Charlie & Me

Love may be real But I know its not for me 'Cause everytime I fall for him I seem to dive too deep He may have glacial eyes Or big hands for a warming touch An enchanting personality Or a smile that makes me blush But no matter what it is about him I tend to rush these things 'Cause I can't stand not knowing The song his heart sings And when he tells me its too much Or that he doesn't see me that way I hit the floor head first And lose my balance always So I have learned After repeated injuries To keep my heart in my chest Not on my sleeve Now I know that  Love is real 'Cause it most definately Hurts like hell

Started Weight Watchers January 1, been steadily losing weight for the past five months.

So I visit the psych right? Had to be admitted as new patient since I hadn't been there in 6 months (I will go ahead and tell you I was really, really bad about taking my medicine at the same time every day) so I had to fill out a bunch of paper work, which I attempted to blaze through. Still ended up being the last one there. Finally get into the back and I am sitting in there like I fucking hate this room. It was horrible, ugly sand brown and had one picture of some flowers and four waiting room chairs and one nice comfy chair facing them. I picked my fingernails and sat uncomfortably until the psych came in, and sat in his comfy chair. Seemed miles away at the time, my anxiety was crushing.  I told him I felt better so I stopped taking the meds.  He put me back on the same ones Pristiq and added Klonopin. So we will see how this goes.

I am on day 3 of Pristiq. I was chatty and zoned out the first day. The second day I was just zoned out. Both of the first two days I ended up waking up in the middle of the night at like 4am and had trouble getting back to sleep after going to sleep around 11pm. Today I feel more like I used to, but I am not sad like I used to be. I took my first Klonopin last night. I was zonked out pretty quickly after that one.  My cat woke me up in the middle of the night to throw up on my floor after I threw him off the bed. I grabbed him and stumbled to get him out and behind a closed door. The Klonopin seemed pretty strong but not overpowering like I expected it to be.

I am going to go ahead and say that so far I have seen an improvement. I am in a generally mediocre mood rather than a generally sad mood. I want to go do stuff rather than sitting in my room. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of working at a high school is getting sick really quickly, especially if you are a first year teacher. So I am stuck with an extremely sore throat and general tiredness. Regardless, I will try to make something of today.

I have been taking a cocktail of supplements for about a week including 

calcium

fish oil

glucosamine sulfate

multivitamin

which so far seem to be doing WONDERS for my arthritic knees! May just be a placebo effect, but I feel much better and think I can really start training to run even harder.

I go see my counselor in a week, I have to make some goals to accomplish while I am in there... a bit of a challenge.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that my Pristiq gave some pretty weird and vivid dreams.

signing off for now,

The Flaming Lip's official music video for "Do You Realize??" from the album Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. The Flaming Lips' new album, The Terror is out ...

realizing that you don't care

realizing I will never get what I want

realizing I wasted so much time

realizing I have to make new goals

reluctant to give up on what I had worked so hard to attain

realizing that you don't care either

realizing I put in way too much effort

realizing that a lot of people are frauds

realizing that you're selfish

realizing I will just keep letting it happen

reluctant to make a change

Started playing Pokemon LeafGreen again. Blastoise is awesome.