i don't even feel guilt anymore. i just live out my earthly pleasures and forget about them as soon as it's over. for me it feels good, being my own person. doing what i want to do whenever i want. no one will ever understand. i love him with all my heart, but i can't be this young and commit to one soul... i want to marry him someday, but not now. i'm not even twenty yet! how can i be signing my life away. that is the reason to why i feel no guilt when i take part in other intimacies. i can't control this need; to be loved, held and to feel like i'm sexy. i guess it's not about being sexy, i love the attention. feeling wanted. i crave that feeling. from my boyfriend, other boys, it doesn't matter. in the end i will be my own person and i will do what i want to do. i know he deserves better than that but i don't want to let him go. i'm so selfish. but i can't ruin his life like that. i know that if i left, he wouldn't be able to piece himself together. why can't i just be free of this pain and confusion? i want him to be happy, but i can't forget about myself! what do i do? do i stay with him or do i go my own way? this universe has so much in store for me, and i can't tell whether or not i should stay in a committed relationship right now. is this what the universe has in store for me? i can't figure anything out anymore, so i just block out the pain and forget. i find some reason to forgive myself and keep living this happy life. i feel like someday the truth will come out, hearts will be broken and i will be miserable. and alone. and without him. which i cant even imagine. help me focus on the love i need instead of the love i want.
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