read you like a magazine.

Reese: Okay, wow!!! You're getting a live review here, you look hot as fuck! You make those royals look good. Did you see my outfit? I only had one but it was still spicy in the best way possible. Ugh I get what you mean. I love that feeling of looking the best in the room. We may not be able to do costumes year-round but we at least have our formal wear. We just need more events to attend.

Reese: oh no! I didn't but please enlighten me! It would be a total shame for me not to witness your Halloween bombshells!

Lemon: I'd much rather look beautiful and elegant than just *alive*!

Lemon: Very true and noted! Just cut one of the T'challa looks out? Maybe the battle suit since EVERYONE does the most obvious one when they do hero costumes and you wouldn't want to match anyone else?

Fraser: Congratulations, you got your wish.

Lemon: At least it’s a victorian ghost. They were very elegant and beautiful back then, thank you 😌

Lemon: Really? What are your top five? I can’t decide between Marie Antoinette, An Austin Powers Fembot, Elaine from the Love Witch, Séverine from Belle de Jour and Danielle from Ever After, so i’ll probably have to come up with some way to do them all.

Fraser: Yes, a very elegant and beautiful *corpse*.

Lemon: [insert mean joke here about how you don’t need a mask for halloween because you’re scary looking enough on your own]

Fraser: Coming from someone who could easily be mistaken for a Victorian ghost? Please.

Lemon:Thank you! Ikr!! Omg pls. That’s so blasphemous! Emily Dickinson is amazing! I could never write anything as succinctly as she does. But you are right about me not being able to pull off an all white aesthetic. I might be able to pull off an all pink one maybe?

Lemon: (I think what we’ve really learned here is that you’re so awful I can’t even insult you correctly because it’s just SO off putting that my brain gets scrambled! Thus an easier target than you would be such a low bar that it’s not even worth it. YES I AM! I’m not hating on you! I’m hating on your kissing, that’s different!) Well that was your mistake and i’m choosing to ignore it. Anyway Carter and Clarissa would probably say Romeo too or at least top two since Liam is so nice 🤔 HOW WOULD YOU TELLING ME WHAT TURN YOU ON BE LESS AWKWARD THAN YOU SOAKING IN YOUR AROUSAL ALONE! IF I DID THAT YOU’D SEE HOW AWKWARD IT IS SO FAST! SEX HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM. DUH.

Lemon: 🤮 QUIT IT!

Fraser: Your hair almost always looks perfect though. I really liked the hairstyle you did at your party, just saying. That was even better than usual. And I KNOW she's fantastic, Dickinson is one of the best writers of our time but I said what I said. Oh yeah, an all pink look for sure. That's like your natural state almost.

Fraser: (So what you're saying is that I scramble your brain? That's so cute of you, that I still leave you all flustered even after knowing you so long. YOU'RE SO HATING ON ME! My kissing is part of me and it's a great part!) I'm not surprised -- you choose to ignore most of what I say whenever it isn't convenient for you or you can't back it up, so I'm pretty used to that. Wow, three votes. How... prolific. I THOUGHT IT'D GET YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT, LIKE A SENSIBLE PERSON! I DIDN'T WANT TO START DISCUSSING MY AROUSAL, I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TRY AND FORGET IT! AND YES, GOOD, A+ FOR YOU -- NOW, WHAT HAPPENS DURING SEX?

Lemon: Sent it on zapchat!! I GUESS!!! i’m so tired of talking about public perception, I’m this 👌🏻 close to pulling an Emily Dickinson and living the rest of my life as a beautiful recluse writing hundreds of great works that will only be found by my siblings post mortem!

Lemon: (No, ofc not. But that’s not relevant to me insulting you so shut up! I’m less biased than you and the people you’ve kissed so I’m still right.) I know it’s not MY fault that you suck. You didn’t say anything about another person needing an unbiased opinion! That’s because they’d probably give it to all the princes that are higher up in the ranks than he is! It’s not HIS fault that he’s the second born child of a second born prince! I BROUGHT IT UP BECAUSE IT WAS BROUGHT UP TO ME! AND THEN YOU CALLED IT HOT WHICH STARTED THIS SPIRAL! YOU ARE TOO WEIRD AND I’M NOT AN IDIOT, STRAWBERRIES FOR BRAINS. I HAVE THE INTERNET AND I HAVE CABLE! I KNOW WHATS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN THE BEDROOM! 🙄

Lemon: 🤢🤢🤢

Fraser: Wow. From the king of good hair, I've got to say, your hair is looking really good, top tier, good job. You could never pull an Emily Dickinson. You're a better writer than her and you look way too good in too many colors to commit to a pure white aesthetic.

Fraser: (I think what we've really learned here is that your insults could use some work. Or maybe it's just hard for you to insult me in particular because of how great I am, we need to find you an easier target. No, you're not! You're determined to hate on me, that's not biased!) I didn't think that that elaborating another person needs to ACTUALLY think he's a good prince and not just have a crush on him needed to be said. I know it's not his fault that he's born what he was, I'm just saying that if he's doing anything good with that position nobody but you seems to care or notice. SHOULD I HAVE NOT CALLED IT HOT AND JUST SILENTLY SAT THERE SOAKING IN THE FACT THAT IT TURNED ME ON? I'D RATHER CALL IT OUT, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT'D AVOID AWKWARDNESS. I'M NOT WEIRD, LEMONADE MOUTH, YOU'RE THE WEIRD ONE! YOU DO? THEN TELL ME. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM? I'M DYING TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE GLEANED FROM THE INTERNET AND CABLE.

Lemon: I am constantly impressive! Did you see my hair today? AMAZING! AND I DON’T KNOW! IT WAS A BAD IDEA, I ADMIT IT!!! I know but I hurt both of us over a bad idea based on someone else’s bad faith assumptions about our friendship, that’s a sad thing!!

Lemon: (Yeah, like my Auntie Tia’s fairy tale where she turned into a FROG after! Because I KNOW how bad your kissing is, I think we should assume I’M right.) What can I say, I’m an incredibly talented girl. The fact that you aren’t awed daily is a problem. No, but I’m sure other people think so too! Margo must otherwise that would be so awkward?? I DIDNT BRING UP HER BEING TURNED ON BY ME! YOU DID! AND THEN YOU MADE IT WEIRD! BECAUSE YOU ARE WEIRD AND YOU’RE PROBABLY SO WEIRD IN BED AND I’M GOING TO ASK MAGNOLIA IF SHE THINKS YOU’D BE WEIRD TOO! I’m so glad to hear that! Being a loser must be such a hard job and it would be wrong of me to overlook your service. Because without losers how could we know who’s truly cool? It doesn’t!!!!

Lemon: I hate you so much.

Fraser: Send a picture. YEAH BUT AT LEAST WE'RE HERE NOW. I guess. Public perception is a pretty big thing though and if no one ever assumes we fucked in a closet again, it'd have been worth it, I guess. I didn't like people thinking I was a closet-fucker either.

Fraser: (Did you miss the part where that fairy tale leads to true love and happily ever after? I've kissed people more often than you've been kissed by me so I'm still the resident expert on my own kisses, thanks!) You definitely keep things interesting. And I can't deny your talent but I'm a difficult man to impress, it's not your fault. I don't think the girl he's dating counts as an unbiased opinion though. If Auradon took a poll of best princes in all the land, I'd bet Romeo wouldn't even make it into the top ten. YOU BROUGHT UP BEING A SCREAMER OR WHATEVER IN THE FIRST PLACE, THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT! I'M NOT WEIRD BUT EVEN IF I WAS, I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "WEIRD IN BED" MEANS! YOU'VE BARELY EVEN KISSED ANYONE SO I'M SURE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVEN SHOULD HAPPEN IN THE BEDROOM! I wouldn't know but it does sound rough. We should thank them all for their services. Okay, sure, whatever you say.

Lemon: Neither I’m perfect and you should be constantly impressed by me and my refusal to listen to dumb advice! YEAH BUT ME GHOSTING YOU AFTER THAT WOULD BE EVEN DUMBER!!! Oh no, now i’m sad again. 😥

Lemon: (Well even though it doesn’t count, it’s my only kiss so it sounds correct to me! I bet it would not! It would probably be so bad and so gross that I wouldn’t ever want to be kissed again!) It’s not generous! You asked what he was wonderful at and he IS wonderful at those things. Other people consider him that, I’m SURE! But he’s good, kind and amazing at representing the people of Maldonia in a way that makes him a metaphorical king amongst princes! 🙄🙄🙄 NO! DON’T BE A PERV! A TRUE SCIENTIFIC SPECIMEN IN WEIRDNESS MAYBE IF YOUR KISSES ARE ANY INDICATION! It really must be so hard for you, my condolences always 💐 I’D BET!!!!! No I don’t. I only seeeem like I do because I love you and don’t want your widdle feelings to be hurt because i’m nice like that!

Lemon: FINE! What is your type though OUTSIDE of not like Magnolia!? If I ever want to set you up with someone, I should know what kind of girl to keep an eye out for! 1) Simple. I’d just try to break you both up in a way that won’t make me have to pick sides. Duh! 2) You’d better.

Fraser: I'll be constantly impressed by you whenever you start being constantly impressive, my friend. AND? PEOPLE ASSUME DUMB, DUMBER, AND DUMBEST THINGS! Don't be sad, you get to talk to me again, you should be ecstaic.

Fraser: (It'd be like a damn fairy tale, a second kiss! And I'd bet my life savings on that! But eh, it's not as if we're ever going to get a chance to find out which of us would be right, so let's just assume I'd be.) I did ask, and you made me immediately regret asking, what a talent you have! Has any other person ever told you that they think Romeo is the best prince ever? Because I've never heard anyone but you really talk about him much at all. I'M NOT BEING A PERV! YOU BROUGHT UP YOURSELF IN A SEXUAL SITUATION AND STARTED ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT IT, I'M A MAN AND MY MIND WANDERS! I'M NOT WEIRD! WEIRDLY AMAZING, MAYBE, BUT I'M A VERY SOLID LOVER! Thank you, your sweet, sweet condolences are the only things that get me through my long and dreary Lemon-less days. And I love you as well, Líomóid, so I'll let you pretend what I say doesn't matter to you as much as it does.

Lemon: Yes, frequently! I’m working on it! IT’S OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR /US/ SO I WASN’T THINKING ABOUT IT!!! I won’t! I cannot being to imagine the damage it must’ve done to deprive you of my je ne sais quoi for as long as I did! Also I was so bored without you too.

Lemon: (It’s not like I didn’t ask you to kiss me! So the crying wasn’t THAT relevant to me not being impressed by what you call a kiss. So even on an “even” playing field, I bet I wouldn’t!) NO HE’S NOT!!!!!!! He’s wonderful at styling himself, rowing, and being the absolute best prince in all of Auradon! I am not wrong. You’re fantastique ofc, but he’s….EVERYTHING. IT WON’T BE!! ALSO SHE’S LIKE ALWAYS HALF TURNED ON, IT’S HER WHOLE THING! WELL I’M GONNA CROSS IT OUT OF PURE SPITE! I BET YOU’RE WEIRD IN THERE!! I do have a lot of friends, blaireau!!! I REALLY AM! I’M GLAD YOU’VE NOTICED!!!!! I’ll definitely care more about the fact that I’ll have finally landed the love of my life than about what YOU have to say about him, but ok!

Lemon: I KNOW WHAT I SAID! BUT IT WAS SO MEH! Also as if. 1) I’d feel left out and 2) I think it would be gross!

Fraser: "Frequently"? I don't know what disappoints me more, that my advice for you is apparently so frequent or that despite its frequency you've yet to take it to heart. THE FUCKING IN THE CLOSET IS OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR US TOO BUT WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT PUBLIC PERCEPTION?! It did irreperable damage, I'll never be right again. I could've guessed but it's nice to know, too.

Fraser: (Yeah, after crying for like five minutes and downing a hearty sip of bourbon in a closet with tons of people outside the door, not exactly the prime real estate for kissing that you'd think it is. I bet it would! I bet you'd be dazed and damn near blown away!) I'll give him those first two, even if I think "wonderful" is kind of generous for just following trends and knowing a sport, but elaborate on the third. What does he do to be considered the "absolute best prince in all of Auradon" by absolutely nobody else but you? And, again, I'm going to let that one slide because they say love is blind and infatuation is just downright stupid, but don't push it. IS SHE USUALLY HALF-TURNED ON BY YOU THOUGH? BECAUSE CONGRATULATIONS, THAT'S A HOT IMAGE TOO, JEEZ. HOW DARE YOU. I'M SPECTACULAR IN THE BEDROOM! A TRUE SPECIMEN! I know, I barely get a chance to see you with how impacted your schedule is, trying to get them all in there. IT'S HARD NOT TO NOTICE THINGS ABOUT YOU WHEN THEY'RE ALL SO AGGRESSIVELY IN YOUR FACE! Please, you care way too much about what I say. It's an incredibly endearing trait of yours.

Lemon: I wasn’t rudely ignoring your question, I was focusing on you being annoying! OKAY I KNOW! BUT WHO GHOSTS THEIR BEST FRIENDS? NO ONE! …PROBABLY! And yeah, wasn’t my best but it also wasn’t my worst either, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lemon: (It is NOT my fault that I think you’re an ew kisser! You’re just an ew kisser!) I SPADE ISN’T A SPADE! He’s wonderful and I love him!!! Okay maybe you’re better at not comparing family members and I love that about you lots! But pls, You’re not better than /Romeo/ 🤣 FINE, I’LL TALK ABOUT IT WITH MAGNOLIA INSTEAD. AND WE’RE GONNA SPECULATE WHAT YOU’RE LIKE SEXUALLY. I know right? My standards for male friends are clearly nonexistent. I DON’T APPRECIATE THE SARCASM I’M REALLY NOT!!! I’M GENTLE!!! He will! He really will!! Someday!!!

Lemon: That was not good enough for me. That was just LONG FORM Not Magnolia! Do better!

Fraser: Has anyone ever kindly suggested to you that your priorities are insanely whack? A LOT OF PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS TO THEIR FRIENDS AFTER KISSING OR WHATEVER, IT WOULDN'T BE OUT OF THE QUESTION. Just don't do it again. My life gets boring without you.

Fraser: (Well, anyone would think a kiss was an ew kiss if they were just crying, that's not fair! Circumstances were stacked against me! Given an even playing field, you'd be daydreaming about doing it again.) YOU'RE RIGHT, HE'S NOT A SPADE, HE'S A GARBAGE PERESON. I know you love him but even you can't seriously think he's wonderful. Name three things he's "wonderful" at. I'm going to let that comment pass because you're obsessed with him but you're so wrong. GOOD, I'M SURE THAT'LL BE MUCH LESS AWKWARD FOR YOU ESPECIALLY SINCE SPECULATING YOUR SEXUAL NATURE WON'T ACCIDENTALLY TURN HER ON. AND HEY NOW, NO SPECULATING ABOUT ME IN THE BEDROOM! THAT'S CROSSING A LINE! Yeah, they must be, that's why you have sooooooooooo many. ME, SARCASTIC? WITH YOU? NEVER! I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY YOU'RE AS GENTLE AS AN EYELASH KISS, AS SOFT AS A FEATHER GENTLY LANDING ON YOUR NOSE! If he does, I'll take back everything I've said about him, so there's that to look forward to.

Lemon: You guessed rudely! Anyways I was just DISTANCING us so no one else thought we were doing anything inappropriate in the closet! No one ices out people they just had sex with! Like I regret it because I did miss you a lot but no one’s talking about it anymore so I win.

Lemon: (Ew.) I DON’T KNOW! SOMETHING ELSE, IMBÉCILE! That’s because you’ve always been /my/ best friend first, you weren’t immediately exposed to us all as a trio or even just me and Carter as The Twins since he wasn’t in our class the year we met, so it doesn’t count! I AM! WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE ME FOR A SCREAMER! HE THINKS I’M TOO LOUD ANYWAY EVEN OVER TEXTS! I’M SURE I’D BE TOO LOUD SEXUALLY, I’D HAVE FUN!! I knoow, some times I expect you to be a normal kind person, it’s so weird. THAT SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE I’M NOT AGGRESSIVE!!! I’ve been waiting forever but like SO? Even if it is him and not just blindness. Love changes people all the time and I love him more than anything! He’ll see the facts eventually, I’m sure.

Lemon: I got distracted by the horrors of her propositioning you and completely missed the word drunk. Nooo now I’m extremely curious! What about Magnolia makes her not your type!

Fraser: I was merely matching the energy of someone rudely ignoring my question. Are you kidding me? TONS of people ice out people they just had sex with, it's literally a phenomenon known as "ghosting"! It happens every day, and if people think you're the kind to fuck in a closet then they definitely wouldn't think you're above ghosting. And in the meantime it just made us miss each other so maybe it wasn't the best plan you've ever had.

Fraser: (Just because there's something wrong with you at a chemical level where you don't react to my kisses the way you should is no reason to say 'ew' about it!) I'M THE TYPE TO CALL A SPADE A SPADE, YA DOATY DOBBER! I WON'T CALL HIM A GARBAGE PERSON ONCE HE STOPS BEING ONE. I've met lots of people as a family or as a unit and still manage to avoid directly comparing them to each other, especially to their faces, but maybe I'm just better than Romeo and that's why. I DON'T KNOW BUT CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU'D BE LIKE SEXUALLY? THANKS. It's very strange, as if anyone who could stand to befriend you would be normal. NO, OF COURSE NOT!!! Will he? Will he really? When?

Lemon: RUDE!

Lemon: (Literally WHO are you kissing that actually swoons when you do it? And are they okay?) You’re right, I don’t like the answer quit it! That’s EXACTLY what having an older sister is like! That’s what Romeo does, that’s what MOST people do! I shudder to think what people would think of me if I wasn’t actually better than her in every way possible! SO SHOULD I BE INSULTED THEN THAT HE DIDN’T TAKE ME FOR A SCREAMER???? Well you could’ve just said that then! It’s so much nicer. I’M NOT AGGRESSIVELY AGGRESSIVE! He’s not an idiot either!!! He’s just idk blind rn! He’ll get over it, I’m sure!

Lemon: You did but idk! For all I know you could’ve decided to move it to a bedroom because she picked a bad location! But good! What IS your type then?

Fraser: I'm not being "rude", I'm just GUESSING since you haven't told me why yet!

Fraser: (I don't know, girls I go on a date or two with? I don't do it often but when it happens, they're always left wanting more, so maybe they're not okay since I'm denying them more Fraser.) YOU ASKED, what was I supposed to say besides the truth? I've never compared you to Clarissa, or Carter for that matter. I don't see the point in that sort of thing, and if you didn't compare yourself to her, maybe that'd set the tone and people would get the hint to quit that too. I'D BE INSULTED. Yeah, because "so much nicer" is totally my jam. OKAY SURE YOU'VE CONVINCED ME!!!! How long have you been waiting for him to get over it? Seriously, Lemon. At some point you've got to realize that it isn't something blinding him, it's just HIM

Lemon: I REPEAT! I DID NOT WANT TO MAKE YOU CRY!!!! And no I’m not HAPPY that you weren’t happy! Neither was I but I had to!!!

Lemon: Ummm tbd, but I don’t like garbage person. (Thank you! Love you! 🥰🫀💓 WHO faints after being kissed? Wouldn’t that be more offensive than the crying thing? Make up your mind, Cherie!!!!) GOOD! That’s the only part where I maaaay agree with you on the whole garbage person thing? But only beliefly because who even lies about something like that just to hurt someone? Other than US but that’s not me and Romeo’s thing! They better be. I don’t know how not to compare myself to her! She’s my big sister, that’s like the whole point? Especially since i’m BETTER than her. HOW IS THAT HOT!!!??? How is MODDLE SCHOOLER not offensive?? But yeah it’s NOT! My brand is literally SO CURATED to be the cutest softest adjectives ever!! I’m starting to feel like he CAN’T see either of us right? And Idk what I’m supposed to do? I can’t say anything right to him EVER while all Rissa has to do is EXIST and say the most boring lame things a person could ever even think to say and somehow be the most perfect girl in the world to him. I’ll think of a better word! I’m a writer it’s LITERALLY MY THING!

Lemon: God that’s so gross. You didn’t take her up on it and this is the completely traumatizing way I find out that my two closest friends in the world have been hooking up behind my back, right?

Fraser: You HAD to? WHY? Because you insist on being difficult for the fuck of it?

Fraser: Agree to disagree. (As you should 🙄 yeah, yeah, same here. I meant fainting like swooning, obviously.) Well, then you're not COMPLETELY hopeless, thank fuck, but only barely. I can tell you what kind of person lies about that just to hurt someone, but it rhymes with Farbage Querson so you might not like the answer. So she's your big sister, so what? Just because your mom spat her out of the womb first doesn't mean you're damned to a life of compare and contrast. You don't have to be better than her (even though you are), you just have to be yourself which is better than most people anyway regardless of whether they're related to you or not. IT'S HOT WHEN SOMEONE ENJOYS SEX WITH YOU SO MUCH THAT THEY LITERALLY CAN'T STAY QUIET! It's not offense because I mean it's sweet, like someone experimenting with puppy love for the first time. Yeah, your aesthetic is so agressively soft for such an agressively agressive girl. Hmm, interesting. It's almost like... you're not "supposed" to do anything where he's concerned... because if someone perceives you two like that.... then they're the biggest idiot in the world and not worth your attention in the first place.

Dizzy: OMG YES! Thank you for calling out the academia style because that is SO IN this year! Dark academia, light academia, it's all in so you literally can't go wrong with that. Also, pull out all your micro textures and cable knit sweaters. That's where my fashion radar is pointing me this year.

Lemon: I DIDNT WAANT TO MAKE YOU CRY EXACTLY! I just hoped you were missing me and when *I* miss people I cry! THAT’S A REASON!

Lemon: He’s not a garbage person. But I didn’t really think it was either. (Can you not also call me disappointing, please? I know US but that one and the way you said it, hurt a lot.) I KNOW right, what parties is HE going to were better than mine. My texts are great!!!! I know right! Rissa doesn’t even have a publicist that’s how much better I am than her at image! It’s HOT??????? They’re so different and my thing wasn’t even that trashy!!! Do we not all know that my mama would absolutely tan my hide if it WAS??? A future Miss Auradon and a La Bouff cannot be TRASHY! He does! Rissa sucks and I just don’t understand how he won’t see it! I know he would’ve and that’s just so confusing. He’s not being THAT to me, Idk what he’s being but it’s not that!

Lemon: I didn’t THINK SO! But I didn’t think Magnolia would either and she so has!

Fraser: THAT STILL SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME CRY, YOU JERK. I did miss you so congratulations, you win! Happy? Because I wasn't!

Fraser: What exactly would YOU call somebody who says that type of shit? I think 'garbage person' suits it just fine and maybe it's even a little lenient. (Yeah, sure, consider that word dropped from the US vocabulary. Besides, it's not like it was even true. I've only been disappointed where you're concerned maybe once and that was just because I was literally expecting you to faint after we kissed lol but that's on me.) I know all the parties and none could hold a candle to yours. Your texts are fun! And you shouldn't compare yourself to her either but as long as we're doing that, yeah, you dunk on her in that department. IT'S A LITTLE HOT, GIVE ME A BREAK. Your thing was SUPER not trashy, it was like shit a middle schooler might do, no offense. Trashy is so far from your brand that we can't even see it from where we stand! It sounds like he just doesn't see right when it comes to her, but especially not when it comes to you if he can look at you and say any of that shit that came out of his mouth. Uh huh, sure. Until you think of a better word for what he's being, that's what I'll keep using, sorry not sorry.