🖤

The love I have for Bangtan.

People say that you will find them at the time you needed them the most. And I agree - I definitely agree. I can still remember the time I became interested in them. It was one random day when one BTS clip showed up on my tktok FYP. And then the next one came, the next one came, and without realizing it, I am already searching for their names.

I used to judge those international K-pop fans before (the ones who can't actually speak Korean) because I was wondering, how can they be fans of someone they can't even speak the same language with? And when I became an ARMY, that's where I found out the answers to my questions.

I searched for their names, I tried so hard to remember their faces and names, I used to get confused with JHope and Yoongi. I can still remember that RM was actually the reason why became interested in Bangtan. There were a lot of clips where the videos highlighted how Namjoon looks at his members on stage while they were having fun. And that is still one of the main reasons why I love them.

Their music isn't just about how it sounds or how you'll vibe with it. Some of their songs have an upbeat melody but with a sad meaning. Some political, some talks about their struggles, some talks about their wins, some talks about their love to their fans and their messages to ARMYs. I can't still understand Korean, but I learned how to understand BTS' songs. I take time to search for its meanings and english translation.

and with RM's live yesterday talking about how most of the people doesn't care about the lyrics they worked hard for..

Uhm, sorry to disagree but there are still lots of fans who take time to understand your songs, your music.

I remember when the Arirang album was first released, I wanted to understand some of the lyrics' metaphors. I actually searched for every meaning of the songs. I listened to it on spotify/apple music while reading the english translations of the lyrics.

I was curious about why the promotional message was actually "WHAT IS YOUR LOVE SONG?" because when you just listen simply with the songs, you know you'll not gonna hear the typical love songs. So I took time to study the meaning of the songs. And some of the songs that really got my attention were:

Into the Sun became my new comfort song and I think that was the love song I dedicate to Bangtan.

Merry Go Round felt like the song of my life which I could totally relate to. It talks about how your life is just on the loop. It's like you wanted to get out of whatever you're dealing with but you just keep on going back. It felt sadness, depression, anxiety, and struggles.

Normal, uhm, the love and hate feelings that I had for normal because if you'd actually listen to it, it is actually a sad song talking about how they struggle on having a supposed-to-be normal life.

2.0, my fave because it is them saying that they're back - I mean, THEY'RE DEFINITELY BACK.

Swim felt like the answer to Merry Go Round, like whatever you're going through right now, just keep on swimming, just keep on moving forward.

and when I thought I couldn't love Bangtan more? RM decided to tell us that Please is their song for ARMYs.

When the world divides us Baby, oh, please I'll take another step closer I'm on my knees Stay with me on my worst day Hold you even tighter right now, even hell, I'm down All I want is you

hi tumblr.

i'm back. so meaning lang non, di na naman natin kaya ung bagay bagay.

Dear self,

I'm sorry kasi kung ano ano nanaman naiisip mo. sorry kasi ung 3 tao na importante sa buhay mo, hindi ka kayang piliin sa paraan na gusto mo.

1. Y, out of all the people, akala ko siya na ung huling tao na mawawala saken, i gave all my effort, we tried saving our friendship numerous times, pero things ended again and again, and now, wala na ko energy to save us. She didn't even try.

2. J, dati kapag tinatanong ko siya, he'll always save our friendship. pero ngayon iba na sagot niya, though masaya and proud ako para sakanya, kasi ung sagot na sinagot niya saken, un ung sagot na gusto ko sanang marinig sa jowa ko pero di ko narinig.

3. Jovs, i asked him for several times kung anong mas pipiliin niyang i-save. Never received the answer that I wanted. Isasagot nalang niya kapag ipit na ipit na siya pero paglalaban and kakatwiranan pa din niya. Imagine having someone na kaya kang ipaglaban sa ibang tao, parang gusto ko nalang maging kaibigan niya, kung ganto niya ko ipa-lalaban sa jowa niya. Imagine choosing to save the friendship kahit nag kakanda leche leche na ung relasyon niyo ng partner mo. Imagine defending your friend against your girlfriend's feelings. Imagine hearing your boyfriend say na sila lang ung meron siya while you offer your whole self para lang hindi niya mararamdaman na nag-iisa siya.

Sorry self you needed to defend your thoughts and feelings all by yourself. Wag kang mag-alala, hindi ka man piliin ng iba, simula ngayong araw, pipiliin na kita. Sorry you've felt invalidated pero wala kang magawa.

Lord,

hindi ko na po idadasal na matanggap ko ung bagay na to, kasi pag tinanggap ko, tinanggap ko lang ung sakit na nararamdaman ko. What if ikaw nalang po pumili saken? Hehehe. pero seriously, ang dasal and wish ko lang po is sana isang araw gumising nalang ako ng wala na kong pakialam sa kanila. Wala na kong pakialam sa friendship nila. Sana bukas makalawa magising nalang ako ng wala na kong nararamdaman. Wala na kong nararamdaman kapag nakikita ko ung pangalan niya, pag nakikita kong mag kausap sila. Napapagod na po akong umintindi, and napapagod na kong ipaintindi ung pinanggagalingan at nararamdaman ko. Napapagod na po akong labanan ung utak ko. Kung mas pipiliin niyang ipag laban ung friendship nila over my peace of mind and mental health, I don't care. Then so be it. Tulungan niyo nalang po ako mawalan ng pakialam tsaka nararamdaman. Ung tipong kahit makita kong mag kasama sila or mag kausap sila or mag kachat sila, wala na kong mararamdaman inis, wala na kong mararamdaman na galit, bwisit. Para po sa ikatatahimik ng utak ko, para sa ikatatahimik niya, para sa ikatatahimik ng relasyon namin, tulungan Mo nalang po ako. Ayoko na po. Pagod na po akong ipaglaban ung sarili ko. Kung gusto talaga niya ung friendship nila, then okay. Hahayaan ko na po, basta tulungan niyo lang po ako mawalan ng pakialam at nararamdaman sa friendship nila. Drain na drain na po ako. Kahit anong pilit kong intindi, di ko talaga kayang tanggapin. Dagdagan pa ung fact na kahit pinag aawayan na namin, talagang kakatwiranan pa po ni Jovin ung tao na yun. Kung un po ung nakikita niyang kakampi niya, edi sige wala na kong magagawa. Ayoko na pong umintindi. Ayoko na po makipag away. Tulungan niyo nalang po ako mawalan ng pakialam. Down na down nadin naman ako, gusto ko nang piliin ung sarili ko kesa tuluyan akong mabaliw. Di para ikumpara ko ung sarili ko sa ibang tao. Di para ipag pilitan ko ung sarili ko sa ibang tao. Kung di nila ko kayang piliin ng walang pag-aalinlangan, ng walang pangangatiwaran, ng walang kondisyon, ako po pipili sa sarili ko. Or baka po gusto niyo nalang din po akong piliin, okay na naman saken.

PAGOD NA PO AKO.

Ayoko na pong labanan lahat ng ingay sa utak ko.

October 11, 2023

Andito nanaman ako sa tumbr. Hindi ko na kasi kaya ung pag-iyak ko be. Kagabi pa to. Sobrang babaw ng luha ko habang nanunuod ng Hidden Love. Kahit simpleng scene iniiyakan ko, kanina ung ending, happy ending naman pero iniyakan ko pa din. Habang nag po-propose sa kanya ung lalaki umiiyak pa din ako. HAHAHAH mag iisang oras ko nang tapos ung movie pero ung iyak ko hindi pa din tumitigil sa pag tulo.

Wala ko makausap be mababaliw ata ako. Si Yanni, ayoko naman istorbohin para lang mag breakdown kasi di din naman sya okay. Hahahaha baka sabay pa kami mag breakdown. Si Jovin tulog, ayoko naman tawagan para gisingin tapos hahagulgol lang ako sakanya. Ano naman magagawa niya, bibigyan ko pa ng problema hahahahaha. Di ko alam bat bigla akong nag breakdown, sa away ba namin, sa movie or sa gutom. Pero baka kasi dala-dala pa din ng sarili ko ung sinabi nya kagabi. Pakiramdam daw niya pinag babawalan ko siya palaging umalis. E ako pa nga nag tutulak sa kanya na mamasyal sya ang mag enjoy siya dun. Tapos lalabas sya kahit di pa ko nag ko-confirm. Hahahaha. Baka kaya ako naiyak dun sa proposal part ng movie...

Feeling ko bigla akong natakot ulit sa kasal -- kahit sa proposal. Nung mga nakaraan na-eexcite ako sa idea ng proposal, feeling na engaged na kayo ganun. Pero di pa naman ako umaabot sa punto ng kasal. Feeling ko di na mawawala ung takot ko sa kasal. Ngayon maski sa idea ng engagement feeling ko di na din ako ready. Hindi ko kasi alam bakit sobrang pansinin ko, kaya ung mga maliliit na bagay pansin na pansin ko. Ung mga bagay na hindi naman niya nagagawa dati, ngayon nagagawa na niya tapos ihihingi nalang niya ng sorry pag-katapos. Di ko alam kung nag ooverthink ba ako or hindi lang din niya napapansin na minsan nag babago siya. Hindi ko alam kung OA na ba ko, or kinakain lang ako ng anxiety ko.

Ang hirap ng mahina utak, di ko kayang labanan sarili ko. Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko mag karon ng anxiety and depression eh. HAHAHAHAHA

Hirap din nang wala nang malapit na kaibigan, walang matakbuhan. Eh wala naman talaga kong kaibigan, si Yanni nalang malayo pa. Si Pey sana kaso nasa langit na. Ano kaya feeling kung nandito pa din si Pey no? Feeling ko di ako mag bebreakdown ng ganito kasi for sure nasa labas na kami. Depress lang ako pero di ko mararamdaman ung depression ko kasi mag-kakasama kami. Naalala ko nanaman tuloy isa sa mga huling chat niya na sana daw mag open naman ako sa kanila, Umiyak di naman daw ako minsan hahahahaha beb sorry, ngayon hindi na minsan ung iyak ko. siguro pagod na pagod ka na makita akong malungkot. Sana dalawin mo ulit ako sa panaginip ko. Miss na miss na kita. Akala ko hindi na bibigat pag naalala kita pero ngayon humahagulgol ako pag naiisip ko na ano kayang buhay natin kung kasama ka pa din namin ngayon =(

‼️ WARNING : LONG AND CRINGING POST AHEAD ‼️

skip if u're not interested, and if u're not a fangirl/boy 🙃

I'm not OA, i just really want to let it all out, one last timeeeee~

Dear Justin Bieber,

Gusto ko lang malaman mo na habambuhay na tong sama ng loob ko sayo. HAHAHAHA. First time you cancelled your concert, you gave us an "UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES" reason. Second time, health priority. Ohh okaaay.

Ung effort namin na pumila, mag-puyat, mag-ipon, pumasok sa work/school after lining up overnight just to secure your tickets, jusko, tapos kung kelan malapit na concert tsaka ka nanaman mag ka-cancel. Hmmm, disappointed but not surprised ;3 Sana di ka nalang nag-announce bhie.🥲

I'M JUST THANKFUL THAT I AM ALREADY INTO ✨ BTS ✨ WHEN YOU ANNOUNCED AND CANCELLED YOUR CONCERT. CAN'T IMAGINE HOW DEPRESSING IT WILL BE FOR ME AGAIN IF YOU'VE CANCELLED IT WITHOUT BANGTAN EXISTING IN MY LIFE. LIKE GUUURL??? ISANG LINGGO KONG INIYAKAN UNG PURPOSE TOUR CANCELLATION MO SANA OKAY KA LANG.☺️

Now, the only feeling i'm left with for you is regret. 13 years full of regrets. The only reason I'm thankful of you is because of the friends I've met because of you *inserted photos here* *also insert kakamp---🌸 na di ko pa nami-meet lahat so no pics hehe*

The amount of stress, anxiety, and depression these cost me... Pagod na kooo. Di na 'ko aasa bhie. Yes I'm breaking up with you. Thank you for the 13 years.☹️🥺

Napakahirap mong mahalin.😔

To my 13 year old self,

I'm sorry but it's just not really meant to beeee.😭

Nag-bibitter,

Cathy.💔

belieber since 2009