franny

I know people do because they tell me.

But I just can't accept it. I can't feel it. I can't believe it 'cause I can't let others get so close.

So it's all up to me. If I don't let them, I might never be able to feel that they care. I might never enjoy a hug. Or the days I spend with the people I love the most, because I won't be able to tell if they even love me back.

I'm so sick of being this way.

i honestly can’t even stand myself anymore. i feel like the failure of this community, but it’s no wonder.

i don’t even know what i'm doing here anymore. all i do is document my failures over and over again, and you’ll all be tired of hearing the same song, from the same broken record.

i’m just so fucking sick of everything. of waking up alive, of starting another day that i didn’t even expect to experience alive, of being hungry, of not even having the energy to move from here to the fucking bathroom, of trying to wipe myself off the map and failing, no matter how many pills i put in my body to make that happen.

i’m fucking fed up. and no, i don’t expect anyone to tell me to recover, because that hasn’t helped me in any way, on the contrary, it has ruined my life, and that’s why i’m like this, in this situation right now. the worst thing is that i don’t know how to stop. what am i supposed to do? i cannot bear to see my defeat day after day. i cannot bear to keep contemplating my death every second i take a breath. i cannot bear to keep seeing the same number or a bigger number on the scale. i cannot bear to wander through this life as if i were a fucking zombie. i cannot bear to keep seeing how i have ruined my life, how my father has stopped talking to me, how i have used old coping mechanisms again, how i have screwed up once again, how i have went to the same place that destroyed me. it’s all my fault.

i don’t want to live anymore. i want to make a doctor appointment just to talk to my doctor about euthanasia. i no longer have the courage or the strength to continue living this torment of which i have been guilty, of this hell i’ve gotten myself into.

Get so close to hitting send

And then remind yourself that they don't actually care

They just want to make sure you don't kill yourself

Because then they'd feel guilty

A friend asked me how I was doing. What am I to say?

Me: Well, as I thought I was at my lowest, it got worse. I enjoy absolutely nothing, and the only things I want to do is sleep, drink, cut and plan my suicide. The future I’ve fought for is ruined, the psychiatric department is fucking me in the arse, and the therapists in the private sector considers me too sick for them to help. I need to talk about this with my closest, trusted friends, but we don’t really speak. Doesn’t matter though, I’m not staying for long.