And I wonder why

       Why I allow thoughts of you in

              Here where there is no meaning

It is a dark dark world

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here deep under the darkness

It comes from you…

This darkness,

       The thoughts of you pull me in

              And the illusion you brought to my life

                     Pulls my life down to your level

       The manifestation smashes into my mind,

              And it is overwhelming

                     Smashes the day with pure darkness

       The reflection covers me with a dark fog

              And I cannot see through the darkness  

                     Covered by the illusion

       The feelings burn my eyes

              And I wonder why I am here again      

                     Burned by the judgment of you

It is all an illusion

And I wonder why

       Why I find myself

              Here apart of this illusion

It is far from my pure eager life

And I wonder why

       Why are you still here?  

              Here against my pure power

It is my mind that has traveled on

And I wonder why  

       Why did you find your way into my head?     

              Here in the mind, that has forbid your entry

It is all an illusion

This poem is about the darkness .. that I allow CT to bring into my life .. it is such a dark world he brings to me, and I fight it, yet it overcomes me at times. I knew not to let him in, not even to use him to pay for the hotel, that I would let him hook me in, and then he would pull his usual twisted self, and turn on me. I knew it would happen, it always does, a week to two after and he is back to saying I am crazy, (yet I have done nothing crazy) I let him pull me through this horrible darkness, that rips through my mind, and all that I have worked for, all the positive I have focused on, is covered by this dark fog he brings.. I will not let it linger this time.. I will stop it now, and let it all go, he doesn’t even deserve the right for my anger.. he is dark dark energy.. pure dark energy  and I wish for only love, freedom, kindness, joy, peace and pure delightful energy…

Me 50 times a day: “are you okay?”

in no particular order (because I have depression and executive dysfunction):

1. If something sensory about cleaning bothers you, eliminate that before you start. For example, I wear gloves to do the dishes. If the sound of the vacuum bothers you, wear headphones and turn up the music. etc.

2. If you can, make a list of everything that needs to be done. Then acknowledge that you probably can’t do it all, and circle all the things that absolutely, no matter what, have to be done. Pick one (ONE! ONLY ONE! START WITH ONE!) of those things and break it down into smaller steps. Then even smaller steps. Seriously, if step one is “stand up” and step two is “walk to closet” and step 3 is “get mop”, that’s fine. It can be that small.

3. Take a break. “But I literally only started five minutes ago!” Don’t care. If you want a break, take a break. “At this point I’ve spent more time on breaks than I’ve spent on cleaning.” Ok, but you’ve spent more than zero time on cleaning, so you’ve accomplished more than you had at the beginning. “If I take a break it won’t get done!” If you burn out it won’t get done either. Take a break.

4. If nothing is working, try what I call bin cleaning/box cleaning. Take a big trash bag and a box. Pick up the first object you see. Step 1: Is it trash? Put it in the trash bag. Step 2: Will you use it in the next 2 days? No? Put it in the box. It’s a problem for Future You. If you’ll use it in the next 2 days, take time to put it away. Rinse and repeat.

5. Did you get distracted and forget what you were doing? Don’t worry about it. Just clean a thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s the thing you were cleaning before. You have to clean lots of things, so just pick a thing and clean it. Eventually you’ll get around to the thing you forgot.

6. If you have to do a thing you really hate, do a thing you like afterwards. I hate doing dishes, but folding laundry soothes me, so that’s a nice one to do afterwards. YMMV. If there are no cleaning things you like that you can do afterwards, see number 3.

7. Make it fun. Play loud music and dance while you’re cleaning. Wear something that makes you feel cute, or if you prefer, something comfy. Light your favorite candle. Whatever.