A Fox of Inari

@livingwithkami has a book list, resources and FAQ on her page. I highly recommend checking her blog too, she has helped me a lot!!! here: http://www.livingwithkami.com/reading.

Personally, reading online from other people’s experiences, fb groups, websites, and the Encyclopedia of Shinto, when there was something very specific that I couldn’t understand, has helped me slowly get what shinto was and how to live by it. It took time, yes, but it was worth it. I’m not an expert, obviously, and there are some concepts that I still have to think a lot about, but this is the method that I’ve found works best for me haha.

The two books that I recommend are: first, the Kojiki, is a chronicle of myths and stories since the very start of everything, it explains a lot who is who in shinto, and is fairly easy to find and buy. It is a must, and definitely the best book you could buy if you’re interested in shinto. You should check the translation tho, there’s a recommended english translation on the reading list above. And also Shinto Norito, by Ann Llewellyn Evans, is a book that holds prayers (norito) and It’s going to be incredibly useful if you decide to set up a kamidana (it doesn’t need to be fancy at all, don’t worry.). All other books this far seemed kinda… weird for me. Like… they’re written from a western point of view, so when they try to explain shinto there are some things that feel strange haha. I guess the best way to learn shinto is just by experiencing it yourself, following those that came before us, and slowly you’ll start to understand it. It’s actually a really nice and even fun experience. pssst, my shinto blog is actually @shintowitchling I’m not supposed to be rambling about this here lol

Some time ago I visited a spiritual market that was being held here in Sydney. There were crystal shops, herbalists, healers, tarot readers, witches, everything. I love these kinds of markets. But I had an awful experience there. I had purchased some essential oils, crystals, etc, and I had some remaining money. There were a lot of spiritual healers there that day, and so I decided it would be nice to spend the remaining money on a healing. I am a healer myself, but it’s always nice to have someone do the work for you while you focus on the experience. So I thought I’d give it a go that day. I mean, we are all a work in progress right? Even healers have things they need to go through. I was feeling quite emotional that day, but not necessarily in a bad way. I was just feeling my emotions very intensely, so I was in a mood that I would describe as “soft”. This means, I was feeling loving towards others, and I wanted to show people loving energy. But, when I feel this way, I’m not really fiesty. My demeanor and energy become “loving” rather than protective. So I was quite “soft” hearted in my words and behavior that day. I guess it was the energy of the markets making me feel happy. So I saw a Reiki healing stand, and I decided to walk over. As soon as I approached I was spoken to by the owner of the company who were doing healings at their stand. What followed was an awfully abusive exchange that I never expected from a healer. Him: “Hey have you heard of Reiki before?” Me: “Yes, I am a Reiki Master myself.” Him: “There is no such thing as a Reiki “Master”. Our school is about Reiki “Teachers”, and we work with all seven levels of Reiki energy. So you must be a fraud. Who did you train from? Did you train online? Did you go to a class?” Me: *Shocked* “Huh? What? I studied from-” Him: “Ohhhh dear. You see, we’re actual healers here. Don’t go around pretending to be one of us. So, would you like to have some Reiki?” *Motions for me to sit down on a chair* Me: Um…No I’m fine. And then as I walked away I heard him and his colleagues laughing. “Pfft, another Reiki “Master”. *All of them laugh together* I ended up bursting into tears. Had it been any other day and my energy was less floaty and loving I would have told him off.  But I wasn’t in that mental state. I was feeling joyful and open to others, and he took that all away from me in less than a minute.

This is not the first time my passion and joy has been robbed from me. Past abuse has stolen years from my life, years when I could have been productive and flourishing as a person. Years spent sleeping, hiding at home, crying, cutting myself, drinking myself sick. Years spent staring at computer and television screens, numbing myself with drug abuse, blocking out people who loved me. While other kids at school were achieving well and working towards establishing themselves after graduating, I was on my bedroom floor every night, crying my eyes out because I was brain washed by someone’s abusive behavior into believing that I was worthless. So when this man told me I was not a real Reiki master, the study I had done and the effort I put into learning Reiki healing practices and all the passion I had felt over the years towards helping others through their pain became something that made me feel ashamed. I fell back into that pattern of me trying to do something sincerely, and then having the negativity of others make me feel stupid and worthless for doing that.

This is something that seems to go along with abuse. The victim is made to feel stupid, awful and worthless for doing something- even the most simple of things. Like not washing something the way the abusive person wants them to, or having certain interests, or doing something too loudly, etc. And that person is “trained” by the abuser to feel shame for doing things the abuser does not approve of. This shameful feeling has stolen so much from me, things that gave me joy in life. Its stolen my creative expression, its stolen singing from me, its stolen my motivation to go anywhere with my life, its stolen basically everything that gave me happiness and a sense of value as a person. When I was a child, I would sing, dance, paint, and run around exploring and playing games. But I was also a child who was abused verbally and physically, and as an adult I was physically abused and raped multiple times.  And I couldn’t do anything any more. I stopped singing, I lost my ability to draw and paint, I couldn’t achieve at school because I had no motivation to succeed, I sometimes couldn’t even eat or talk for days at a time. So when this awful man brought up those same feelings of shame, I lost my love of healing others. Healing had become a foundation for me. I had healed so much of my abuse (not all, but I’m a work in progress as well), and I had felt deeply that it was my life purpose to help bring others into the love and light of the healing energies. But now, someone was trying to rob me of this too.

So what can we do when someone tries to steal our love of life? What have I learned all these years? What was the purpose of all that I had gone through? What was the purpose of all my crying, sleeping, numbing, self harming, if not to learn something? Luckily, my father (not the abusive parent, he is a really loving person) taught me to think for myself. And learning this ability has pulled me through so much, because it’s allowed me to step back and question what is happening. So I stepped back, and I allowed myself to question this energy. Should I give in now? Should I go back to all that suffering? Should I allow myself to open to this negativity and have it steal what has made me happy for the first time in years? Why? Why should I? I’m so tired of just giving in and letting myself be thrashed about and destroyed by negative energy and pain. I’m so tired of it. And then I realised, I don’t need to. I know that for some people this might be very obvious. But after years of having your spirit stomped all over, it’s a healing revelation to realise that I have complete control over what I allow to phase me. At that point I realised I need to fight for what makes me happy, and so I began my fight. I opened up my Reiki notes, and I reread them. I bought myself a wacom tablet and began drawing digital art. I began singing my lungs out in the shower to all my favorite music. I started cooking healthy vegetarian food for myself. I began talking to myself kindly and politely, gently even. I started sleeping and waking up at regular hours. Basically, I began being a force of love for myself, when other people had just been a force of evil and pain. And this is how I fought back against that horrid person who tried to steal my joy. Now? I’m writing a course on Reiki and working towards a business as a healer.