Fragmented Faerie

That summer I devoted myself to transforming our overgrown back yard into a nice little garden. With some help from my friends and Aleks, we cleared away all the weeds and uncovered some beautiful rose bushed planted by Aleks' grandma, and I bought new plants and made it into a colourful little haven! It's been so nice to have a pretty place to rest outside whenever the weather and my health allows!

A cloudy day in July, looking up at my house on the hilltop

So with that on paper, things have been going a lot more smoothly with healthcare professionals and the Norwegian welfare administration, which was a good thing as I was, sadly, nowhere near getting out of my autistic burnout with a sprinkle of long COVID. I had made a very thorough attempt at preparing to go back to work earlier that spring, but ended up in a terrible state for all my efforts. I was preparing myself for the probability that I wouldn't be able to return to work in the autumn.

Some flowers from my garden this summer

In other news, my health situation was not getting any better. I was already struggling with low energy and cognitive problems after crashing and burning the past summer, but when I got COVID for the first time that December, I got so much worse. I was only able to work 10% after the holidays, and then in early February I finally admit defeat and went on full-time sick leave from work. I was clinging to hope that I good long rest until the autumn semester came around again would see me well again to resume my PhD and other work duties. It was a dreary time, but I refused to give in to despair. I wasn't able to do much, as most of my days I was flat out on the sofa, but I clung to my hobbies, doing a little here and there, and managed keep a positive outlook on things!

Summer flowers and berries from my neighborhood in Kristiansand, Norway

Meanwhile, I was still on my journey of personal healing and growth, as I was now actively pursuing an autism diagnosis (which proved very difficult), and was figuring out who I even was beneath all the masking. I was also trying to unlearn a lifetime of thinking that my value as a person = productive output and what I could offer others. For the first time in my life, I was allowing my autistic traits to come to the surface, and it was incredibly freeing.

Some more roses from my local botanical garden

While the idea of not being neurotypical had initially scared me, as I had a very outdated and stereotypical view of autistic people, all my research and learning from autistic people on YouTube was such a deep learning experience for me and I felt validated seeing other people who had the same experiences and struggles as me. So when I finally learned that being autistic was not the same as there being anything inherently wrong with me, I felt an immense relief. All of the things I had been beating myself up for all my life, were not my "fault". I was not lazy, and the "panic attacks" were actually meltdowns. Seeing myself in a completely new light, I finally saw that I had been pushing myself much too hard all of my life to try to be as "good as" and as productive as everyone else, when all the while I had inborn limitations (as well as great strengths) that nobody had ever considered, least of all myself. I was not lazy, I was not stupid, and I was not wrong. I was just different. And that was okay. I finally allowed myself to accommodate for my needs, and my mental health improved dramatically. So, in the end, my memories of this summer are of personal growth and healing.